I’m 19 and since I was around 11, I have always had the worst anxiety around men. When I say anxiety I mean if I am alone with a male/males I will instantly be convinced they are thinking ab assaulting me, or That I’m in danger of being assaulted and straight away think of ways I could escape the situation. I constantly feel vulnerable and that all men are looking at me in a sexual way, and that they all think of what they could do to me if given the chance.
It’s happens with all men older than me , teachers, therapists , strangers, uncles , grandads , family friends. It’s all I can focus on even if I’ve known this person my whole life, it’s a deep set panic to act normal but also have a plan in place incase they attempt something. I can still leave the house/ be AROUND my family and just live my daily life, it’s only when I’m alone with a man in a situation, or walking down a road and there’s a man behind me/across the road that I’ll panic.
I’ve also been hyper sexual from the age of around 6, I remember falling asleep to thinking of sex scenes from movies I watched and making up scenarios , or even thinking of the cartoon characters having sex , I would replay those scenes, not out of curiosity but just from the sheer thought of someone wanting you in that way. I started having sex at the age of 14 with my 14 year old boyfriend (only partner I’ve ever had) and it would be daily, I even had to be sent to the hospital when I was 15 and they asked if I had been sexually assaulted because my cervix had been so bruised and my body was covered in bruises but it was simply because I was so (consentually) sexually active with my boyfriend that it got to that point, my boyfriend even asked for a break from sex because I simply always wanted to do it!
I have my fair share of trauma, mentally and physically abusive household from the age of 6-10, homeless from 11-12 , suicide attempt at 13, lost my FP at 18 after a 4 year relationship ( I have BPD) which caused my 2nd attempt and extreme dissociation which I have only come out of 6 months later, and just general depression, anxiety.
It’s like all rational thinking flies out the window , why would my uncle who has never done anything to make me uncomfortable and who I have a great relationship try that? Why would my grandad who held me when I was born and offer me nothing but support want to touch me?. I’ve recently come out of a deep dissociation of 6 months, I literally cannot remember anything from May - Augest, which is what made me think of repressed memories, and how maybe these fears stem from something that may of happened as a child.
I use to go to Therapy when I was 13 but I was too afraid to bring up my abuse past so never dealt with that area of my life, I just want to feel comfortable around people again but I don’t know where to start, how would I start dealing with this?
It’s happens with all men older than me , teachers, therapists , strangers, uncles , grandads , family friends. It’s all I can focus on even if I’ve known this person my whole life, it’s a deep set panic to act normal but also have a plan in place incase they attempt something. I can still leave the house/ be AROUND my family and just live my daily life, it’s only when I’m alone with a man in a situation, or walking down a road and there’s a man behind me/across the road that I’ll panic.
I’ve also been hyper sexual from the age of around 6, I remember falling asleep to thinking of sex scenes from movies I watched and making up scenarios , or even thinking of the cartoon characters having sex , I would replay those scenes, not out of curiosity but just from the sheer thought of someone wanting you in that way. I started having sex at the age of 14 with my 14 year old boyfriend (only partner I’ve ever had) and it would be daily, I even had to be sent to the hospital when I was 15 and they asked if I had been sexually assaulted because my cervix had been so bruised and my body was covered in bruises but it was simply because I was so (consentually) sexually active with my boyfriend that it got to that point, my boyfriend even asked for a break from sex because I simply always wanted to do it!
I have my fair share of trauma, mentally and physically abusive household from the age of 6-10, homeless from 11-12 , suicide attempt at 13, lost my FP at 18 after a 4 year relationship ( I have BPD) which caused my 2nd attempt and extreme dissociation which I have only come out of 6 months later, and just general depression, anxiety.
It’s like all rational thinking flies out the window , why would my uncle who has never done anything to make me uncomfortable and who I have a great relationship try that? Why would my grandad who held me when I was born and offer me nothing but support want to touch me?. I’ve recently come out of a deep dissociation of 6 months, I literally cannot remember anything from May - Augest, which is what made me think of repressed memories, and how maybe these fears stem from something that may of happened as a child.
I use to go to Therapy when I was 13 but I was too afraid to bring up my abuse past so never dealt with that area of my life, I just want to feel comfortable around people again but I don’t know where to start, how would I start dealing with this?
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