Rough Patch

[Casey_03]

I am abusing alcohol again. I can't seem to function in a "normal" life. I'm fine when I work in the war zone. It's when I'm back in Kiev that things fall apart and I realize I am an empty shell. I have three days off this weekend. Days that normal people would spend seeing friends and doing whatever it is that normal people do. But I have no friends, I feel close to no one, and I don't feel I have any purpose when I wake up in the morning. Being away from the war zone makes me all too aware of this and I end up drinking. A lot of people say they drink to numb feelings, but I drink to feel. I keep thinking I've already lived enough; I've experienced more in my 30 years than many people have in their entire lives. I'm tired. I don't see things getting better. I think I'm all out of fuel.

 

[Friday]

When I'm tired I make myself do 2 things:

1) Rest. "Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness." - Max Erhman

2) After I've rested I make up a list of all the stuff I am sick and damn tired of. It feels like a defeat list, which is why I wait... To keep those born of fatigue & loneliness from piling on just for the fun of it :wtf:... & then I turn the list on its head. That's not a defeat list. That's a goals list.

Goals for you I see so far using that paradigm ;)
- Able to see things getting better. Okay. What do you need for that to happen? Not for things to just get better, but to be able to see it.
- Have a purpose when you wake. Not just at work, but on your days off, too.
- Feel close to someone(s). Ditto, what makes you *feel* close?
- Figure out what normal / wanted is for you. What would you like your normal to look like? From sky's the limit down on to pragmatically.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sounds like your life is designed to keep the trauma at bay. Are you goiing to do this dance your whole life?

 

[Ronin]

Being close to no one? Can be an advantage. You get to explore what all you can do, without anyone dragging you down.

You surely have experienced more than many have in 30 years... but there's stil lot more you haven't experienced. Different kind of experiences, entirely. They will come, but you need to be here for them. Even if the waiting sucks at times.

Last I heard, shells were hiding pearls. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Last I heard, shells were hiding pearls. ;)

That's sweet @Cashew .

I understand @Casey_03 . Hugs to you. :hug:

 

[Lessthanzero]

"A lot of people say they drink to numb feelings, but I drink to feel."

I said the exact same thing to one of my only friends back home over Skype the other day. All I can say is, I don't know what to do or how to make it go away. Being around other people is good but I've kinda forgotten how to do that.