Relationship

[Becki06]

I've been in a 8 year relationship with the man of my dreams we are meant to be getting married in 7months but just a few days ago I let my depression get the best of me after a fight where we broke up tried to end my life.

He saved my life called the police called my family but now won't talk to me he is coming to my therapy sessions and is there as a friend but says he can't be in a relationship with me as he is hurting to much.
We were at a therapy session where I as diagnosed with PTSD and it came down to me suffering from loss. The therapist said my partner leaving me was the final nail in the coffin and asked him if he would try to work things out but now things seem to be worse I'm just at such a loss and now within my self that fixing this relationship will help with my recovery

Any advice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I'm a bit confused as to how you were diagnosed with PTSD? I can understand how your partner leaving you would not exactly help things, but I don't think its right for a therapist to essentially say that he needs to stay with you because your PTSD is due to loss and now the loss of him is just making your problems worse. That seems like a bit of emotional blackmail to me on the part of the therapist. That is, your therapist is saying that your partner is making things worse by leaving and trying to guilt him into staying? This doesn't create a healthy dynamic. Rather, its quite unhealthy as you can't guilt anyone into staying with you. Unfortunately everyone has their limits and it sounds like your partner has hit is limits. All you can do is respect his boundaries at this point.

I understand that you feel that fixing the current relationship will help you heal, but all you are doing is reenacting the original trauma. That is, the original trauma was due to loss. Now, if you can "fix" this relationship, you can conquer the "loss" and heal, right? Well, not exactly. MANY of us get caught up in trauma reenactment. I've done it myself (but somehow it wasn't of my own doing).

I think that it would be healthy for you to focus on the original trauma as the source of your PTSD and view this breakup as an additional stressor. Fixing the stressor won't heal the original trauma, unfortunately.

 

[GWhizz]

I think you need to focus on getting yourself to a mentally stable and secure place by yourself right now.

Then maybe consider working on and moving forward in your relationship. My partner has stayed with me through 2 suicide attempts. It was a lot for him to handle. Why should he stay with me if I'm not committed to him either? The act of committing suicide involves commitment to suicide over everything else. Whether it's successful or not. He must worry you'll maybe follow through on it in the future. I don't know how my partner has stuck with me but it's been a struggle. And I had to commit to wanting to live, to not ever trying it again. I can't be on the fence if I expect a life with him at the same time. Does that make sense?

Believe me it's hard, but isn't everything that's worth it hard? And if I ever thought I was going down that road again, I'd tell him to cut his losses and walk away. Why destroy his chances of living a life too?

I think your therapist has some valid points, but I wonder is she considering him fully in this? Remember, your T has unconditional positive regard for you, and that can create a bias. Honestly, I prefer a T who will tell it like it is and pull me up when I'm wrong. Maybe ask your T to consider his side more fully. It's not a case of blame either so please don't feel that way. I would just ask to work on your issues first before jumping back into a potentially lifelong and obviously a very serious and important relationship.

 

[Justmehere]

Let him go. He needs to meet his own needs before he can be a support for you.