Hi forwardmotion,
Thanks for sharing your dream and interpretation. I'm glad that your discussion with your therapist went well, and that this helped you understand your dream. I think that our dreams themselves seem to have a lot in common, but I think the underlying meaning of these might be different since it sounds like you've managed to work things out with your therapist.
I've realized that the main problem I had with my first and third therapists was that they were always trying to push me-- to talk, to open up, to say how I felt, to do EMDR, to cut off ties with my family, etc.. Although I'm high functioning (excellent job & relationships, no addictions or medications, good life decisions overall), they assumed I was ruining my own life and that I had to be forced to change. A huge part of my abuse was that I never had any privacy, and was always forced to look after my mom and coerced into being sexually abused. For me, being forced or coerced into doing anything makes me panic. Having to go along with a forceful therapeutic approach, for me, reminds me of being abused. I've read posts elsewhere on this site underlining that some patients may sometimes need to be pushed. I agree with his statement there and elsewhere, and I think that for some people, it can be reassuring and helpful to feel a bit of pressure, and can speed up the process. I completely understand how this could be helpful. In my opinion, it is the same reason people hire personal trainers-- for some, feeling some pressure from someone makes them feel as if they can accomplish their goal, that someone believes in them, and that a different way ahead is best. I think that this is a more normal way of reacting to pressure, and I don't think it's either better or worse than how I react.
The second and fourth therapists I've seen have had a different approach (humanist? Rogerian? feminist? I don't know the right term) that I find has been more helpful for me. For me, having someone who respects my space, never forces me to talk about anything specific, encourages me to take my time & breathe, believes in me, and has a deep respect for the fact that I'm doing my best every day, etc. gives me the mental space that I always longed for growing up and never had. I feel respected and cared for, and I feel free to be myself and open up. I actually enjoy going to therapy, and plan ahead of time which aspects of my abuse I want to talk about. I can access my feelings much more, and dissociate much less when I feel safe and respected. I find I'm more open to hearing an interpretation if I feel free to disagree with it, and find it easier to discuss my past when I don't have a barrage of questions.
I'm currently pursuing creative therapy. I understand that this isn't the recommended therapy for PTSD. It doesn't have a fancy acronym or special flashing lights, and there a highly scripted protocol or any specific eye movements. My PTSD came on from an early age, and many of my memories are non-verbal, so it is beyond wonderful to have a space where I can express these memories. The relief I feel is unimaginably good.
The way I see it, the memories and their consequences (PTSD) are a part of me. They aren't a problem to be solved, or something I need to be forced into. My brain, body and my soul have an inherent capacity to heal, and healing can only happen in a safe space with a person who nurtures my ability to heal. I am the only person who can face my own trauma and decide the best direction forward.
I don't mean by this post to imply that EMDR is forceful, or that nightmares mean that creative therapy is the only option, or that a humanist approach is for everyone, or anything else. Just, these are my thoughts and impressions based on the experiences I've gone through and what I've learned. I think everyone has to carve their own unique path to heal from PTSD since the trauma that caused it is unique to every situation, and I think I've found what works best for me right now. The nightmares helped me figure out what wasn't working.
