Childhood Repressed sexual abuse? is that possible?

[J.Tizzle]

Hey all,
I'm not sure this is allowed here, but I'm desperate to talk to somebody right now.
I was raised by a mentally ill abusive mother. That trauma started later in life, around middle school. But lately, I'm wondering if some type of sexual abuse happened when I was younger. I've had a few people say it sounds like it, but I'm unsure. I really feel like I would remember something like that.
I've always hated the idea of sex. I'm not a prude, and actually pretty liberal with my beliefs around sex, but I can't get comfortable with it for myself. I have a real relationship for the first time. He's a great guy, and I want to connect with him. I had sex for the first time with him a couple of months ago. (I'm 26). We've done it several times. I feel oddly depersonalized and uncomfortable during it, even though I'm very comfortable with him. Since having sex, my anxiety has been through the roof.
My body's reaction to being touched a certain way is a bit strange, but any time he touches me around the thighs or even around the wait, my body recoils as if he's holding a burning torch to my skin. I'm not sure why. I have no issues with being touched above the waist - in fact, I'm a pretty touchy person - but something feels very wrong about a man touching me below the waist.
The idea of oral sex is almost out of the question. Just thinking about giving somebody a blow job almost makes me want to have a panic attack.
I really, really like this guy, but I've almost considered leaving him because I can't seem to get comfortable with it.

When I was five, a friend brought me to a neighbors house. He had lots of other girls playing in his yard and on his porch. I can hardly remember my kindergarten teacher, who I saw every day, but I remember this random neighbor vividly. I remember his hat, his clothes, his smile, his dogs, where his home was and what his porch looked like. I remember how he would smile at us and brought us candy and how much I liked him because he was really nice. I remember that day well... at least, the beginning of it. He guided me inside, but I always said I got scared and left. However, I don't really remember that. I don't remember anything from the rest of that day.
I remember sometime after that, I ran into him outside. He invited me to his house, which scared me so badly I ran and hid. I don't know what shifted and why the nice man who was my friend suddenly became so terrifying to me, but he was.
One day he was gone. I had suddenly become a very fearful, anxious kid, obsessed with tragedy, always thinking something bad was going to happen. Years later, I found out the neighbor was arrested. They found child pornography in his house and apparently he had been convicted of sexually abusing the other neighborhood girls.

I have a history of depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-harm, addiction, bipolar, and eating disorders. I've been in recovery from drug addiction for five years, and in those five years I have put a lot of effort into getting well. I've done a lot of work with my depression and can honestly say I'm doing better than I thought possible. :) Most days I am quite happy. But, being in a relationship has brought up issues I had never paid much attention to.
Are repressed memories even real? Is there a reason I feel this way, or am I just a nutcase? I feel like a crazy person. :(

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome to the site, I d taken out your trigger warning because we don’t use them here.

Repressed memories do happen, yes and often with trauma at an early age we simply don’t have a coherent memory of what actually happened because of the way the brain stores traumatic memory.

In saying that, no one here can tell you whether you were sexually abused, the stuff you’re describing could come from anywhere particularly if you experienced abuse at home as a child. My suggestion would be to find a therapist to work through the issues you have with sex, if there’s anything underlying that it’ll come up as you do the work.

In the meantime have a look around here, there are lots of folk struggling with the whole “was I sexually abused” question - you’re not alone in it.

 

[Sideways]

Repressed memories can be real.

Problem is, it doesn’t take a whole lot of pressure or misguided “help” and the brain can also create false memories to try and fill gaps.

People that say “You probably have repressed memories of sexual abuse” - to me? That’s a really dreadful thing to do, especially if the person has already been through the wringer with their mental health the way you have. You’ve dealt with a whole lot of stuff already, so piling on that horrible fear of “was I sexually abused”? Don’t do that to yourself.

Start by normalising stuff. Despite the pressure we get from the media? It’s actually okay and normal to not be into sex. It’s okay to not like sex, enjoy it, want it. If it’s not working for you? With everything else you’ve got going on? Take the pressure off yourself. Step back. Try and be compassionate with yourself enough that if you don’t want to go there right now? That’s okay. Doesn’t mean you’ll never like sex - but even if you don’t? There’s plenty of asexual people around.

Secondly? I think finding out that, as a child, you’d hung out at a convicted pedophiles place would be pretty unsettling. It makes sense to me that suddenly, knowing what you know now, you’re hyperanalysing what happened there. The fact you don’t remember the entire day? That’s actually ok. It’s entirely possible that you don’t remember simply because it was unremarkable.

