Self-esteem And A Broken Heart

[Tirnanog]

I know this has been touched on before by other members and I apologize if I am being redundant by posting this. But I have been feeling particularly low lately and I'm just tired of feeling this way. I don't even think/know that my current self-esteem issues are related to the sex abuse I experienced as a child as I don't even really ever think about that. I think I just have low self-esteem. I don't know why. I am in my 30's I am healthy, I have friends a good family and a good stable job. I have a lot going for me. I should be happy.

I have never been in a long term/serious relationship. Admitting that makes me feel like a complete loser. I have dated a couple of guys but it never seems to work out. I don't know why. I am not the clingy type. I'd like to think I have a lot to offer someone. I feel like I am a good person. I am currently having the hardest time getting over a guy I dated over the summer. Everything was going great and then he just stopped talking to me. We were not together long. But we would talk on the phone for hours at a time. (Mostly we talked about stuff he had been through, seen or done or we would talk about my teaching job.) I finally felt like it was going to happen for me. It seemed like he had fallen head over heels for me - he even talked about a future. He had his own issues (PTSD from 2 deployments - he said he was doing okay with it but that it still affected him from time to time) I could easily say that it was his PTSD and the job stress that he was dealing with that caused him to suddenly drop out of my life but that wouldn't be fair. It may have nothing to do with his PTSD. It could be anything. Honestly, I feel like it must have been something I did but I don't know what. I just think I wasn't good enough for him. I just feel crushed. Link Removed

 

[cherryblossom]

Unless you are going to talk to this guy again and find out why he dropped out of your life - there is really no point in dwelling on the why's. It's futile to keep dwelling on the past, and is causing you to question and doubt yourself, which is negative in itself. Not being in a long term or serious relationship doesn't make you a loser. If you're a loser because of this, then so am I, because I'm a 38 yr old single woman. Some might say, it actually shows we have great strength, because we have to deal with everything that is thrown at us, by ourselves. We don't have anyone who can pick up the pieces when something goes wrong in our lives. We don't have anyone else to help pay the bills, do the housework, cook the food, or fix the car. My feeling is that you should infact be proud of being a single, independant woman. Of course I'd love to have someone else around to lean on, and give me a hug at the end of the day. But currently I don't, but that doesn't make me a loser!

Self-esteem is about how much we value ourselves. How much we love and accept ourselves and how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one will like them or accept them or that they can't do well in anything. And of course there's the old saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you.
Have a read of the following webpage about Link Removed
Get out of the house, with your family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Have fun. Being with other people who love us and enjoy our company is a natural way to build your self-esteem and confidence. Focus on your achievements, not on any failures. Look at the things you are good at, and do more of these things. Or try something new. You might be a great artist, or dancer, or actress, or singer. Or you might not be great - but if you enjoy it, what the hell?! If there's things about you or your life that you're not happy with set yourself achievable goals that can change those things - and be proud when you achieve them.

 

[Tirnanog]

Thanks Cherryblossom. Your words really helped and I know that you're right. It is just a matter of convincing myself. I think I have just been really down on myself lately and I definitely need to focus on everything that I do have going for me and stop dwelling on things I can't change. I have battled with self-esteem issues my entire life and it is just hard sometimes. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It really means a lot to me. :D

 

[Nicolette]

I have never been in a long term/serious relationship. Admitting that makes me feel like a complete loser. I have dated a couple of guys but it never seems to work out. I don't know why. I am not the clingy type. I'd like to think I have a lot to offer someone. I feel like I am a good person.

Hello....are you also talking about me after my first marriage? I was the joke of all my friends for having "new boyfriends". I never went into any thinking it was only short term and I knew I had a lot to offer. I don't know why you end up like I did but I worked out the answer for me....I always sold myself short despite knowing I had a lot to offer. If I analyze myself - I kept dating replica's of my step father trying to heal my past.

