Ruminating Substance Use

[UnKnown-Self]

First I would like to say I do not think my use of substances are causing a problem in my life.

However, I also know that is what a person in denial would say if substances were causing a problem in their life.

I am also aware I am the only one who can decide if substances are causing a problem and the only one who can do anything about it.

It’s a bit comical when you have an Assembly in your head having a debate because there are times my head physically moves back and forth with the debate like watching a tennis match.

The old adage is if you have to ask then you probably have a problem.

I am at a point in my life I use medication as prescribed, well I might take less than prescribed.

I drink occasionally. Usually a nice Cabernet which I developed a taste for with H and I like my Gray Goose. I drink it as is on the rocks and lots of water as a chaser. I used to drink more than I do now since H and I would eat out a lot and we had wine with dinner. I started smoking weed after dropping it for ten years in hopes it would help with my sexual dysfunction problems. It didn’t but it did help with my anxiety and body aches. I have 5 mil Valium for occasional use and there are months I tell my pdoc I don’t need a refill. I might take one if thoughts are keeping me more awake than usual or when my anxiety really bad at work like the other day but I have only had to do that 2x since I started back.

My concern is because I have used to cope in the past. I am very aware of the difference. There is a very big difference in using to numb the emotional pain and escape and having a drink that goes good with food and adds relaxation and pleasure to the moment.

I do come from a family of addicts.

I feel I am taking my medication, drink and take hit now and then responsibly.

Yet parts of me worry.

 

[joeylittle]

My concern is because I have used to cope in the past. I am very aware of the difference. There is a very big difference in using to numb the emotional pain and escape and having a drink that goes good with food and adds relaxation and pleasure to the moment.

Yep, definitely.

So, are you using it to cope, do you think? Can you easily choose not to drink? I figured out I was drinking to cope when I was confronted with the reality that I was out of alcohol unexpectedly. I panicked. That's when I realized it was a problem.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Great question @joeylittle

This past weekend I wanted a bottle of wine. My funds are not what they were and the red wine I like is about $30.00 and Gray Goose is not easy on the wallet either. I didn't get anything but my eggs and milk (they sell alcohol in they little grocery stores here). I was okay with it, a little melancholy but I never considered using my bill money or getting something simply to get tipsy. Things I saw my sister do often enough, she would have thought me crazy to pay for one bottle when the same amount could by two boxes of wine LOL. I'm not snooty about it or anything I just really enjoy it and it gives a nice mellow buzz.
I grew up around it and think my vocabulary and some of my attitudes ... not attitude...sometimes it is obvious alcohol and drug abuse were part of my culture. Just like it is obvious I came from a rough culture. I'm usually okay with it, I know I'm often gritty and rough around the edges, I think it's part of my charm, usually. But when I know I'm being measured and found lacking because of it, that I don't like.

 

[joeylittle]

I was okay with it, a little melancholy but I never considered using my bill money or getting something simply to get tipsy.

That, to me, sounds good. If you stay tuned into the melancholy, notice if you linger on the thought of drinking in more than a momentary way, it's probably going to be a good little early clue that you are becoming dependent. Dependency hits before actual addiction, I believe - so, re-directing before reaching dependency should be effective. I think sometimes, people don't notice the dependency, and then before they know it, they are addicted.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

:( I binge eat to cope more than anything else.

 

[joeylittle]

Not 'liking' because I like it, liking because I understand.

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with what @joeylittle wrote, but would just like to add that addiction can really really sneak up on you. I think the best indicator is, as joeylittle mentioned, if you get upset when for some reason or other you can't buy more of the substance ... but at the same time, as you probably know, the mind has ways of playing tricks on you when it comes to dependency and addiction. People even in the beginning stages learn to rationalize their actions/decisions. In my case, when I hit this benchmark of getting frustrated if I couldn't buy alcohol, I'd just tell myself "you're just really stressed out." There was a tiny part of me that knew damn well this was a red flag, but that part of me was silenced by the dependency. Not saying this is happening to you (indeed, it sounds like you are fine without booze and have things under control), but it is good to be aware of how it happens. Before I ever had a substance abuse problem of my own, I was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic and addict. And I remember always thinking "How can he not see what he's doing?" I thought it must've been so obvious to him. But when I later developed my own problem I realized that you just cease to see things clearly; you're in a fog. If your routine starts getting screwed up and you start altering the way you live your life, then you've definitely got a problem. But the way you describe things now, it just sounds like you're sensitive to the slippery slope of dependency/addiction, which is a good thing.

 

[The Albatross]

I think that being aware of the propensity for addiction is a safety/wellbeing issue. Can you reframe the "parts of you worrying" to something like "parts of me are aware of the risk of addiction and watching my back... helping me to be cautious"? Does anything change if you pause to consider that the awareness is there to keep you safe, healthy and well?