General Relationship With A Man With Ptsd And Depression

[SeekingSerenity]

You'll figure it out. You will do whats right for you.

Have faith in yourself. :tup:

 

[Phil1983]

Last nights break through has led to some really good things and today I have woke up feeling the best I have since the split up nearly 2 weeks ago!!

Last night she asked me to call her out of the blue, didn't know why she wanted me to call but I thought it was the least I could do after what I have put her through. It turns out she was reading all the information I had sent her and she had spoke to my parents but stil couldn't understand things about me. We spoke on the phone for around an hour and a half and she told me that my parents had said to her that the only way she will understand is by talking to me so she started asking questions to remind herself of what caused my PTSD, what the therapy sessions actually involved in the past and if it has stil made impacts on me in dealing with things.

Further to that she asked what the problem was that triggered my outbreaks with her so I have told her that so far with the help of the forum I have read so much about other peoples similar problems and been able to say "i do that" etc and it has opened my eyes to how my brain has decided that love and trust is a dangerous area for me and although I had never been so certain of feelings and future plans, I dug myself a hole...I was arguing with my brain telling me I'm in a dangerous area where I don't belong and to get out of it quick but also dug the hole even deeper as the way I wanted to go about the proposal was planned as a complete shock to her so I couldn't ask her for information on how I could ask her families permission. This all led to me letting my brain win, I ran from the problem, caused hurt etc until I got to my safe distance and could think for myself and realise me, as a person, lost the arguement with my brains new natural thinking pattern around love and trust.

She has said that the feelings are there for me stil and that it is a really hard thing for her to understand and said she will do what she can to help me understand myself but in return she has asked that I do get the help that I know I need (which I am working on the past week) as she doesn't like seeing me the way I am and realises I am in a struggle with myself. She has also asked if I can talk to her about every session I attend, if she can ask questions and turn to my family if needed and also if my therapist agrees, once the help starts could she be involved in some way. I've agreed to all these conditions as I want her to understand things and also so in the future I know someone will always be there for me and my main reason for wanting her involved in the sessions is because to work on my trust on love issues I still need the person I trust and love with me, I've told her that we may not be together now but the feelings are there and they need to be controlled and if she wasn't around I would be asking myself why am I trying to do this and control them when I dont have to love or trust someone. Wheather or not it fixes things between us, I can not say but I am glad I have her support and it will either leave us with a very strong friendship or let us put the pieces back together between us and work together in the future but to me, all is not a complete loss.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that is wonderful news Phil,

 

[Phil1983]

Even better news is that my Therapist has called me back in the last 10 minutes, she has confirmed that I have found my own thinking pattern by using this forum and instead of needing high intensity therapy again, I am being taking back in for low intensity so I can just get theings cleared up completly and get advice on how I can keep myself away from the issues :) my only problem now is proving it to my ex partner as the sessions are not so regular and not as impotant as the past sessions but I will be working at it to keep a supporter atleast

 

[ProudWife99]

I've told her that we may not be together now but the feelings are there and they need to be controlled and if she wasn't around I would be asking myself why am I trying to do this and control them when I dont have to love or trust someone.

Phil - I'm so glad things are starting to go better for you. However, beware of what you said above. I know as a supporter when my A puts things in terms of "If it weren't for you I wouldn't be doing this" I feel an array of emotions that can be very difficult and unhealthy for me as well. Our marriage has worked this long because we both agree that HE is getting help for HIM, with our without me. I am getting help for me, with our without him. We depend on one another in so much that is necessary and healthy for a relationship, but his recovery does not hinge on me and in my opinion, that is the way it should be.

I so hope things continue to work out for you and am so glad to know you're taking all the right steps and she is responding. Just coming from an entirely different perspective, it is overwhelming to be someones entire reason for reaching a sound mind and body. Sometimes we want to SHARE in the lives with someone else, not be the reason for it.

Hugs!

 

[GB1]

seeking serenity

trying to do whats right for me but the heart says one thing the head says another.....in a lot of pain today, my head is all over the place, got a really stinking infection and I can't formulate sentences in my head let alone get them out here.

I've tried to read what you said Phil and the little that I have been able to take in seems positive to me, well done. I'm sorry not very chatty today no reflection on any of you i am just not too well at the moment. Hopeful in a few days I will be back to some sort of normailty and will be able to engage in conversation with you properly?? Will u be able to hold on a little longer for me to be able to really digest what you have said and respond? I'm sorry again

On a brighter note, my ex has had a wonderful break through yesterday and today, he has been really attentive to me and poured his heart out to me, telling me how he feels and how he originally just said re me and him that I should just not hold out for anything with him. He then said he thought about it for a while and thought he was just being lazy and that what me and him is worth fighting for because I make him feel so special and that it is just his stupid head (his words) that has brought whats happened go on. That touched my heart and I felt light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not 100% at the moment obviously cuz I'm ill but I feel also I worry about what others may think. I told a lot of my friends about what happened when it did because I was trying to make sense of what had happened. I'm scared and worried now they will think I am weak and sad and pathetic for indulging him in any sort of conversation and that he is using his PTSD as an excuse to treat me shabbily. I don't want them to tell me I told you so if this goes tits up or I get hurt again or to think I am foolish for considering giving him another chance. I've given people in my life lots of chances because that's the person I am, perhaps it makes me a pushover but I don't think all people have to be given up on straight away.

