Seems Like A Fine Line To Support And Ignore

[Joyfullyhappy]

A childhood friend and I who both are recently single and had never looked at one another romantically got involved. While we only saw each other for a few months.... we saw each other daily and felt a huge connection...he is a very genuine person who I have never in 30plus years seen do anything malicious or mean.

After a great weekend getaway he told me he wasn't ready for the feelings he was feeling... he was doing this because he cared so much and he just needed time and space...in short...he cared too much too fast and simply was not ready. All this coincidentally came about just as his child is preparing to be deployed to Iraq and just as we were getting much closer....he is also dealing with divorce, financial stress, normal life stress, and the PTSD physical and emotional stuff....and this is what I know of from a man who admittedly does not communicate well and knows he tends to shut out others and cope solo.

He did tell me I am the only person he has ever opened up to about anything to do with his experiences that led to PTSD but despite everything I was just hurt, confused, and determined and simply did not give him space at first. I still struggle to do this daily because he is first and foremost my friend and I worry about him...however...I also care and just want to make it better....in return...I keep making it worse....I came here and come daily to read until I feel overwhelmed myself so that I can best support my friend...then I feel the need to apologize because I have made so many mistakes in dealing with this.....I begged for answers I now know he never had....asked if it was PTSD...don't think he knows that for sure either as I am first person he has done this with....sent apology texts,,,,showed up at his house once like a dummy....called when I needed my friend for whatever reason....I have also given space but I just do not know what to do.

I would feel horrible if I could have done something different and end up losing both a friend and a man I see so much potential for happiness with despite PTSD and what comes with it...I feel like I should do something but in my head..I know is will only make it worse so here I type....well...after completely coincidentally running in to him yesterday and seeing him cringe at the sight of me and only being capable of a grunt rather than a hello. I did speak in passing and buy what I went to store for and leave only to text an apology because I felt bad...but it was not intentional. I didn't look to see if he was there...I can't live like that..,that's crazy...at any rate.

How do I let him know I am here and still give him space...how do I know if it is okay to text or call or what..I. Mean...how often, not at all, etc.

I have read sufferers posts about how it is nice to know the person cares and is there or how it takes someone who won't let them. Just walk away AND how space means space and not respecting this makes things worse and not repairable....so very confusing.

What do I do....apologize as I learn my mistakes. Let it go and see if my friend finds his way back to being my friend.....a little contact and a lot of space....what what what....ugh. :((


Thanks in advance for any thought opinions help. Whatever.

 

[Justmehere]

Ask him if he is ok with texts or calls and how much. Ask him how much space he would like and for how long - ask him to tell you when he is ready to interact or how long he will need space. He is really the only one who can say.

 

[Joyfullyhappy]

I am afraid to do anything at all after yesterday...he could not even get a hello out...it was a pained grunt....I can't even describe it. I know I did nothing to him except not give enough space at first so now I am scared to contact and scared not to....

 

[Bim]

Have the courage - again - to do the first move. If you don't ask, the answer will always be NO. And just be prepared for anything. Open your mind to all possibilities too. Yes, it's very confusing. But then we have to understand that it's harder for them than it is for us.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know...bombarding a sufferer with all of these questions could be overwhelming, especially considering that at any given time, the answer could change. I mean, when we're doing well, its OK for others to check in, but when we're not doing so well, ANY sort of "check-in" could be seen as an intrusion. I'm more in the "let him know you're here for him and that he can contact you at any time, and let that be that" camp. Otherwise you may end up chasing and he will keep on running.

 

[Joyfullyhappy]

So do you all think once a week. Once a month. How often is not too often to just say thinking about you..here if you need Anything in a text or fb message...

 

[digger]

How do I let him know I am here and still give him space...how do I know if it is okay to text or call or what..I. Mean...how often, not at all, etc

You need to have this conversation with him really, as you can see from replies here, different people feel differently about these things. There isn't one rule I don't think.

Maybe just send a short email saying what you've said here - that you'd like to be able to support him but respect that he needs space. Ask him what is okay for him in terms of contact just now and when he's in a better place, have a proper conversation with him about what is okay in future if/when this happens.

PTSD or not, relationships and friendships need to work two ways. It is okay for you to have needs too and needing to know where lines and boundaries are is important I think, including knowing that lines and boundaries might be changeable.

 

[Elizabite]

It's important to give him the same rights of self that anyone gets and NOT assume it's all about PTSD. I am sure it's a factor but he might not be ready for you under any circumstances. Respect his choice because if he comes back to you, you can know you won't have to take care of him. He knows how to do that for himself. That's a good thing.

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe an uninformed statement but if you were good friends for a long time, and it sounds like you are held up on what has happened recently, begging forgiviness and asking for answers for it, would it be possible to let that go and just try to get it back to neutral again? Can you not bring up the stresses that have occurred since you both got 'involved'? Maybe he misses the connection you once had where there was no pressure?