Scares of healing

[Sargonnas]

It has been nearly twenty years from when I last did any self harm but over the past two weeks it has become a real challenge. Over the weekend I stood looking at the butchers knives for what seamed hours, remembering the relief the pain gave me.
Sure it does fix the issues I need to deal with but the release of energy is what I needed. And so when the family went out for lunch I made up that I wasn't feeling well, knowing what I was going to do once they were gone.
Shortly after they left I picked up the knife and ran it over my skin. The release was instant, the flow of blood was satisfying to say the least. But it was when I turned the knife ready to plunge it through ribs. And at that point my son called to see if I was ok cause I had been acting strange that morning. I dropped the knife to the floor and fell to my knees crying. His phone call had saved my life. But the erg is still there and sometimes feels uncontrollable.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I am so sorry you feel this way. Thank goodness for that intervention at the right time...I don't feel like those things happen by accident, it was a real miracle. Do you have a close friend whom you can trust and can call in those times. I have a friend that sometimes I text and just tell her to please pray for me and she knows exactly what that means. Sometimes people don't always know the right words to say but, just having one person who can listen can really help lessen the urge. It definitely helps me.

 

[Sargonnas]

I am from a country called New Zealand and have moved to Australia eight years ago. I have friends but none that will understand what it is to self harm. Most people I talk to about it in passing conversations just say "then don't do it" but they don't realize why I do it. I think only those that self harm can understand, the rest just think I'm bonkers lol

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm sorry you hurt so badly. I've not cut before, as I can't handle the sight of blood, but I feel super strong urges for the need to release some massive and heavy energy quite often.

What other ways and outlets can you utilize and easily access to release your energy? Are you familiar with diaphragmatic breathing or alternate nostril breathing?

Maybe scream into a pillow, run in place, do jumping jacks, dance like you've lost your damn mind to some favorite music, get a punching bag and beat the hell out of it (or a pillow), and/or if you can get outside, try to connect with other living things in nature and take a long walk or run if you can.

A mini-trampoline and a hula hoop are two of my favorite energy releasing tools. Then I like to clear the energies of all of my spaces with sage sticks and smudging. The ritual itself is very calming and the smell of the burning sage is soothing to my senses.

Reach out to a loved one or even a total stranger in some small way. You don't have to spill your guts about how you feel and that you cut if that's not comfortable to you, or them, just make a connection in a common area of interest.

Some powerful healing can be found in the damnedest places simply by allowing ourselves a chance to distract our minds. Therein lies the challenge. The mind is by far the scariest place in my world. I try not to hang out there anymore than necessary. Hugs from my heart to yours.

 

[Sargonnas]

That is such a nice thing to say Tornadic, at this moment hugs is what I need. You see it is nearly 1am in the morning and I can not sleep. I haven't had a decent sleep in weeks. I run everyday with my dogs and workout most nights but it's not the same energy being release. I suffer from PTSD and OCD which means even when I do get sleep my mind is racing and I often wake in a fright. I go for runs at 2 in the morning cause I enjoy the peacefulness but at the same time my mind is racing. I have been subscribed medical drugs to help but find that they only make me nervous and so I run. I try to stay away from physical sport such as boxing as I enjoy pain to much. But truly thank you for the hug