Just getting a few words out in my head right now, no particular order....

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Take your time GB1, its the one thing you will have lots of.

Heal your body, and then your mind will be easier to deal with.

Ask away, I have a feeling that what you are going through is not that different to me, or a hundred other supporters on this forum... You are NOT alone here.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[GB1]

I thank you seeking serenity, I do have lots of time. But at what cost? Will I turn around one day and say to myself no that's enough and then look back at all the time I spent with him thinking what a waste?

I feel this is still a journey for me here and learning to understand things better by speaking to people who are going through the same as me. I can speak to friends and family but they can't truly know how I am feeling because thank god they have never been in this situation before......What is it you are going through then??

 

[SeekingSerenity]

My GF left me in August last year. She moved back to the US, from Africa where I live. In September she was diagnosed with CPTSD. I found out about it in November. In the meantime I had fought to get her back, I do love her that much, and we were engaged in September .

Because she was undiagnosed, I had no idea why we would argue so much, I thought I was just stubborn and difficult. I would accuse her of never listening to me, she would be in a dissociative state and she would actually not know that I had spoken to her. She was constantly pushing me away, always quick to start an argument. When she left I carried a lot of guilt, believeing that it was all my fault.

She is receiving fantastic therapy at the moment, but its actually making her worse right now, all the triggering is making her very difficult to talk to, if I mention virtually anything other than the weather I get lured into an argument. I'm learning to let stuff go, but every now and again I don't and then we have a screaming match (over the phone, on Skype, whatever) and she ends up very broken. Then I feel so terrible again. Its a terrible vicious circle. The only way to prevent it is to back off and let her have her space.

I know she does actually love me, and even though I am a person who really so badly needs love, and affection, she cannot show it to me. I just have to accept that she cant do anything about that right now, and that she also directs her anger at me to try and deviate from what the actual issue is..

Its bloody difficult GB1, some days I just feel like packinmg it all in and calling it quits, but since I have started pulling back more, giving her more space and breathing room, things are actually getting better. Strange but true.

So thats what I am going through... her not able to show me much love at all, and also pushing me away when I try to get close.

 

[ProudWife99]

I'm scared and worried now they will think I am weak and sad and pathetic for indulging him in any sort of conversation and that he is using his PTSD as an excuse to treat me shabbily. I don't want them to tell me I told you so if this goes tits up or I get hurt again or to think I am foolish for considering giving him another chance.

I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding harsh to others who don't necessarily understand PTSD as well as those who live with it on a daily basis do, but I would get used to this. You'll see a thread I posted on here a while ago asking supporters where they turn and the common theme seems to be we can't keep our close friends and family involved and informed because they turn to judgement due to lack of understanding. This forum helps me and I'm helping teach my family the things I'm dealing with, because it isn't their fault they don't understand.

Sometimes, though...it's best to shoulder it and let it out on an independent party. I know it sounds crazy, but my friends know less about me now than they ever have because they can't handle the struggles my marriage has seen. I wish I had more for you than that. I'm not sure where you're located, but I've heard of different (I think they're called care centers?) places in the UK that offer support. I'm working in the US to create something along those lines here.

SeekingSerenity - When you said the bit about knowing she loves you but knowing she is not capable of showing it to you I couldn't have said it more perfectly myself. What you're doing for her is brave and difficult and I believe to be an ultimiate testament to love and acceptance.

 

[Anna1954]

SeekingSerenity I feel for you and I know that you must be a very loving person to put up with so much. Only advice I can give is do as you said just walk away from an argument. I always say I pick my battles, because not everything should become a fight or argument. I am sure in her head it must be like a wind storm trying to catch at least one leaf and not being able to. I do believe people with ptsd need more space than most people they need that space to calm the stimulation they have gotten even if its for 10 minutes. I know that I will go out with some friends once in a big while and find myself within an hour or 2 ready to go back home. I get my space and I feel save and secure. I hate when guys try to pick me up matter of fact I walk away or become very sarcastic. I feel they are invading my space.

So I hope things work out and she continues with her therapy it will get worse before it gets better. Bringing all the bad things to the surface will cause some emotional explosion. Know it is not you but she needs something to direct it at and if it isnt someone else it will be you.

 

[GB1]

I feel like the utter definition of misery.
I spent two hours on the phone on thursday speaking to him, I cried and shouted at him, he shouted at me, we both got upset, we both agree we miss each other.

I told him I hadn't been feeling a connection with him in months, he got angry I had not told him sooner. He kept on saying I am a little bid that doesnt need to be dragged down and that he should just set me free, then "oh I want to get back to how I felt bout you and what we had".

He would switch from one feeling to another! I was so angry when I got off the phone to him, he was just so down and doesnt appear to help himself. He's just given up. I miss him so much but what DO I miss?! He wasn't fulfilling my eomtional needs for quite some time towards the end and was just sucking the life and love out of me and replacing it with darkness and misery.

So why do I feel so damn miserable myself?!?!

I just want to be happy again