Relationships and being intimate

[Star76]

Hi,

So I have a extensive history CSA and am 20 and new to the dating game. I went on a third date with a guy last night and we were getting intimate and I completely freaked out I then explained to him some of my history. I really liked him and am so cross with my self for freaking out I feel as though I have ruined it with him and it was going so well as I feel as though what man would want a girl who freaks when ever things start to get intimate!? I feel so dirty. Things were starting to come together in my life and now they are unraveling again.

 

[Kubash16]

I’m so sorry :hug:. Are you currently in therapy? Are you sure you are ready to date? It’s okay that you freaked, that is totally normal. It may or may not have damaged things with him, that’s up to him. It’s early in the relationship so he may back away, be prepared for that. But he may not, your reaction was completely understandable. Now to that point, if he treats you badly (other then respectfully backing away) because of your reaction? You don’t want him anyway, that would be a huge red flag you want to stay clear of.

 

[Friday]

Things were starting to come together in my life and now they are unraveling again.

Unraveling like
- Your symptoms are kicking up into high gear and getting out of control?
- Catastrophizing? (A bad date isn’t the end of the world, but it can feel like it).
- Disqualifying the positive? (One thing went wrong, so now it feels like everything is going wrong ...even when it isn’t, the things going right “don’t count” for whatever reason).
- You’ve discovered an area to work on that you didn’t think you did? :wtf: Hate that. Aargh. One more thing / here I thought I was doing better than I actually appear to be.
- You judge how successful your life is by whether or not you’re in a successful relationship, ticking all the right boxes? (If you’d broken up for any other reason, it would feel as if you’ve failed, are failing, and your life just isn’t working out.)
- Some from Column A some from Column B?

 

[EveHarrington]

what man would want a girl who freaks when ever things start to get intimate!?

A man who truly loves you.

Guys who only want sex? Yeah, they’ll walk away when you freak out, but who cares because they only want sex.

The idea that guys won’t want you if you freak out during sex directly relates to the idea that guys only want one thing or care about one thing. I think you need to challenge this idea because it really sells many guys short. Sex is only one part of a relationship. There are many parts of a relationship.

A guy who truly loves you cares more about your well being than having an orgasm. A guy who truly loves you will have no problem stopping physical intimacy when you react because of past trauma. It hurts my guy when I have a bad reaction during sex. He doesn’t want to see me like that so he gives me full control, I always initiate, etc.

Since you’re young, new to the dating game, and have an extensive history of CSA.......I’ll break the bad news. This could very well be an issue that you struggle with for years, maybe life. Well, what I mean is that you can indeed make strides in healing, but may deal with these kinds of reactions for a long time. The reactions will get better over time. You’ll learn how to handle them better. You’ll learn what comforts you when you do react. For me, when I react during sex, my guy knows to stop immediately, tell me I am safe (repeatedly), cover me up, hand me my teddy bear, and hold me.

I’ve been dealing with these reactions for longer than I’d like to admit. (I’m in my 30’s, so yeah...)

 

[Star76]

I just want to say thank you all for your responses I have found them to be extremely helpful and supportive. Its really nice to know that I’m not alone with the whole freaking out thing! Thanks again x