It all turned around for me when I gave up wanting a boyfriend or even caring whether I had one or not. I was just determined not to settle for things like I have in the past.... like making excuses for poor behaviour or treatment from the onset because a man liked me rather than me deciding if he was right for me.

This is going to sound dramatic but it is true.... I had a boyfriend who had moved in with me (managed to get to that stage a couple of times) and we were talking about getting engaged even though part of me was miserable with some aspects of the relationship but I was focused on making it to the finish line (getting married) just to prove my friends wrong and stop the jokes (as they sometimes hurt).

This man, after me having a serious back operation, punched me in the face due to an argument surrounding him leaving me alone when I needed help and he had promised he would be there prior to me undergoing surgery as I needed post operative care at home. Infact I was left looking after his son while he went out for 30 minutes and came home 4 hours later.

While looking in the mirror, and seeing the blood pouring down my face, with him wanting me to lie to the kids, being so sorry yet not embarrassed to call his mum to look after the kids while I went and got stitches, I started thinking "what did I do to end up in this place?". I didn't question why they wouldn't take me to a hospital (I found out later a hospital has to report such incidents to the police) and I was forced to lie to the doctor. This man then slept in the same bed with me as if nothing was wrong while I lay there terrified.

My point - men are not worth it if they just the wrong match. Unless you date them you don't get to know them and it's only after time that they show their true colours. I wouldn't lower my self esteem just because you haven't met the right one for you.

Some friends used to tell me to stop looking for love and it would happen. I never understood that yet put a lot of my self worth into having more value if I was in a steady relationship. It finally clicked when, the first guy I dated after the one above, didn't treat me 'right' 6 weeks into the relationship and I just thought, to hell with this sh*t, enough and no more.... I told him I deserved better and ended the relationship. Then his brother rang me up and asked me out - I asked him how little regard did he have for his brother let alone me to do that. I also rang the guy up who I had been dating and told him. I then started knocking back dates as I figured I would rather do the ironing and be on top of things than waste my time on a date. My attitude changed and then whamo! I got to know Anthony two months later, through our sons, on a night I had knocked back a date for the ironing :insane::lmao:.

Believe you deserve the best, believe you don't have to have a man beside you to be a valuable person and believe you deserve to be loved. The rest will fall into place when you do this.

 

[Tirnanog]

Believe you deserve the best, believe you don't have to have a man beside you to be a valuable person and believe you deserve to be loved. The rest will fall into place when you do this

Thanks Nicolette =) Your words really mean a Iot and I know this is something I need to work on.
I know that I need to work on myself. I have talked to my counselor about all of this too and it has helped somewhat. It is just hard. I think my self-esteem issues are deeper than me just feeling like I need a man to feel "complete." Low self-esteem creeps into all areas of my life (i.e. personal life, work etc.) Some days I am able to ignore the little voice inside me that tries to convince me that I am not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, etc... and other times that voice is just too damn loud! lol! It is really up to me to do the work on myself. I know I need to work on loving myself first before I can really love anyone else. However, I feel as though this man I dated over the summer opened a door and showed me what could be and what I did deserve - the potential for a real relationship and then without warning the door just got slammed shut. He was the first guy who seemed genuinely interested in me and not just "hooking up." I really felt like with him I had finally found someone I could have a relationship with. It finally seemed like it was my time. So as pathetic as it sounds (as we were not dating for very long) I was truly crushed when he suddenly stopped talking to me. I think in part because he started off so intense. He would ask me questions like, "So how long do you think people should date before they get engaged?" He made statements that suggested that he really wanted a future with me. I didn't initiate any of this. It kind of scared me off initially. I mean he even asked me how many kids I wanted to have on our first date! So when he suddenly stopped talking to me it was like, "Whoa, what just happened?" I mean it would make sense if he took off because I had been the one moving at warp speed in the relationship but it wasn't me that made it so intense it was him. My therapist has told me that she thinks he scared himself off. That he does want all of the things he told me (marriage, kids, family etc.) but that he probably isn't ready. But I struggle with not being able to know why and I need to get over this because I may never know why. It could be related to his ptsd and and the fact that he was dealing with some stressful issues at the time we were dating, it could be that another girl came along, or maybe it was something about me. I'll never know and that sucks. But I know that I can't dwell on it. It is just hard not to! lol!

