sense of self dissolving as my wife starts night shifts

[megalocardia]

i've always struggled with being alone. it's like for me to do things, even things I enjoy, i need someone to be around to know it's okay. they don't even have to be doing what I'm doing, just nearby and not criticizing me. My wife has recently made a sacrifice to work a night shift stocking job so I can focus on college (tried going to college while working and ended up inpatient i could literally not stop dissociating and coming in and out and just shutting down from overwhelm). So I'm not working, I'm able to go to school, we have secure housing like what more could I want. But not getting to see her often has, over the past few weeks, got me to a state of almost nothingness. like i don't care about anything anymore, emotionally. logically i care a lot about my schoolwork, the house, myself etc. but my emotions feel nothing. it's like there's no mirror and so my brain has just slowly started shutting down any and all feeling.
sometimes i feel like crying. it's a relief from the apathy/nothingness. But I want to feel normal again. And I hate asking my wife to find a new job when she /just/ did that just for me.

I'm new here so idk if this rant is allowed or if I sound mean or what. I am a nice person I just don't know what to do right now. My therapist has let me start going twice a week instead of once starting this week so I think that might help. It also doesnt help that i have maternal transference with her and want her to care for me like a mother (she knows) sometimes.

anyways this is getting off topic. i just want advice or support or sympathy for struggling being alone / feeling like your "self" is gone without someone to mirror with

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Welcome. You are not alone. I think I lost my individual identity in my marriage. Something I am working on in therapy.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm new here so idk if this rant is allowed or if I sound mean or what. I am a nice person I just don't know what to do right now.

I don't see this as a rant or you being mean. I see this as you seeking support to manage something that is impacting you at the moment. Which this site is perfect for. Likelihood is that someone will have felt similar things and we can all provide support to each other.

It's really positive that you recognise what is going on for you. That's always half the battle?

And then the other half is finding ways to manage these triggers you are feeling of abandonment (that's how I'm seeing it, maybe you see it differently?).

Have you heard about 'object consistency'? I wonder if exploring that and how you build that for yourself night help here (it might also help with your maternal transference with your T, it helped me with mine).

On a practical level, to help with these feelings, what can you build in to feel that connection with your wife? Can you leave notes for each other? Or voice recordings? Or schedule in time where you can see each other in ways that might not be happening as much right now?

 

[arfie]

don't accuse me of experting, megalo, but i don't see anything, whatsoever, off-topic or inappropriate in your post. to the contrary, this would be exactly the sort of confusion i rely on my therapy peer supporters to help me sort. in this particular case, you might have even helped me find words for a vague uneasiness which has plagued me since my husband retired 2 years ago. have i "lost my sense of self" since his constant presence has disrupted every piece of my own business as usual? i barely recognize my life any more and often feel like my new boss is micromanaging my world. meditations in progress. . .

returning the thread to you. . .

kudos on your clear enunciation and self-awareness of what you are going through. such a level of awareness can make a huge diff in being able to manage the symptoms. it fills me with confidence that you will find your way through. steadying support while you find your way through. lean freely here. listening. . .

 

[megalocardia]

I don't see this as a rant or you being mean. I see this as you seeking support to manage something that is impacting you at the moment. Which this site is perfect for. Likelihood is that someone will have felt similar things and we can all provide support to each other.

It's really positive that you recognise what is going on for you. That's always half the battle?

And then the other half is finding ways to manage these triggers you are feeling of abandonment (that's how I'm seeing it, maybe you see it differently?).

Have you heard about 'object consistency'? I wonder if exploring that and how you build that for yourself night help here (it might also help with your maternal transference with your T, it helped me with mine).

On a practical level, to help with these feelings, what can you build in to feel that connection with your wife? Can you leave notes for each other? Or voice recordings? Or schedule in time where you can see each other in ways that might not be happening as much right now?

thank you.

I know the basic idea of object consistency but haven't explored it much let alone in therapy. I have therapy tomororw and will bring this up.


We do leave each other notes. I think me not working and just being alone /so/ much is eating away at me. I feel like a nothing person. And it's so overwhelming.

don't accuse me of experting, megalo, but i don't see anything, whatsoever, off-topic or inappropriate in your post. to the contrary, this would be exactly the sort of confusion i rely on my therapy peer supporters to help me sort. in this particular case, you might have even helped me find words for a vague uneasiness which has plagued me since my husband retired 2 years ago. have i "lost my sense of self" since his constant presence has disrupted every piece of my own business as usual? i barely recognize my life any more and often feel like my new boss is micromanaging my world. meditations in progress. . .

returning the thread to you. . .

kudos on your clear enunciation and self-awareness of what you are going through. such a level of awareness can make a huge diff in being able to manage the symptoms. it fills me with confidence that you will find your way through. steadying support while you find your way through. lean freely here. listening. . .

i struggle without someone constantly around me. I've never been able to be alone. it's like I don't know how to act or what to do if i'm alone. like nothing matters. cause it's just me. ): and it's really been wearing on me and I'm afraid I'll have been putting me and my wife through these struggles (me quitting my job to do college, her having to get a higher paying night shift job) for nothing b/c it's the final few weeks of school and I can feel myself not being able to hang in there.

Welcome. You are not alone. I think I lost my individual identity in my marriage. Something I am working on in therapy.

I don't think I have an individual identity. I need anyone to be around to know how to 'be'. and if noone is around I feel like I am nothing. and the weeks of it have me melting into dissociative brain

 

[Joey Bones]

i've always struggled with being alone. it's like for me to do things, even things I enjoy, i need someone to be around to know it's okay. they don't even have to be doing what I'm doing, just nearby and not criticizing me. My wife has recently made a sacrifice to work a night shift stocking job so I can focus on college (tried going to college while working and ended up inpatient i could literally not stop dissociating and coming in and out and just shutting down from overwhelm). So I'm not working, I'm able to go to school, we have secure housing like what more could I want. But not getting to see her often has, over the past few weeks, got me to a state of almost nothingness. like i don't care about anything anymore, emotionally. logically i care a lot about my schoolwork, the house, myself etc. but my emotions feel nothing. it's like there's no mirror and so my brain has just slowly started shutting down any and all feeling.
sometimes i feel like crying. it's a relief from the apathy/nothingness. But I want to feel normal again. And I hate asking my wife to find a new job when she /just/ did that just for me.

I'm new here so idk if this rant is allowed or if I sound mean or what. I am a nice person I just don't know what to do right now. My therapist has let me start going twice a week instead of once starting this week so I think that might help. It also doesnt help that i have maternal transference with her and want her to care for me like a mother (she knows) sometimes.

anyways this is getting off topic. i just want advice or support or sympathy for struggling being alone / feeling like your "self" is gone without someone to mirror with

I also need having some kind of human company around and don't do well on my own. I guess it's called Codependence.