General Relationship With A Man With Ptsd And Depression

[SeekingSerenity]

(((((hug))))))

I'm sorry GB1.

 

[Anna1954]

GB1 you feel so damn miserable like I do because we love very deeply and it hurts when we are rejected, whether from Ptsd or another reason.

In every relationship there should be a give or take but with ptsd it seems more of a take. We feel abandoned and alone even though we have someone there with us. But because they are in constant turmoil it seems it keeps us on guard.

I always say it's like when I was in the Army always looking over my shoulder waiting for the next explosion to happen. It sucks, but we also have to understand that the actions are coming from within their brain. Its like they are not a person anymore they are just a misfiring brain, talks and it manifests the worst it can deliver.

Good luck and pray

 

[GB1]

Thanks Anna I know I am a very deep person indeed. And I think to myself is he the right person for me because he cannot deliver my needs.

The weekend has been an extreme mixed bag of emotions, I'm starting to understand maybe PTSD combined with depression make for some very confused souls out there. Friday I was so angry I couldn't genuinely care if I ever heard from him again. Saturday As you can see I was very very upset spent a lot of it crying, then getting more upset because I couldn't understand WHy I was crying for as I had been unhappy for a while and he hadn't been delivering my emotional needs for quite some time. Then sunday has been me testing the waters saying I would like to see him, within 5 mins he has contacted me saying how much he would like that and is looking forward to it. (agreed for next weekend)

why have I put myself through this? I don't know what I expect to achieve out of this other than disappointment! It's like one minute he acts one way, another it is him behaving in the polar opposite. He himself even admits he doesnt know what he wants.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! how is it his love for me has just died? sure he started getting more depressed in the last month and I know that effects things, I myself been depressed before and if you can't feel anything but numbness nothing u can do to get urself out of it, just have to let it return naturally while being kind to yourself.

I don't know, lots of thoughts going out here. Like, spoken to many friends and family who are of the firm opinion he is a waster and a loser at life, he is not making the effort with anything and he has hurt me terribly so of course they instantly not happy with him.

I've spoken to God and he came to me and said "give him love and support" but at what cost to myself? Surely relationships are more joyous than this? I don't want to give up on people I care for, I support with every ounce of my being but at what cost to myself?

 

[Anna1954]

GB1 no one can answer what you need to do but you. I have no idea why they say they don't know what they want, because I am myself asking that same question in regards to a man I had a brief relationship.

He told me he wanted me to change my flight and go home I was to be there 8 days ended leaving after 4 days. He said he didn't know what he wanted. I didn't even argue I changed my ticket, since I knew it was frutal to say anything to him, it was his ptsd talking.

I am very frustrated because I came home Feb. 16 and I haven't heard a thing from him. So I do not know what is going in his head.

GB1 maybe someone that has experienced this, "I don't know what I want" can answer this. As for staying in a relationship that is going to cause you more sorrow than joy. I think you need to evaluate your relationship and you are the only person that can determine whether to stay or go.

You never mentioned whether he is getting help. If he is maybe you ask if you can go with him and support him. Maybe than both can get the help that is needed for a healthy relationship.

 

[ProudWife99]

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! how is it his love for me has just died?

Stop beating yourself up over your lack of understanding. We find peace and comfort sometimes in knowing we CANNOT place logic and reasoning on someone who is not using logic or reason. PTSD does not make sense, not even to other PTSD sufferers. The symptoms may be the same, but the place they come from vary with each individual.

Allow yourself the peace in knowing that, in the end, you just can't make sense of it. I know that leaves little room for "closure", but it sounds to me like he cannot feel the things you need/want him to feel. You deserve those things, but he is incapable at this point. Give yourself some rest and remind yourself often that you cannot make sense of his actions because his actions do not make sense to anyone but the illness he is suffering with.

 

[GB1]

Thanks for the words here Proud wife99, I always know in my heart some things, as much as we want to understand them, cannot and there is no reason for it. As you can tell I had a very all over the place weekend.

Have to say though, today I have had such a good day, hardly been thiking about him in a desperate "I miss him so much, I must be with him even though he brings me down" which I was thinking when we had just split up. I have just been busy on repairing and healing myself today, getting on with my life, getting back into a routine, keeping occupied, remebering the important things in mylife that bring me happiness and doing them. I am getting on with my life slowly and it doesn't feel half as miserable and scary as it has done in the last 2 weeks. I feel I am looking ot the future.

Interesting I have become more detached from this situation in the last few days. As I have started to pull myself back from the situation more from him, the contact between us has been more meaningful if i couls use this word? He has been responding to me more so than in the last few weeks in terms of what he says and how he says things, hard to put into words. I don't want to believe oh great yes things will be back to wonderful within a month because I know that won't happen. But equally I am cautious in my contact with him. I read an article by a man on here, Anthony I think his name is, he is a major contributor to work on here and wrote a PDF on PTSD which I skim read over last night but some of what i did read clicked with me in a "I've been there" moment, re supporting a loved one with it. Interesting how he said people sometimes pull away and just feel an incredible sense of relief to be out of the situation, not because they stopped loving or stopped caring but that it was too much for their brains to cope with with the model of the stress cup. That gave me some heartening feelings.

