General Relationship With A Man With Ptsd And Depression

[GB1]

been mostly up these last few weeks and not been on here for quite some time. Still been thinking about the support and lve u have shown me and it helps me carry myself through the days.

Been carrying on with my life making plans for the future, to make myself happy without him. He has been very hit and miss the last few weeks, sometimes not speaking to me other than from the safety of behind a chat system on a computer, other times not at all, others really excited about the idea of going away with me when i suggest it and spend time with him.

Very angry with myself and frustrated that I still after all this time cannot let him go. What do I expect to happen? Him to suddenly realise the error of his ways and profess his undying repentance for what he has said and done to me? It will never happen again, I love you so much I don't want to lose you?

Who am I kidding? I know it will never work with him nor will he ever be someone who can be "fixed". He doesn't appear to really understand what is going on with him and he is not making real changes in his life to be able to get better.

Oh gosh I am just whizzing in my brain with so much crap! I know in my heart I am destined for real love and it's not with him but I can't just turn off still caring for him and wanting him to be better.

Just my thoughts this evening thats all

 

[bethinhfx]

@GB1: It takes a long time to end a relationship; even one that is harmful. I used to chase people who were abusing me? Really? Yes. The more abusive someone was the more I wanted them. One relationship after another' sad but true. The good news is that I changed. It took several years and a lot of nosedives, " insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result" but I did change. I was sick of being sick but I also got some help: professional counselling; a nice relationship; and working on my own self-esteem (through for, making good decisions, taking care of myself), and I finally know that I deserve the best and it shows. We live in a society where women are denigrated and you really have to fight against it. You are attracting what you think you deserve! You deserve better! Beth

 

[ProudWife99]

bethinhfx - I chased my abuser as well. Such an ugly situation with even uglier consequences.

GB1 - I do not know ONE single person who is NOT afraid of commitment. It is a scary thing and calls for caution. That is healthy behavior, to use caution. His fear may be better defined as an inability to handle the stress of a relationship. People often forget (myself included) that PTSD is a stress disorder. We cannot begin to manage the symptoms of PTSD until we learn coping mechanisms that help DEAL with all the other stresses in our life.

For example, my Brain's automatic response to stress is to simply shut off the emotion valve and keep on trucking. At the time I feel fine, as I don't feel much of anything. However, when the situation is resolved and there is less stress, I tend to fall apart completely. My husband is the opposite, where stressful situations leave him completely incapable of dealing with even the most simple tasks.

Life does not stop for us, however. We have trouble dealing with the stress of our marriage, but as we make that the priority we learn different ways to cope, manage, and help one another. Until your man is willing to come to terms with the fact that he needs these tools he will not be able to cope.

I have no doubt he cares for you or you for him. Keep talking. Keep feeling and healing. You can get through this without him.

 

[GB1]

Thanks Bethinhfx

I am finding the last few days especially hard, I don't know why, perhaps I should blame the supermoon over the last few days?! Not been feelign right for the last week or so.

I know the feelings you describe so well, I had been in abusive relationship on and off for 6 years and the way you describe things is so true, I was making such progress in the past, doing everything u have been saying, keeping busy, counselling to work on myself.

In some ways I so wish I had a nice relationship but the way I feel right now I just dont think it will ever happen, I have such a low opinion of men from the past experiences ihave had, I absolutely hate it. I want to be able to support someone in a healthy relationship but i dont understand what a normal relationship is. My relatives are blighted by PTSD and the men I have been with, I don't know what it means to interact with a normal male in a relationship!

I am so so down this evening, a real feeling of despair that I have never had before and I hate it. It is so familiar from past experiences and I thought I had gone past it but it's just back to woe and being brought down. I just want to be happy

 

[GB1]

proud wife 99 thanks for your view, it makes a lot of sense. I knowI'm just having a bad few days and this will pass and eventually I won't give him a second thought and find someone who can give me what i want and need.

Thanks for complementing me on my cautiousnmess, so many people seem so eager to rush into many things now but I put so much thought and consideration into my actions I just can't understand how others don't.

I'm particularly pissed off that he said he would call me this weekend to catch up and he didn't. He apologised and said he just forgot but that he thought I had been angling to try and come down to his for the weekend (not the case, I had planned to see my sister and went to hers for the weekend) I asked him if he still cares for me and he said nothing (albeit this was all on messenger) he said he needs to focus on his children and mental health right now but i am just so upset that he just doesnt figure me in his life anymore, any conversation we have is instigated by me. I just want the time back when we were happy but i know it will never happen yet I continue to flog this dead horse because I miss the love we had.

