General Sexsomnia And Ptsd

[Ilovemyvet30]

I would like to discuss the effects of this complex disorder that often times goes undiagnosed. Not only can the sufferer be stigmatized, but it can also lead to false allegations of rape and molestation.

My husband suffers from Parasomnia, often times called "sexsomnia", although some may giggle at the name it is something that's very misunderstood. I ran across a thread where a young woman was talking about if she should seek police help for actions her BF had done in his sleep. While many encouraged her, I would like to offer some insight into why that's not always the way to solve the problem.

Firstly, I myself am a survivor of sexual assault by a family member. When I was 7 years old my brother thought I was sleeping and fondled me. He was 14, was NOT sleeping and knew what he was doing. This is an instance where the police should be involved, and they were.

Having gone through that, and now dealing with a husband who has been diagnosed with combat related PTSD due to a 15 month deployment, I can say the experiences are completely different.

PTSD Is just one among the slew of mental health problems we battled since he returned home from Iraq 10 years ago. I was not surprised by the vivid dreams and flailing in the bed my partner was living in his slumber. I was however, caught off guard by the groping and sexual nature some of his sleep movements had developed into. Kicking, talking, walking, punching, laughing, SNORING (oh gosh, he can suck the Sheetrock off the walls!) eating, fondling, touching, hair pulling and fingers shoved in my mouth are a regular night in our king size bed.

This is a sacrifice I make out of love and compassion and he's worth it. He's worth it because he truly, honestly, completely and 100% cannot help it. When I wake him and ask him to roll over, whether he's snoring or playing Wack a Mole with my ponytail, he always mumbles how sorry he is, and rolls over. The next day, he may vaguely, but most of the time, does not remember any of my disturbances from the night before.

I know my husband, I trust him whole heartedly or I would not have committed my life to him. There is no way he would ever purposely put me into a position where I felt like I did the night I was taken advantage of in 2nd grade. In a perfect world we could tell our partners, "you snored last night, tonight.... NO SNORING!" And that would be that. That's not how it works though, and that's not how Parasomnia works either. It is completely out of his hands.

There is no way I would ever feel compelled to press charges on him. I wish I could snap my fingers and take away all he's been through. Rid him of PTSD, of the 11 medications he takes daily to help combat it, of all the guilt he feels when I mention his actions done in restless slumber. I can't cure him, and guilting him does nothing so most of the time I don't even tell him anymore.

I'm sure there are men who use "sexsomnia" selfishly, to please a sick part of them. That's why it's important to trust who you lay down beside at night. Don't trust your body to a passerby. Talk about sleep history and disturbances when you meet someone new and prepare to sleep apart until there is a trust. My spouse has never penetrated me, it's mainly groping and touching. A hip rub, or a booty squeeze. If it were more I would change our sleeping patterns.

Through open communication you may can pick up on certain triggers, a few beers and I know my husband will snore all night. His antidepressant, Prozac contributes to his Parasomnia, as well as his sleep apnea. His main trigger is one we will never cure, his PTSD.

Please protect yourself, protect your sacred body. However, choose wisely who you snuggle up to, and think about if the actions done while ones sleeping truly call for charges being pressed. Those allegations can ruin a persons already broken mind. If you feel like you have been violated intentionally absolutely, no doubt, seek help from the authorities. Only a coward knowingly abuses a sleeping body.

Although I long for a perfect nights rest between my 6'7, 280lb husband and rescue therapy dog, I am so thankful to have every night with his long arms around me. He sacrificed for me, and I sacrifice for him, besides, naps are so much more fun as grown ups.

I cannot judge the young lady who went to the police, nor is it my intent. Only she knows what happened and what boundaries were passed or not. I stand behind all those who have ever been or felt victimized, because at a young age my voice was heard. My goal is simply to spread knowledge, love and positivity. Be blessed!

 

[joeylittle]

My husband suffers from Parasomnia, often times called "sexsomnia"

Parasomnia is what one calls the entire spectrum of sleep disturbances. Sexsomnia is one specific type of parasomnia. The others include sleep-walking, sleep paralysis, sleep-eating...the only thing not included (as far as I recall) is sleep apnea, which is a separate disorder.

Only a coward knowingly abuses a sleeping body.

I'm curious - how do you square this with knowing that after a few beers, your husband is likely to have a rougher night's sleep?

Those allegations can ruin a persons already broken mind.

