Secondary Wounding - Blaming Mental Health or Personality

[strawberryburns]

I've encountered this a lot too. The one place I have ever felt in my life that I was around people who understood was when I lived in a DV shelter for 6 months. Now thankfully I'm finding that here as well.

My own mother has even had the nerve to say to me "I don't know where your anger comes from?" This coming from the mouth of a woman who is still married to one of my worst abusers. I also recently sought help at work. I had heard they had counselors in the nurses office and I went in to see what services they offered. I was seen by a nurse who said she had also been a psychiatric nurse at one point in her career. When I tried to explain to her that I had a lot of serious issues and that I was seeking regular counseling because I know it is something that will take me years to wade through if ever at all. She said "Well with an attitude like that of course it will. Who told you it would take you years? That's just silly! You can make it take as short a time as you want! You just don't have the right attitude!" I was totally shocked at what she was saying. I instantly knew this woman had no idea what she was talking about.

I think this thread is also a good place to mention that abusers commonly try to make other's think you are crazy and that your mental health is the real problem, when actually it is you simply reacting to their abusive behavior. It takes the focus off of their actions.

 

[upstream]

I think this thread is also a good place to mention that abusers commonly try to make other's think you are crazy and that your mental health is the real problem, when actually it is you simply reacting to their abusive behavior. It takes the focus off of their actions.

What upsets me is when I see an abuser torment someone, then complain about how they squirm. I just don't get it.

 

[monkee]

Right now I am dealing with my family doing this. There is a lot of denial about what has happened in the past, and anything that is admitted to is downplayed as though it does not matter. I am also being isolated from my family. I think that I may have bought into the line that I have "exaggerated" this in my head, or it was not as bad as I think it was, or that it was so long ago so get over it... except my 18 year old son who knows and loves everyone involved can see what is happening. He is like my logic right now, my objective world view that the way things that are happening is not all in my head.

When I feel alone or I question my own sanity I think about him. I am very lucky to have him in my life. I love him dearly.

 

[Cindy]

I agree with everything stated. But here is another point to be made.

I recieved a lot of secondary wounding from my siblings, mother, and daughter. I realized one day for my siblings and mother to admit my PTSD exists and the abuse happened they would have to accept part of the responsibility for the abuse by not seeing it and stopping it.

I think their secondary wounding in part is their denial that they had any part in the process of the abuse. For them it becomes self preservation of their ego's. Their intent is selfish and self serving, not to help me (what else is new).

I have long ago cut them out of the loop about my PTSD and how I handle it because of their refusal to accept it's existence and try to understand it. If a person does not try to educate themselves to help you then why keep hitting yourself over the head with their condescending remarks that are so hurtful. Your either with me or against me.

This has affected these relationships but not destroyed them. I just expect much less of family, it's sad. I never really felt part of them anyway.

 

[becvan]

Cindy:

My family is the exact same. If they admit that I have PTSD then they have to admit that they were abusive and take responsibility. It's never going to happen.

Some members I have severed all ties with, others it's a strained relationship.

I think my hardest struggle with all this was realizing the only validation of the abuse that I would ever get is from myself.. and my therapist. After being blamed for years and years.. it's hard to shut that voice off and validate oneself...

bec

 

[estrella_del_mar]

The principal causes of mindlessness are systematic lies and discounts which are characteristic of oppressive environments. We are all familiar with lies; a discount occurs when someone denies the validity of our experiences often by way of a lie. Systematic discounts and lies when we are alone, afraid, hungry or sick—in short, powerless--can combine to interfere with our thinking functions and can, if severe enough, lead to total mental breakdown.

this is the point.
you have to be strong.
think that mi parents (my jailers) use to tell around that i am crazy and they put in my old room the packets of my mother's psycho drugs, so they can prove people what they're saying; they tell that i am a prostitute, a drug addict and that i sell drugs..
whan i was a girl, they used to tell around that i was very fragile, they used to invent stories about me and to tell them to my teachers, for example, so that my taechers would not belive me if i would have told them what was happening at home...
they act like good persons, they know latin, they are acculturated persons... they help many people..
and they continue to say to me that i am inventing everything, to make me feel crazy, to confund me..
but i am a very logic and rational person, and this is what saved me from crazyness.. but not from a mental collapse. unfortunatly.

about the other people....this is very strange. i can't belive people is so insensitive!
the worst that appened to me was that my man or my friends used to say to me " go beyond that, don't think about the past..", but said with love, and when they had been able to understand better the situation, they haven't said it any more.
go away from all the insensitive ang egoist people!
look for warm, sensitive and joyful people, and enjoy the life the more you can!
i agree with becvan (again :wink:):

I think my hardest struggle with all this was realizing the only validation of the abuse that I would ever get is from myself.. and my therapist. After being blamed for years and years.. it's hard to shut that voice off and validate oneself...

the life is yours, don't let them steal it from you more than than they have already done!!
go, upstream, go!
kisses...

 

[Trent]

Self blame

Its one thing if others blame you for what happened, but what if you blame yourself? Things could have been different if I had acted differently.

 

[Cindy]

I agree that the true validation comes from within. But if you don't recognize it as abuse, do you ever get validation - no. I also have gotten my biggest support from my therapist. But when I was in the 'swamp' fighting the alligators (trauma digging) I sometimes wondered if he was being nice, trying to calm me, or saying it for some other reason. It also made me feel profoundly lonely. To only be able to share it with someone I paid to listen. It just felt so pretentious at times.

It is so hard for me to accept affirmations, acceptance, compliments, etc....
When someone does recognize me positively I don't know what to do with it. But at the same time when I do get reassurances I feel bathed in warmth. What a contradiction.

I searched for a support group for years - none existed except for the VA - which I am not. I stumbled onto this forum during a excessive bad time which almost put me in the hospital again (actually I should have) but I hung in there. I just didn't want the disruption in my life and work to add to the smothering issues.

The forum gave me the validation and support I needed simply by reading that others responded similarly to situations. It just gave me the message over and over that I was doing the best I could under the circumstances. It was tough but because of my therapist and the forum I came through. I still feel I'm in pieces but atleast the edges are getting duller rather than sharp.

I admire the forum members who have relationships and a significant other to atleast be there at their side. Someday maybe I'll cross that boundary.

 

[raging bull]

Hi, I am new to this, rape beatings, 5years in a peodo ring, half the family saying "Oh it`s his medication making him think that" and "Just forget it, it was a long time ago" Boy that hurts, like being betrayed all over again!

But lets draw strength from each other we are survivors, they will NOT beat me, I will be the best I can and show these scum, maggots, because that is what they are, that we are stronger than them and infinitly better, NEVER give up!! Thanks everyone for your help.