At any rate I know I have to work on liking myself and feeling proud of everything I do have going for me. This guy is just part of what has me feeling down lately but I had low self-esteem before him so I can't blame my low self-esteem solely on not having a man. I just need to like myself and believe in myself more (easier said than done though!)
But like Cherryblossom said in her post,

Some might say, it actually shows we have great strength, because we have to deal with everything that is thrown at us, by ourselves. We don't have anyone who can pick up the pieces when something goes wrong in our lives. We don't have anyone else to help pay the bills, do the housework, cook the food, or fix the car. My feeling is that you should in fact be proud of being a single, independent woman.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and for sharing your own story with me. You are truly a strong woman and I am glad that you and Anthony have found each other. You seem like a great pair!

 

[Tirnanog]

I have never been in a long term/serious relationship. Admitting that makes me feel like a complete loser.

I have been thinking about this statement and it has been bugging me. (I tend to over think things and worry endlessly about trivial things) - I just want to clarify- I do not mean to imply that anyone who isn't in a long term or serious relationship is a "loser." I was just coming from a negative place thinking about my own situation. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

 

[cherryblossom]

Don't worry, I don't think you offended anyone. I certainly wasn't offended Link Removed

I didn't think you were suggesting others were losers. I just wanted to point out that your own negative feelings towards yourself were unfounded. I hope you've had some chance to consider all the positive things in your life Link Removed

 

[alixipain]

Self-esteem is about how much we value ourselves. How much we love and accept ourselves and how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one will like them or accept them or that they can't do well in anything. And of course there's the old saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you.
Have a read of the following webpage about Link Removed
Get out of the house, with your family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Have fun. Being with other people who love us and enjoy our company is a natural way to build your self-esteem and confidence. Focus on your achievements, not on any failures. Look at the things you are good at, and do more of these things. Or try something new. You might be a great artist, or dancer, or actress, or singer. Or you might not be great - but if you enjoy it, what the hell?! If there's things about you or your life that you're not happy with set yourself achievable goals that can change those things - and be proud when you achieve them.

The thing about this what do you do when your with the one you love and they do everything in the world to chuck you under the bus?????

Self-esteem went out the door years ago with me, I'm always afraid of lossing my job, fearful of starting a new one once I find one even if it doesn't provide an opptunity to advance. My currant relationship is 4 years long, and its ending already, have been told repeatedly that shes moving on that she has to find someone that will be there for her!

It erks me knowing I'm the one that repaired her washer dryer for free, repaired her car, repaired hers/ her daughters/ her ex-b/f's/ and her friends vacuum cleaners, repaired her friends plumbing problems at her request, and countless other things and get no pat on the back or a esteem booster. Feel used! Is an understatement. and yes you read right she still visits and takes care of her ex-b/f, she makes certain that I feel like a third wheel a lot!

 

[cherryblossom]

The thing about this what do you do when your with the one you love and they do everything in the world to chuck you under the bus?????

My personal opinion on relationships, is if it's not working and can't be saved then walk away.

If you feel used, you have to tell her, and either she changes and appreciates you more, or you decide that the way she treats you is ok and accept it. Or some sort of compromise? Your life, your relationship, your choice.

Self-esteem went out the door years ago with me,

It's never too late to change, but you have to want to.

I'm always afraid of lossing my job, fearful of starting a new one once I find one even if it doesn't provide an opptunity to advance.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway?

I'm not being abrupt btw, I just don't have much time to reply fully, but just wanted to give you my initial few thoughts