littlestars
Bronze Member
I've been struggling with my motivation to do just about anything lately. I never really processed my attempts. I'm sure it was disturbing and hurtful for my family and friends. Well, I know it was, but for whatever reason I don't really feel guilt, or perhaps I'm numbing it out. It's been a decade since it happened. I tried to be strong and I was periodically. I'm not feeling that bad right now. I just don't know how to repair what I felt has been broken within me. Does anyone else feel that way? I'd imagine that you do.
When I have to do something, literally anything, I get frustrated and wonder what's the point of doing whatever task I must do. It's difficult to find the will I once had to just go about my days before all of that happened. It was beyond overwhelming. Nobody should feel like that ever.
I lost my brother seven years ago. My family and I don't know if it was an accident or intentional. I don't know if he would think to do that purposefully. Maybe he did. The two of us had a lot in common and were very close. We spoke about life often and how difficult it was for us. Before he passed away I felt like something was wrong and I spoke with him about this. I told him that I would be so devasted if anything happened to him. He told me that he would fall apart. I miss him. He was my father figure and the only man in my life that I could trust.
After he passed away I felt like I should live my life in such a way that would make me happy because I know that it would make him happy. I was so lonely without him though and still am. There are often times when I still need him very much. Not just for help, but for the love that he is missing out on. I try to think about what he would tell me often. He left a legacy of wisdom and love behind. It's so odd that I'm older than him now.
Anyway, that "lust for life" has kind of dwindled down. I'm trying my best to be a person even before he passed away. I broke down last year around his birthday. I'm not thrilled about that. Nobody would. I don't want to feel like that ever again.
I'm on medication that is helping me stay above water, but it's always in the back of my mind. Not just my grief for him. The grief I have over my life before I tried to do that to myself. I'm still me and that is good. Something deep down is not necessarily aching, but it's just not how I used to be. Even when I'm experiencing joy it seems as though that memory I have of myself during that attempt haunts me. Recently, I thought about joining an in-person support group. I fear I will have a setback though. I think I prefer this forum better. I just want to live completely again. That's all. I want it to stick. I want whatever this is in me to be able to repair it somehow. I know that I hold a lot of grief. I let it come out. I just wonder if anyone who is reading this right now has some kind of answer or suggestion(s). I would appreciate it greatly and I hope that this post in someway helps you too, not just myself.
When I have to do something, literally anything, I get frustrated and wonder what's the point of doing whatever task I must do. It's difficult to find the will I once had to just go about my days before all of that happened. It was beyond overwhelming. Nobody should feel like that ever.
I lost my brother seven years ago. My family and I don't know if it was an accident or intentional. I don't know if he would think to do that purposefully. Maybe he did. The two of us had a lot in common and were very close. We spoke about life often and how difficult it was for us. Before he passed away I felt like something was wrong and I spoke with him about this. I told him that I would be so devasted if anything happened to him. He told me that he would fall apart. I miss him. He was my father figure and the only man in my life that I could trust.
After he passed away I felt like I should live my life in such a way that would make me happy because I know that it would make him happy. I was so lonely without him though and still am. There are often times when I still need him very much. Not just for help, but for the love that he is missing out on. I try to think about what he would tell me often. He left a legacy of wisdom and love behind. It's so odd that I'm older than him now.
Anyway, that "lust for life" has kind of dwindled down. I'm trying my best to be a person even before he passed away. I broke down last year around his birthday. I'm not thrilled about that. Nobody would. I don't want to feel like that ever again.
I'm on medication that is helping me stay above water, but it's always in the back of my mind. Not just my grief for him. The grief I have over my life before I tried to do that to myself. I'm still me and that is good. Something deep down is not necessarily aching, but it's just not how I used to be. Even when I'm experiencing joy it seems as though that memory I have of myself during that attempt haunts me. Recently, I thought about joining an in-person support group. I fear I will have a setback though. I think I prefer this forum better. I just want to live completely again. That's all. I want it to stick. I want whatever this is in me to be able to repair it somehow. I know that I hold a lot of grief. I let it come out. I just wonder if anyone who is reading this right now has some kind of answer or suggestion(s). I would appreciate it greatly and I hope that this post in someway helps you too, not just myself.
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