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Returning to Life After Attempt

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littlestars

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I've been struggling with my motivation to do just about anything lately. I never really processed my attempts. I'm sure it was disturbing and hurtful for my family and friends. Well, I know it was, but for whatever reason I don't really feel guilt, or perhaps I'm numbing it out. It's been a decade since it happened. I tried to be strong and I was periodically. I'm not feeling that bad right now. I just don't know how to repair what I felt has been broken within me. Does anyone else feel that way? I'd imagine that you do.

When I have to do something, literally anything, I get frustrated and wonder what's the point of doing whatever task I must do. It's difficult to find the will I once had to just go about my days before all of that happened. It was beyond overwhelming. Nobody should feel like that ever.

I lost my brother seven years ago. My family and I don't know if it was an accident or intentional. I don't know if he would think to do that purposefully. Maybe he did. The two of us had a lot in common and were very close. We spoke about life often and how difficult it was for us. Before he passed away I felt like something was wrong and I spoke with him about this. I told him that I would be so devasted if anything happened to him. He told me that he would fall apart. I miss him. He was my father figure and the only man in my life that I could trust.

After he passed away I felt like I should live my life in such a way that would make me happy because I know that it would make him happy. I was so lonely without him though and still am. There are often times when I still need him very much. Not just for help, but for the love that he is missing out on. I try to think about what he would tell me often. He left a legacy of wisdom and love behind. It's so odd that I'm older than him now.

Anyway, that "lust for life" has kind of dwindled down. I'm trying my best to be a person even before he passed away. I broke down last year around his birthday. I'm not thrilled about that. Nobody would. I don't want to feel like that ever again.

I'm on medication that is helping me stay above water, but it's always in the back of my mind. Not just my grief for him. The grief I have over my life before I tried to do that to myself. I'm still me and that is good. Something deep down is not necessarily aching, but it's just not how I used to be. Even when I'm experiencing joy it seems as though that memory I have of myself during that attempt haunts me. Recently, I thought about joining an in-person support group. I fear I will have a setback though. I think I prefer this forum better. I just want to live completely again. That's all. I want it to stick. I want whatever this is in me to be able to repair it somehow. I know that I hold a lot of grief. I let it come out. I just wonder if anyone who is reading this right now has some kind of answer or suggestion(s). I would appreciate it greatly and I hope that this post in someway helps you too, not just myself.
 
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One thing I’ve found, is that it’s impossible to live my life in response/guilt/responsibility for someone else’s life.

It’s an impossible burden.

Or? An ecstatic sparkle.

So I get the duty. But I also get the unsustainablity. Your life matters. For its own sake.

Living purely for another? Is only a stopgap. Rather than a solution.
 
abject apathy is the heart and soul of my own suicidal ideation. when i can't bring myself to care about anything, the suicide is already in progress, be it through the efficiency of a rope or the more tedious suicide of neglect and/or self loathing.

like @Friday , i, too, find living my life to please others --live or dead-- to be an impossible load. i can carry that load for a while, but not sustainably. i gotta come from my own heart if i want it to work. nobody can live my life for me.
 
Hi @littlestars / I am on limited time so I hope this makes sense and might be a little help, I can come back later to flesh it out.

Yes your post is helpful as I relate. I will say I have stayed alive to honor other's bravery; to care for others' needs, and the like. I was not only ashamed/ mortified/ grossed out by my past attempts but also disclosing it's resurgence. Recently I was even more or at least equally as ashamed at confessing the content of what I had done 38-40 years ago. Although I did broach the fact about 16-18(?) years ago that I (felt like) I was a murderer, due to my inaction.

If I could do it again, or what I have learned, is (as I was told- "That's 30 years ago! Who are these people and what business is it of theirs?? Protect your heart!"), it is really just the garbage of the past. Ten years certainly is past, so is 40 for me. It occurred because we were devastated, decimated, and out of resources or no help. We did the best we could with the tools we had at the time, as did your brother too.

If I had to do it again I would not try to find meaning or a solution, per se, for me I think it kept it just too close to the forefront of my mind, which became SI. I would speak or confess it out loud to someone you can trust when you are ready, who understands the gravity and need for forgiveness (including forgiving yourself), because yes I think you are right that it is about shame and grief. I would not focus on the meaning or value/ lack-of-feeling of life or one's existence/ self, but rather look at how others would feel (if there are people in your life) or how you felt, if you were not there. I believe that is part of the meaning of what existence may be about. We can sense it with the absence.

Gentle hugs and lots of self care is what I'd say you need lots of. And I do get it, I almost on sunday bought a honey donut (crueller) because my mom liked them, it was the day of her death, have done it other years. Thought make it a nice thing. Went to 2 stores, no luck. Then I thought in line, "I can't taste honey, (genetically), is this what I need to keep doing? No, maybe something that is 'me', even if it is different. That can be positive, too, and honor her memory even more."

I hope my words are not offensive but disregard if you need to. I feel your brother would want you to be you, and just do the best you can, and if he can help you I am sure he is. And I am sure you are uniquely qualified to understand others' struggles with more empathy than most after all that, as seems self-evident to me if you are concerned even your post may also help someone else (it does).

Virtual hug to you. I hope each day you will feel a bit better and stronger and happier and more at peace. Even this stuff can be healed and pass. 💙
 
ETA @littlestars I didn't feel (constantly) the guilt about the attempts, but no one new about them and attributed the consequences when I couldn't hide them to other things, but rather what pain it would have caused one person had it been successful, my self-centeredness, but also how messed up all of it was. What I am saying is I mean, just for me, the 'processing' was part of a much bigger picture of what contributed to feeling attempts were the only option left, and what the whole thing said about me (my self concept). So in a way it worked / works itself out, because it was more a symptom or consequence than a cause. So in a way it worked / works itself out processing other parts. (I am still learning).

I think your family and friends would be just glad you are here and happy with what makes you happy, in a healthy way.

I don't think we can remain the same person, but that isn't always a bad thing?

Someone wise I respect a lot said 2 things that surprised me: that he would never take direction from someone who hadn't gone through suffering, but he would weigh and listen to those who had (I never thought of any value to it- at least that kind of suffering, as I blamed myself for being the Captain of my own misery. Yet even SI, or not being able to shake it, is not our 'fault', nor is it weak so much as trying to do everything without help). And that change sucks. But we accept it. I think it depends how much we choose it- our perspective. If we agree to get our leg amputated because of cancer or Diabetes for example, it's different than if we lose it in an accident or by violence without warning. And context- do we have a support net, or are we single or the bread winner? Etc. Both cases cause suffering and fear or anger or ( (X)- many emotions), even apathy, but we have some control on what we choose to think about it. So if you can frame whatever small choices you make for your good in a positive way, it might still feel scary or fruitless, but don't even let yourself go down that rabbit hole. Just keep doing them. Including eating, sleep hygiene, and planning. And keep talking.

Also to check if physiological depression or physical illness is contributing.

Best wishes to you.
 
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