I feel such an alone idiot who will forever be destined to dysfunctionality. I think I make progress then it all just comes crashing in around me

 

[ProudWife99]

Oh such is the story of a love story that does not have a happy ending. Stop setting such a high standard for yourself to reach and then beat yourself up when you cannot perform at that level.

Someone you love is not returning those loving feelings, and dang it that hurts. Let it hurt. I know it is a very unfortunate thing to feel (pain), but I'm learning in my own therapy how necessary it is. Every break up I've ever experienced, I felt next to nothing. Every loss in my life, I did just as you wish you could do...moved on. I rarely grieved at the loss of anyone in my life and when I did, it was only for a moment.

One day every single moment of pain I avoided feeling throughout my life dropped down on me like a ton of bricks and I was quite literally crushed by it all. Feeling that hurt, dealing with that sadness is the healthiest thing you can do right now. You are right when you say you will move on, it will just take time.

I would suggest no contact with him period, as it still continues to hurt you and he is unreliable. I know it is difficult to see right now and probably very irritating to hear, but time will heal this wound. Good for you for allowing it to bleed when it needs to, but don't throw salt in it by allowing him to continue to dissapoint you.

Take care of yourself, GB1, you deserve it!

 

[GB1]

Thanks proud wife I should have listened to you entirely last time I read this and stayed away. I added smoke to the fire by speaking to him, he ended up telling me he read my diary when we were together. I felt totally betrayed even more after everything else he had done to me.

He had the audacity to then tell me it was game over. I feel so utterly betrayed and angry and ashamed that i allowed a man like this into my life. So much of what he suffered with, I still don't know if it was his PTSD or him being a nasty person, I think it was the latter.

I am so ashamed I have allowed him to take me for a fool and been sucked in by his woe is me attitude. So ashamed I have continued to flog the dead horse that is him when I know I will never get what I want from him.

I guess I just have to keep on concentrating on the long game and breath a massive sigh of relief that I am free of his woe, depression, mood swings, unreliability, gambling addiction, bitter twisted ex wife and inability to put me first. I should be happy I am free to continue with my life and find happiness.

I know it might sound like I am a heartless bitch to some sufferers here and if I do I'm sorry, but I have given it my best shot and decided this is not a man I can support or allow into my life anymore, he is a black hole who sucks the life out of me and is dragging me down.

 

[amethist]

Your not heartless GB1, you got out of a bad relationship. PTSD or not you tried and was let down by his behavior.

To read your private diary then flaunt it in your face, you should have said "Game over" before he did.

Please do not feel ashamed, this could have happened to any one of us. Take care of you now and move on knowing you probably got out before it got any worse.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi GB 1,

I know it might sound like I am a heartless bitch to some sufferers here and if I do I'm sorry, but I have given it my best shot and decided this is not a man I can support or allow into my life anymore, he is a black hole who sucks the life out of me and is dragging me down.

You are no heartless bitch in this matter, no how, no way. You have self respect and will go forward to better things.

Chin up.

 

[GB1]

thanks

 

[GB1]

what a time! been thinking of this man, how he has been getting on, made the MASSIVE mistake of getting back in contact with him. He turns around telling me he still loves his ex wife and is going to try and win her back.

Both are equally sad, they go in fits and waves of getting on really well then at each others throats with the biggest bitterness u could imagine. He is clearly on an "up" time at the moment and believes they will be able to work but I don't think they will ever. Feel a fool for spending my precious time on such a waster who clearly used me.

His good days are here at the moment, but he seems to think there isnt too much water under the bridge and that he can try and make things work with her. I think she would string him along for a while and then they would revert back to type and get nasty again and his depression will rear its head again.

But heck I dont have to deal with this anymore. I'm sorry if this is a little ranty but just trying to get my feelings out as best I can.

I'm free and planning myself a massive trip to travel the world, because I can and I don't have him dragging me down. I'm going to start living after he has been dragging me into his pit of despair. I look forward to happier times with good people who will treat me with love and respect.

 

[Kmallrd]

I am so glad I found this site, and I am so sorry for what you all are going through.

I just started dating a guy a few days ago. We had one wonderful date, and met for coffee yesterday morning. Last night he told me via IM not to contact him anymore. He had told me yesterday morning he suffers from PTSD. I didn't ask any details about what caused it. Last night he was an absolute mess, he was completely pushing me away. I knew this couldn't be him and it was just the disorder. At one point he called me and said he was checking himself into the hospital. But he didn't. His emotions seemed to go from anger to deep sadness and back to anger. He told me he wanted to kill himself because nobody cared about him. I couldn't convince him that I cared about him.

Idk if I should just let him go or try to be there for him.But how do I do that if he won't let me in? I'm going to try to see him this morning. I'm hoping he'll be in a more rational state so we can talk.

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense my mind is reeling from everthing he said to me last night.