OakTree123
Learning
Hi there,
I'm not exactly sure where this post would fit but I thought perhaps under "relationships" since it's about your relationship to yourself.
I am 21 years old and have recently begun coming to terms with the fact that I was abused throughout my childhood. This was a very startling realization to me because I had been in denial for sooooo long and I had repressed so many feelings and memories that I had convinced myself that none of it had happened. Now that I'm accepting it and remembering new things that happened, I feel so confused. I feel like the abuse is part of me because I can see how the abuse makes me behave. I feel like the effects of abuse are ingrained in me.
However, this is very confusing because I feel like I didn't even know I was abused until this past year. Like I knew that my home life could be unhealthy and it could make me feel bad, but I didn't realize that the experiences I went through were abuse, that they were so abnormal that they would had life-long impacts on me. Now, when I look back at my childhood, I feel like I don't even recognize myself or my life. I feel like I have been in like a coma my whole life and I just woke up to have someone tell me that I had a life before this that I know nothing about...but at the same time, that whole life has shaped every part of me. I simultaneously know nothing about my childhood and I feel like it has shaped my entire personality.
I feel like I can't connect to anyone in my life because now I have this huge past weighing on my shoulders but I only just found out about it. Friends I have had for years and years know my abuser and had no idea this was going on. It makes me feel so confused, like how could this have been happening for 18 years and no one know? I know that my mother hid it well and that I hid it too because I was unable to even recognize what was happening, let alone tell someone about it...but still, how does this happen? I feel like I'm in shock at my own past and it's so confusing because I was literally living through it! I feel like I have no identity now. I have absolutely no idea who I am. It feels like there is no context for my life anymore.
Have other people experienced similar feelings? Even if it wasn't as a result from abuse in particular?
I'm not exactly sure where this post would fit but I thought perhaps under "relationships" since it's about your relationship to yourself.
I am 21 years old and have recently begun coming to terms with the fact that I was abused throughout my childhood. This was a very startling realization to me because I had been in denial for sooooo long and I had repressed so many feelings and memories that I had convinced myself that none of it had happened. Now that I'm accepting it and remembering new things that happened, I feel so confused. I feel like the abuse is part of me because I can see how the abuse makes me behave. I feel like the effects of abuse are ingrained in me.
However, this is very confusing because I feel like I didn't even know I was abused until this past year. Like I knew that my home life could be unhealthy and it could make me feel bad, but I didn't realize that the experiences I went through were abuse, that they were so abnormal that they would had life-long impacts on me. Now, when I look back at my childhood, I feel like I don't even recognize myself or my life. I feel like I have been in like a coma my whole life and I just woke up to have someone tell me that I had a life before this that I know nothing about...but at the same time, that whole life has shaped every part of me. I simultaneously know nothing about my childhood and I feel like it has shaped my entire personality.
I feel like I can't connect to anyone in my life because now I have this huge past weighing on my shoulders but I only just found out about it. Friends I have had for years and years know my abuser and had no idea this was going on. It makes me feel so confused, like how could this have been happening for 18 years and no one know? I know that my mother hid it well and that I hid it too because I was unable to even recognize what was happening, let alone tell someone about it...but still, how does this happen? I feel like I'm in shock at my own past and it's so confusing because I was literally living through it! I feel like I have no identity now. I have absolutely no idea who I am. It feels like there is no context for my life anymore.
Have other people experienced similar feelings? Even if it wasn't as a result from abuse in particular?