Justmehere
Sponsor
I moved this weekend and I had an angry outburst with a new neighbor who had towed my car three times to a different parking spot, 3 different parking spots. I had spent the previous week dealing with massive triggers and serious physical illness. Even the landlady was later furious with the neighbor who towed my car repeatedly... The landlord is making him pay the tow bills and possibly to repair damage to the car for towing it so much and property inside the car that walked off in the middle of all of this... The tow company may also be held responsible.
But all of this is besides the point.
I had already dealt with flashbacks of an assault that happened during a previous move and a lot of nightmares about that. I was exhausted. None of them owned the car nor the property and it was all wrong and I had nothing left to handle this. I "introduced" myself to the neighbor by screaming at him to leave me and my car alone. Screamed.
I have been working on anger in therapy and I failed. Miserably. I have never ever screamed at a stranger in my life. I felt so much fear and rage and I dumped all of it on this person I had never met who had no idea I was the new tenant and the owner of the car. Not that t made any difference... After I yelled, I left the property entirely and later came back to find the car had been towed again per his request.
But I had yelled at him.
I went to therapy the next day and told my therapist what I had done.
Of course she did not condone my behavior, but she encouraged me to have compassion for myself. She also said I needed to continue working on letting myself feel the pain of being a "victim" more. Instead of feeling that pain, I tend to get furious and pick a verbal fight with the world, so it fits my battle. She also wanted me to think of how I would handle an angry teenager (I do volunteer work with teenagers in foster care) and to try to talk to myself with the same compassion. My T describes it as my inner feisty teenager, my warrior side. Its the side of me I want to be rid of. Its a side of me my T wants me to handle with compassion and respect. She also said that over time, through processing trauma, it is like she and I will drain the swamp of all its alligators. I didn't understand what she meant and figured I would ask her next time
That night, I wrote down things I say to the kids I work with when they are mad. I thought about the *possibility* of saying those things to myself.
While I was doing this, a different triggering situation came up. It had to do with doctors and insurance, and normally it would have taken a lot for me to react with kindness and reasonableness to the situation. But this time, I automatically responded graciously and the situation was resolved well.
I was stunned and sad when I realized how easy it was. This was all I had to do? Be nice to myself and the anger would be less? In that situation, it was all I needed to do to respond without rage.
I had a dream about the T that night. In my dream, she was telling me I need to be more "resourced" (i.e. I need to be coping better, working on coping skills, less dysregulated) before we can go back to trauma work, and I was arguing it is impossible, there is no hope. In my dream (nightmare?) I was hysterically upset. I kept telling her that this was a scam, that I put my hope and money in nothing, stupid therapy that it is useless. I ran out sobbing... In the next dream, I was massively suicidal in the dream, and surrounded by alligators.
I woke up in tears and shaking. I have been deeply sad the past two days (but not suicidal). I called the T anyhow and asked for another appointment this week, and she scheduled one. She didn't even ask why - I generally ask for way less help than she seems willing to do. Its all confusing. Now, I want to cancel. I think it is the push/pull of my broken attachment style... I am so confused. What do I do? This all feels so CRAZY to me. I keep thinking this is stupid, just let this pass. I have done therapy before, but this is the first time I have worked with a trauma therapist with anything more than just building more healthy coping skills. I have never had any dreams about therapy. Any advice or thoughts is very welcome.
But all of this is besides the point.
I had already dealt with flashbacks of an assault that happened during a previous move and a lot of nightmares about that. I was exhausted. None of them owned the car nor the property and it was all wrong and I had nothing left to handle this. I "introduced" myself to the neighbor by screaming at him to leave me and my car alone. Screamed.
I have been working on anger in therapy and I failed. Miserably. I have never ever screamed at a stranger in my life. I felt so much fear and rage and I dumped all of it on this person I had never met who had no idea I was the new tenant and the owner of the car. Not that t made any difference... After I yelled, I left the property entirely and later came back to find the car had been towed again per his request.
But I had yelled at him.
I went to therapy the next day and told my therapist what I had done.
Of course she did not condone my behavior, but she encouraged me to have compassion for myself. She also said I needed to continue working on letting myself feel the pain of being a "victim" more. Instead of feeling that pain, I tend to get furious and pick a verbal fight with the world, so it fits my battle. She also wanted me to think of how I would handle an angry teenager (I do volunteer work with teenagers in foster care) and to try to talk to myself with the same compassion. My T describes it as my inner feisty teenager, my warrior side. Its the side of me I want to be rid of. Its a side of me my T wants me to handle with compassion and respect. She also said that over time, through processing trauma, it is like she and I will drain the swamp of all its alligators. I didn't understand what she meant and figured I would ask her next time
That night, I wrote down things I say to the kids I work with when they are mad. I thought about the *possibility* of saying those things to myself.
While I was doing this, a different triggering situation came up. It had to do with doctors and insurance, and normally it would have taken a lot for me to react with kindness and reasonableness to the situation. But this time, I automatically responded graciously and the situation was resolved well.
I was stunned and sad when I realized how easy it was. This was all I had to do? Be nice to myself and the anger would be less? In that situation, it was all I needed to do to respond without rage.
I had a dream about the T that night. In my dream, she was telling me I need to be more "resourced" (i.e. I need to be coping better, working on coping skills, less dysregulated) before we can go back to trauma work, and I was arguing it is impossible, there is no hope. In my dream (nightmare?) I was hysterically upset. I kept telling her that this was a scam, that I put my hope and money in nothing, stupid therapy that it is useless. I ran out sobbing... In the next dream, I was massively suicidal in the dream, and surrounded by alligators.
I woke up in tears and shaking. I have been deeply sad the past two days (but not suicidal). I called the T anyhow and asked for another appointment this week, and she scheduled one. She didn't even ask why - I generally ask for way less help than she seems willing to do. Its all confusing. Now, I want to cancel. I think it is the push/pull of my broken attachment style... I am so confused. What do I do? This all feels so CRAZY to me. I keep thinking this is stupid, just let this pass. I have done therapy before, but this is the first time I have worked with a trauma therapist with anything more than just building more healthy coping skills. I have never had any dreams about therapy. Any advice or thoughts is very welcome.
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