Right Now I Am That Little Girl Who Doesn't Understand Why Daddy Left Her

[ronin47]

I'm listening to a song, sung by the Irish group Westlife, that is taking me back to that day when I was three years old. I was three when my parents divorced. Before that, my dad left often to travel for work. I didn't like it when he left, but I always knew that at least he was going to come back. One day, like many days before, daddy went to the door with his suitcases and said he was leaving, like many times before, I pleaded with him not to go. I relented under the pretext that he would come back.

Except, this time, he didn't come back. And I didn't understand why. I kept asking, "When's daddy coming home?" Nobody ever gave me an answer.

The title is "Leaving"

Watching the clock on the wall, been a while since you called,
I can't help but wait, it's late and I can't get no sleep,
Something's different this time, it just doesn't feel right,
Have we broken in two, am I really gonna lose you tonight
You come walking in, tears in your eyes, pretending like it's alright

But I know you’re leaving, I know that smile
I can tell you've been crying, You’re gonna say goodbye
I wish I could stop you, But you've made up your mind
I beg you don't go, But I already know you’re leaving

Where does the time go?
Between goodbye and hello
How did we come to this is there something we missed, Along the way
With your bags at the door, I wanna pull you in close
And hold you once more even though, I know you're leaving

It's strange, at first I just thought the song was beautiful and sad. Then it began to tug at my heartstrings, then I felt those heartstrings began to stretch, then I felt my eyes well up, and tonight, for some reason, the dam broke. I'm sitting here, reliving that day, sobbing convulsively, and crying like I haven't cried in a long time.

And yet, I keep listening to the song, letting it pull at my heart. I don't know. The only way I can cry is by listening to this song, and somehow...it feels good. I don't think I've ever cried about this before in my life.

 

[Cheshire]

(((((Ronin)))))

I don't know what to say.. but I feel for you, and I know what you mean. Take care of yourself hun.

 

[KP the nut]

"When's daddy coming home?" Nobody ever gave me an answer.

(((Ronin))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to what you wrote. My Dad used to work away from home and I was used to him coming home. Then one day when I was 4 or 5 he just never came home. Of course I was convinced it was something I had said or done.

For me the crying point was in the movie 'The Railway Children' right at the end when Jenny Agutter shouts 'Daddy, my Daddy' as the train pulled in.

I never heard from him again, no birthday cards or anything, we were just cast aside, like worthless rubbish.

 

[Heather]

Ronin - My parents were divorced when I was 3 y/o too. My father was never around, hardly ever called and to make matters worse my mother would say that he didn't love us.

A therapist that I had when I was a teenager said, "if your father can't love you, then you can't love yourself".

 

[Abrasky]

(((hugs))))
Ronin. I hope that that sadness will be filled by a happy memory one day.

 

[Kintsugi]

((((Ronin))))
I am sorry to hear that you're experiencing this. Being taken back like that by art especially is very tough for me. Here for you.

 

[ronin47]

Thank you very much for the support everyone.

Last night was rough. I woke up stiff and sore this morning from crying so hard. I feel....numb. All my pictures of my dad are under my bed, I can't stand to look at them, I'll just fall apart again if I do.

As the night returns, so does the deep, choking grief I felt last night. All this because of a song?

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((ronin)))))

 

[Beachboxer]

I'm glad you can cry.. gentle hugs ronin