Selfish? Be Honest...

[GreenJeans]

Someone close to me lost a child. Very traumatic I'm sure. This person refuses to seek therapy. They have PTSD but refuse to acknowledge they do. They lash out at everyone around them for not being supportive. The truth is, I have my own issues, flashbacks, and reliving to deal with. The last thing I need to hear is the gross details of this child's unfortunate death.

When this person begins to tell the story, and they always tell the story, they segue through any random topic to get to the story. Ok, but I've not only heard the story, I was there and I held this dead child. The only way I got through it was by disconnecting and still not healed from my own trauma. So, when I am with this person (and that is often) and different groups of people, I tune out when they tell the story. Other people tune out. We have heard it more that we care to and quite honestly, it is not healthy for us to re-experience this trauma 5-7 days a week. People hearing it for the first time are stuck. They don't know how to tell this person that it is too graphic to hear.

I have now been accused of being selfish. When I politely explained that it's doing me mental and emotional harm, I was verbally attacked and what's worse, called out on a blog for all to see. My therapist feels I should set boundaries and keep the toxic people at bay. That is what I intend to do.

 

[Shellbell]

I think it's good advice to stay away from toxic people who are causing harm to your own healing. It's very hard, but sometimes it needs to be done. I don't think it's selfish at all.

As for the person who lost their child, they need therapy, but you can't make them. People have to want to get better and want treatment to be able to heal. For some people this takes a long time to acknowledge and to then seek help. Some people who are actually receiving therapy aren't ready for it, and they feel like everyone is not listening to them. Hopefully this person will be ready to seek treatment in the future.

But, if this person is making your own journey harder, then it is okay to set boundaries and keep them at bay.

 

[goingonhope]

When I politely explained that it's doing me mental and emotional harm,

Hi GreenJeans, .....Had you expected her to read your mind then I'd say that's fearfulness, selfishness and/or dishonesty with oneself, however since you did the above, hell no, IMO I don't see this as selfish whatsoever.

I understand it as self-preservation, honest communication and boundary setting.

Problems often arise when someone (expecting or insisting upon what they want - selfishness) has just had a boundary set before them and they do not want to accept such. Or, perhaps a thrid party simply expects things ought to go or continue his or her preferred way.

Irrational thoughts, words or actions that would suggest that you either refrain from setting your boundary or else you're guilty of being selfish, IMO, is not only irrational (lol), but in that moment is trying to be manipulative as well.

My best, take care and hope this conflict improves for the better.

 

[GreenJeans]

Thanks for the replies. If I was selfish, I would certainly own it but needed to bounce it off of you all. ShellBell, you are so right. I gave up the polite suggestion of therapy for this person long ago.

Hope, self-preservation is the best way I have heard it described. As I said to this person, they absolutely have the right to talk about it but cannot force it upon anyone. People have the right not to listen.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, I think that maybe there is some projection going on there.

For one thing, this woman is imposing all this on you and others without stopping to think how it may be affecting you...for her own relief. That is the definition of selfish. Blackmailing you emotionally isn't fair, but I'm sure she is in a pretty bad place right now to be doing that in the first place.

It is sad that she lost her child, and I'm sure you all are doing what you can to make things better for her, and I'm sure she is so distraught that she isn't thinking clearly herself, as to how her talking about it all the time is affecting you...so there's no blame here, but I think you need to take care of yourself here.

She obviously isn't ready to deal with her trauma in any real way other than re-traumatizing herself and everyone else.