You have a lot of healing to do. You’ve suffered waaaay more than your share, and your health? Deserves your utmost attention. You deserve for things to get better.

Are you working with a T? If so, put the question of repressed memories aside. The vast majority of experiences from our childhood that we can’t fully remember are not anything sinister. They’re just things we don’t remember. And in the absolute worst-case scenario that something did happen? Your brain will give you access to those memories when it feels you are ready.

I can absolutely understand the anxiety associated with wanting to know. Unfortunately, if we push ourselves for answers? Our brain will create something simply to answer our questions for us, without it necessarily being accurate.

You are not somehow defective or damaged simply because you’re not into sex right now. That’s totally okay. And it’s okay to not participate in sex if you don’t want - even if your partner wants to.

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree that the brain can come up with false memories to fill the gaps. It happened to me, so I don't exactly trust my own memories. I trust the ones that are confirmed by others.

With this said, it's also worth it to point out that the false memories usually come up for a reason. Even if you weren't abused, you have feelings and realities related to themt that need to be addressed in order for you to move on.

A false memory usually appears with strong suggestion. For example, one of mine was an abuse that happened from a friend's father. The father was not sexually abusive, but there was extreme negligence going towards my friend that reminded me and triggered memories of my own father abuses. Since that friend is like a brother to me, I mixed it all up in my head.
It could be possible that since you know it happened to other girls, you are afraid of it happening to you. It's horrible that it happens to anyone, you can have reactions to it even if it didn't happen to you. Just the fact that you were there made you a target even if it didn't happen.

What I'm saying is, it may or may not have happened to you, but there are consequences of it in your mind that should be addressed regardless.

 

[Swift]

Yeah.
Look, I know a lot about the background of "false memory syndrome" and why and how it was invented.
To keep it brief and not seem like I'm trying to sway you one way or the other, cos I'm not, false memories can basically not be constructed where abuse doesn't exist, and even then it's rare. Even if the abuse was of other kinds.
I think as a little kid, even if nothing happened other than this dude being a giant creeper and making you feel unsafe and like other stuff was about to happen, that could still give you issues with sex.
Although, I wonder if it's sex or intimacy or both that's causing your current "problems?"
I only call them that because they seem to distress you.
There's nothing wrong with not liking or wanting sex. But if you do, and there's something standing in the way, that's different.
It can totally be a combination of both.
Sex is the most physically vulnerable we can make ourselves to another person.
If you've been abused in any way, I can see that scaring the bejeebus out of you.

 

[MyWillow]

Yeah this stuff is hard work. I am struggling with it myself and doing my darnedest to remain ambivalent.

I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all. I get that I have to deal with some shit from my narcissistic father and enabling mother.

But on top of that I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks which are incredibly disturbing - some which I’m totally amnesiac for - and a part of me calmly saying “I was raped by my cousin.” It’s doing my head in and I just remind myself that it changes NOTHING about me - whether it’s true or not.

 

[hithere]

Yes. Though I do believe false memory sydrome is a thing, I do know for a FACT that sexual abuse can be completely repressed. When you're on the right path there is an "aha" yes this is true, and listening to your dreams is very helpful. Putting two and two together and facing the facts can be very hard. I have had my facts completely validated by the perpetrator himself in writing. However, i have had more than one perpetrator! When you are "ready" you will know. The mind/body/self has this way of taking care of itself. It will hide and keep carried away so that we can live somewhat normal lives. Then, when it knows you are in a safer place, a little more mature, it will start revealing the painful things in order to unburden the self. Because even if not part of one's story that is story, it is stored somewhere and it is a burden and physically and emotionally taxing to keep it hidden away. When it's time to unpack it all and put ourselves back to together, it as though we don't even have a choice! I do know also that you can move on to a more fulfilling life without remembering or doing trauma work. If you partner is a kind, patient, and gentle you can do exercises together that can build emotional and sexual intimacy over time. Start where you are at and slowly move to the next level. It's like "exposure response" therapy with your bodies. There are books out there for couples to use a guide for growing in a sex life, especially for people who have an aversion to sex but want to have a healthy sex life. I for one think a healthy sex life is worth fighting for. I've experienced it and can say it's definitely worth fighting for. I wish you the very best! "The Body Keeps the Score" is a great book to help with the topic of repressed memories in my opinion.