Resurrection!!

[Disposable]

Interesting enough, the last two years have been just about recovery. I've made no gains, lost no ground. Today I look at the time wasted and am thoroughly disgusted. When will this be over? When will I be me again?

 

[airsquid]

I understand your frustration very much. I'm 30 now and just realizing I wasted the last 3 or 4 years in a downward spiral. Losing very much on a few different fronts. Job, car, drivers license for a couple years, my spirit and my home. I'm still waiting to gain back at least one of those. Reason being I received 2 DUIs in 2012(my only 2 offenses outside of underage drinking). Thank God I didn't lose my Girlfriend who has Borderline Personality disorder so it therefore very very very understanding of my condition and is my angel. Although I blew it with other friends. I very often feel like a shell of a person who will never be the earlier version who was able to balance school, work, and an internship(all full time) without even sweating. Now I struggle to get through a day with relative ease. I just found out today that there is a warrant for my arrest due to my inability to make one of the court payments.

My biggest problem is I WON'T ALLOW myself to get better. I am so constantly overcome with guilt that I sabotage any positive events that happen to me now which might take me in the right direction. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. Even though I know deep down I do, I still can't fight the constant visceral feeling of guilt and anger. It's eating me alive.