Well...I hear you - and I am not one to believe that everything deserves police prosecution - but when I read this, it's hard for me to not hear a degree of either enabling bad behavior or even protecting it somehow, because the sufferer has already suffered enough. I think every individual has their own line, the things they can tolerate. You call it a sacrifice, and it's a sacrifice you are willing to make. Every individual deserves to make that choice for themselves...and I don't know that the other persons' mental health needs to be considered.

I say this as a sufferer; I would not want this level of acceptance from my partner. But that is just my opinion, and may be influenced by my own feelings of shame.

I'm a person who has violent and disruptive parasomnias. They have improved over time, as I've worked on processing trauma in therapy. So I know they can be super-frustrating for sufferers, and I also know that sometimes, they can get better.

 

[Ilovemyvet30]

The few beers. Lol I should have clarified that with the beers the only thing that seems to happens is him rattling the WALLS. The alcohol make him snore so so bad. He doesn't drink often, maybe a few on New Years around a bonfire, 4th of July sometimes. With his medications he just knows better.

 

[Ilovemyvet30]

I accept this because I love my husband. I know he cannot control this. Just like you can't control it, so no shame should be felt. Maybe our case is special. I feel like he puts up with a lot from me that I also cannot control. I have seizures, he doesn't love me any less during a fit. He protects me and cares for me when I have fallen out at restaurants, the vets office and even the tattoo parlor. I have gotten a tattoo, stood up and fell out (ugh in a dress) and had a seizure in the floor. When I came around I didn't even know how old I was. I remember feeling frustrated that I wouldn't be able to get a tattoo. When I said something to him, he pointed to my collarbone where the new ink was. My point is, I can't help it, even with medication I still have them. I don't remember anything, including biting off a chunk of tongue that had to be fixed. He loves me no different. He loves me through hospital stays and through health scares that have almost cost me my life. Our bodies are both flawed in ways that they sometimes act in ways we can't control. Neither of us are less valuable or deserved to be loved less. Maybe we are not normal. I posted this after seeing the extreme of going to police when I was researching, I thought it was unfair to only hear one side.

 

[joeylittle]

I hear you; knowing that you also have a physical disorder also does provide more context for your point of view.

Just like you can't control it, so no shame should be felt

It's hard to not feel all sorts of feelings about it, but yes - I know what you mean. I just disagree with the statement that I can't control it, because I am learning how to improve it - which lessens frequency, which isn't the same as control, but does make it better.

Every individual gets to decide what they can tolerate. That's my primary counterpoint; no-one should feel guilty for getting help or getting out if they cannot handle the illness, even when it's the harder to address stuff like
parasomnias.

It sounds like you and your husband have a very strong relationship - and that is always inspiring to read about, too. Thank you for sharing about your lives. :)

 

[mamachick]

Parasomnia's are a hard one that I have also. My therapist seemed unfamiliar about it all but did refer to it as an altered state. She also thought I was in an altered state during one visit only. Mine is not the classical eating or thrashing or walking so I feel extremely fearful of even talking about it. I have not yet met any dr. who has any knowledge at all.

Evidently, I go to sleep...I dream something bad.... I call someone and leave a voicemail telling them what is happening in my nightmare. I have only done this twice that others have told me, but there could be more unknown to me, I don't know.

On one occasion, when talking with a friend who suggested I get help from my ex, I stated that he wouldn't piss on me if my ass was on fire. That night I had a nightmare that he was on fire and running thru his yard in flames. His house is in the country with no neighbors and I was panicked and had no phone. He was running back and forth and faster than me. In my dream, I feared I was going to be blamed. (Im pretty sure its because Ive been blamed and been a scapegoat though nothing violent.) I left a detailed message about this all happening with my adult daughter begging for help. She said I sounded very clear. However, she didn't listen to the message until the next day about 3pm. Evidently she began calling me and didn't get me. About midnight, she called my ex and couldn't get anyone to answer. Eventually she called the police to check on me. They listened to the message and asked her if I use crack. I never had a second thought about the dream until the police came to my house to check on me, and insisted on going to the country to check on my ex. (I guess they thought I might have harmed him). Of course he was fine. Only after all of this did we put the pieces together. I remembered the dream. I had no memory of calling her. Later I discovered that I called another friend with a similar message...time had passed and don't really know what it was.

I just don't know how to digest this, let alone control it. I sleep alone so I don't know of anything else I do. This scares the hell out of me. It has been several years now and I went off medication that I think might cause this but I am uncertain it has anything to do with meds at all. Not having the meds has impacted my life negatively though.