If you have recently been on the receiving end of a loved one's PTSD-related outburst because their stress cup had no more room in it, please know that your feelings are real and valid and are probably a normal reaction to what happened. Here is something I told myself today, after a long-needed conversation with my friend/partner ended on a very painful and unexpected note:
First, I validated my emotions. And then I told myself, "This is a moment of suffering. We misunderstand each other, we're on "different pages," we're on the receiving end of someone's frustration, and that can hurt a lot. It happens to all of us - everyone has been on the receiving end of anger at some point in their life, and we have all had the experience of getting angry ourselves, too. And it's not fun. Feeling hurt and other suffering is part of the human experience, and you are not alone.
I am not alone in feeling emotional pain today. Lots of other people are feeling emotional pain right now too, including relational pain. I am not alone in feeling misunderstood or confused. Reactions that come from PTSD are not frequently fair, empathetic, or understanding, and it is normal to crave an apology when somebody hurts me or even to just want to have the opportunity to come to an understanding together.
Allow yourself to feel the emotion in your body. Allow yourself to feel the sensations, soften them, soothe them, notice how they change, and let them move through. Let go of the narrative around what happened. The feelings that feel so difficult and painful now will not last forever. All feelings come and go. I am loved and I am worthy of kindness and compassion. My experience and needs are valid. And my loved one probably is frustrated with themselves too."
This will not necessarily be what everybody needs to hear, but if you find it helpful, feel free to try it. It's based on Kristin Neff's self-compassion meditations. Noticing that you are experiencing a moment of suffering, realizing that suffering is part of the human experience, connecting your experience with the suffering of others, offering compassion and letting yourself feel the emotions to let them pass (rather than trying to "think" your emotions away). It can really help to stop the emotional spiral.
First, I validated my emotions. And then I told myself, "This is a moment of suffering. We misunderstand each other, we're on "different pages," we're on the receiving end of someone's frustration, and that can hurt a lot. It happens to all of us - everyone has been on the receiving end of anger at some point in their life, and we have all had the experience of getting angry ourselves, too. And it's not fun. Feeling hurt and other suffering is part of the human experience, and you are not alone.
I am not alone in feeling emotional pain today. Lots of other people are feeling emotional pain right now too, including relational pain. I am not alone in feeling misunderstood or confused. Reactions that come from PTSD are not frequently fair, empathetic, or understanding, and it is normal to crave an apology when somebody hurts me or even to just want to have the opportunity to come to an understanding together.
Allow yourself to feel the emotion in your body. Allow yourself to feel the sensations, soften them, soothe them, notice how they change, and let them move through. Let go of the narrative around what happened. The feelings that feel so difficult and painful now will not last forever. All feelings come and go. I am loved and I am worthy of kindness and compassion. My experience and needs are valid. And my loved one probably is frustrated with themselves too."
This will not necessarily be what everybody needs to hear, but if you find it helpful, feel free to try it. It's based on Kristin Neff's self-compassion meditations. Noticing that you are experiencing a moment of suffering, realizing that suffering is part of the human experience, connecting your experience with the suffering of others, offering compassion and letting yourself feel the emotions to let them pass (rather than trying to "think" your emotions away). It can really help to stop the emotional spiral.
