Skye.C
New Here
All kinds of abuse.
TL;DR Coming from many years of severe abuse and gone through extensive work on self. I am here to share and learn.
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I don’t know where to start. The abuse of me started when I was 3 with all kinds of brutality (physical/sexual/emotional) until I was 7 and my siblings were 5 and 1, and we're placed as foster children within the family (with grandparents) where the abuse continued. Abuse was all I knew. I was 16 when I ran away towards adulthood, and the unknown, to save myself; because the abuse had become so severe, I couldn't see myself surviving it, if I stayed. Without a support system or therapy, living on survival instincts, I spent the following years following the trails trained upon me, which resulted in years of rape, beatings, abandonments; being stalked, attacked, threatened. Fearing life, distrusting people, disassociating from memories, I was serving others to feel a purpose; having no needs, no voice, no worth.
Between the age of 18 and 41, I had 2 children, I married and divorced 3 times. Never did drugs, didn't become an alcoholic, stayed away from medications, but I did become a workaholic with 3 periods of exhaustion depression and a TIA as a result. I was a servant to society as a person without worth, knowing I had to change my circumstances. I have changed my name many times legally to be safe. I have moved 38 times in adulthood to be safe, 49 in my life. There are no roots, but inside me.
At 41, choosing to change my circumstances and yearning for healthy relationships; I divorced my husband, and took the opportunity to do an extensive therapy "once and for all" as a promise to myself. It was Now or Never for me. It would take 8 years to get through it, but I didn’t know that at the time.
The first 4 years, I spent between 5-15 hrs a day, 7 days a week, of deep diving therapy and quantum psychology, going through it again choosing different healthy responses; had flashbacks and night terrors, but learned to change my auto-responses; got rid of survival instincts, unlearning e v e r y t h i n g.
The next 4 years started with adjusting to a life without old tools, constantly being mindful of old vs new reactions, choosing carefully the responses to life and creating new and healthy habits. The last two years of those 4, I have adjusted to living a life without shame and guilt. Learning to take on life's "normal" struggles and n o t respond with old, trained reactions but consciously choosing better. I fail, and I still struggle with my worth and loving myself fully, but I'm healing and the times I fail to See myself, are few and far in between. I'm highly sensitive to the tone of voice still and I suspect I always will, but I no longer must run to be safe, I don't have to move to be okay. I have safely kept my current name for 12 years, allowing me to become who I want to be. I’m successful at work and I guess no one would ever believe any of this about me. My past isn’t visible to others unless you catch me in the dark. I have done extensive shadow work, and I don’t believe healing journeys ever get done, but emerging from doing what I have done is a pure love for life and people. A gratefulness for being alive. An ability to separate people from their actions to understand and accept other people’s choices. I have no religion, and I believe in no god, but I have a spiritual sense of love as an Inner Narrator.
I found this place after searching for a corner to share, because writing got me through it. Maybe I can help someone else with my story, my thoughts, my experiences; and learn to find worth within myself easier, as a result.
ღ
Skye
TL;DR Coming from many years of severe abuse and gone through extensive work on self. I am here to share and learn.
-
I don’t know where to start. The abuse of me started when I was 3 with all kinds of brutality (physical/sexual/emotional) until I was 7 and my siblings were 5 and 1, and we're placed as foster children within the family (with grandparents) where the abuse continued. Abuse was all I knew. I was 16 when I ran away towards adulthood, and the unknown, to save myself; because the abuse had become so severe, I couldn't see myself surviving it, if I stayed. Without a support system or therapy, living on survival instincts, I spent the following years following the trails trained upon me, which resulted in years of rape, beatings, abandonments; being stalked, attacked, threatened. Fearing life, distrusting people, disassociating from memories, I was serving others to feel a purpose; having no needs, no voice, no worth.
Between the age of 18 and 41, I had 2 children, I married and divorced 3 times. Never did drugs, didn't become an alcoholic, stayed away from medications, but I did become a workaholic with 3 periods of exhaustion depression and a TIA as a result. I was a servant to society as a person without worth, knowing I had to change my circumstances. I have changed my name many times legally to be safe. I have moved 38 times in adulthood to be safe, 49 in my life. There are no roots, but inside me.
At 41, choosing to change my circumstances and yearning for healthy relationships; I divorced my husband, and took the opportunity to do an extensive therapy "once and for all" as a promise to myself. It was Now or Never for me. It would take 8 years to get through it, but I didn’t know that at the time.
The first 4 years, I spent between 5-15 hrs a day, 7 days a week, of deep diving therapy and quantum psychology, going through it again choosing different healthy responses; had flashbacks and night terrors, but learned to change my auto-responses; got rid of survival instincts, unlearning e v e r y t h i n g.
The next 4 years started with adjusting to a life without old tools, constantly being mindful of old vs new reactions, choosing carefully the responses to life and creating new and healthy habits. The last two years of those 4, I have adjusted to living a life without shame and guilt. Learning to take on life's "normal" struggles and n o t respond with old, trained reactions but consciously choosing better. I fail, and I still struggle with my worth and loving myself fully, but I'm healing and the times I fail to See myself, are few and far in between. I'm highly sensitive to the tone of voice still and I suspect I always will, but I no longer must run to be safe, I don't have to move to be okay. I have safely kept my current name for 12 years, allowing me to become who I want to be. I’m successful at work and I guess no one would ever believe any of this about me. My past isn’t visible to others unless you catch me in the dark. I have done extensive shadow work, and I don’t believe healing journeys ever get done, but emerging from doing what I have done is a pure love for life and people. A gratefulness for being alive. An ability to separate people from their actions to understand and accept other people’s choices. I have no religion, and I believe in no god, but I have a spiritual sense of love as an Inner Narrator.
I found this place after searching for a corner to share, because writing got me through it. Maybe I can help someone else with my story, my thoughts, my experiences; and learn to find worth within myself easier, as a result.
ღ
Skye
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