In response to the question, I think it was from Anna 1954, yes he is getting help. He is in a residential house for the next 2 weeks getting group and individual therapy for ex servicemen and mental health, mostly centred on PTSD. I am pleased for him and know that he will really have to feel it before he can attempt to build himself back up, if of course he has the gumption to pull himself back up.

Thank you so much for all the love you guys have sent me over the last few weeks, I am very lucky to have found you and I hope I can continue on this journey with you :)

 

[GB1]

Time for me to share my wonderful news. Me and this bloke are entirely over. I have come to the peaceful and happy conclusion that this man is not someone who I have any time to be in my life.

Many of his excuses he has blamed on his PTSD and depression and a lot of it is just his character, I see this now.

I have made the observation that this man is a husk and there is nothing he wants to do to get better so I just have to leave it and him to it.

I am confident and happy this is the right decision for me and am looking forward to a wonderful future without him and woe is me attitude. It may perhaps sound heartless to some but I have to put myself first as my happiness is more important than being dragged down to his level.

I put my heart into things, I can hold my head high that I tried my hardest but he was beyond help.

 

[bethinhfx]

Hello

I am very new to this so if I'm doing things wrong or what have you please I hope you will understand and have patience with me.

I have just been with my ex boyfriend for around a year, we split up around a week ago. He has suffered from PTSD and depression for a very long time, since he went to Kuwait and Yugoslavia etc in the early nineties with the army. Since around xmas time, he has been so so down which has manifested itself in not washing himself for weeks on end, not shaving (he's currently got a beard) not eating properly and not really going out much or going anywhere or speaking to many people.

I drove down to see him last weekend, he told me he just doesnt love me anymore, he's tried but he just doesnt feel it. I was heartbroken and so confused as he would say "let's be friends" then the next moment i dont want to lose you lets stay together then the next I want us to be together but we just need some time apart for me to sort myself out.

He's got a two week counselling session coming up soon with a charity which helps ex service men with ptsd and he has been interacting with them for years, they prescribe his meds too and help him as much as they can. I am just so so so at a loss at to how to go forward with this. We have continued to communicate this week and both agreed we don't want to give up on each other. (Due to him not being 100% I started to doubt what we had together and wondered if he was worth putting in the effort for as I was getting very little back)

I am trying hard to understand more about PTSD, I have knowledge of it in previous jobs and a family member has suffered from it albeit different reasons. I am at a loss whether or not to give up on him totally or to quietly sit in the background and let him know I am here for him but that I'm not putting my life on hold on the off chance he gets back to feeling how he used to not just about me but life itself. I guess I'm just trying to reach out to others who may have had similar experiences and could offer me any guidance or support through a turbulent time for me....

Thanks for taking the time read and listen

@GB1: Have you considered alanon, which is for spouses of alcoholics. The only reason I am suggesting it is because it may help you come to terms with his PTSD and help you develop skills to help you take care of yourself. It would be easy to get lost in his issues and stop living your life. You can be assertive but still take care of yourself. It is just a suggestion- they would welcome you I am sure and they have meetings everywhere! Peace. Beth

 

[GB1]

Thank you for the support but I am done with him and his problems now, he can work them out himself he has made the decision to not accept any help and my love is too important to give to just anyone who doesnt nurture it

 

[bethinhfx]

Ahhhhh, you already graduated from alanon- good for you. Peace!

 

[Anna1954]

For Phil1983 Just wondering how things are going for you????? Hope well. As for me I am getting back to myself. I keep busy working out and working. I am still having a problem being around my grandson. It seemed like I used to love having around me all the time. But since what happened to me with that guy I had talked about I can't seem to have him around without getting agitated.

Please let me know how things are Phil

 

[Anna1954]

I am not sure if anyone is even reading my posts. But it still feels good to write things down when I am feeling down. I finally talked to the guy with PTSD. I called him when I knew my emotions were not over running my life. We spoke for about an 1 hour. He has never admitted he has PTSD with anyone. But for some reason we care for each other and seem to communicate pretty well. I came right out in a loving way and asked him whether he had PTSD. He admitted to me he has it so we were able to talk about it some. He did say,"You do realize I do care very much for you. If I didn't we would not be having this conversation." I thought it was a very good conversation. I realize he is afraid of commitment like I am. Unlike him I would take a risk on this man.

We talked about him getting treatment. He said he has gone but most therapist are not good and that alot of them do some real shady things. So I can see he has some deeply seeded trust issues. I just hope our communication continues to be open with love, respect and trust for each other.