When I was in middle school, I was bullied by many students. They not only laughed at me, but bullied me physically. One time, some guys circled me and started pushing me and laughing. I'm a girl BTW but that didn't stop them from doing that. This isn't everything that happened, but a small part of it. However, there was only one student who lead them. He threw rocks at me, called me names, pushed me around, and made me feel threatened so many times. He laughed while doing it all.
The sad thing is that I felt so angry bc I was scared of him to the point I locked myself inside the house, and to my parents grief, I refused to go to school even though they tried hard.
Since I was very mad at him, I called him names just to make myself feel better. But even afterwards, he called me names, and made me feel ridiculous. To be honest, I didn't feel good afterwards, I even felt worst. I heard the terms 'get over it', 'it's in the past' so many times by so many people, and he even said it to me more than once.
After few years, I saw him again, and I started running away. My mom called my name so many times, but I only heard her calls later on. I was full on in panic mode; trembling, sweating, and had trouble breathing. Usually, I can't focus whenever he's around (I know I saw him other times but I always get into this haze when he's around), but that time I was stressed out since my grandpa recently died, and it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. I felt like I couldn't stand up anymore, and so weak. He didn't even leave, even after seeing me like that. I can't understand him, and I feel like he will always laugh at how crazy I am. Do you ever wonder how that person feel about you? Why they did that to you? Have you ever started blaming yourself for what happened?
Now, I feel so bad for myself after everything that happened. My trauma might seem very trivial to others who have been raped, but my trauma is still bad. There are some days that I wake up sweating and can't shake off the things they did to me. I feel so empty and sad, like maybe if I did something else, I wouldn't have been laughed at. I feel like I have to watch everyone incase someone started laughing at me. Just incase someone would hit me and I wouldn't see them coming. How should I shake this feeling off?
The sad thing is that I felt so angry bc I was scared of him to the point I locked myself inside the house, and to my parents grief, I refused to go to school even though they tried hard.
Since I was very mad at him, I called him names just to make myself feel better. But even afterwards, he called me names, and made me feel ridiculous. To be honest, I didn't feel good afterwards, I even felt worst. I heard the terms 'get over it', 'it's in the past' so many times by so many people, and he even said it to me more than once.
After few years, I saw him again, and I started running away. My mom called my name so many times, but I only heard her calls later on. I was full on in panic mode; trembling, sweating, and had trouble breathing. Usually, I can't focus whenever he's around (I know I saw him other times but I always get into this haze when he's around), but that time I was stressed out since my grandpa recently died, and it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. I felt like I couldn't stand up anymore, and so weak. He didn't even leave, even after seeing me like that. I can't understand him, and I feel like he will always laugh at how crazy I am. Do you ever wonder how that person feel about you? Why they did that to you? Have you ever started blaming yourself for what happened?
Now, I feel so bad for myself after everything that happened. My trauma might seem very trivial to others who have been raped, but my trauma is still bad. There are some days that I wake up sweating and can't shake off the things they did to me. I feel so empty and sad, like maybe if I did something else, I wouldn't have been laughed at. I feel like I have to watch everyone incase someone started laughing at me. Just incase someone would hit me and I wouldn't see them coming. How should I shake this feeling off?
