Sexual Trauma from Childhood: Is it PTSD or Paranoia?

[someoneconfused]

Hi, this is my first post ever.

OK. I don't know what to do anymore...

I have memories when I was a kid hanging out with a group of kids. After it got more late outside, some of the older kids were kind of being intimidating. Saying really inappropriate things and trying to scare me away. Eventually I ended up in the backyard being a dumb young kid, I'm talking not in school yet or just going to start school after summer. Anyway, I ended up crawling around on all 4's to look inside a bonfire cause I thought there was something in there. I look back, and someone came up behind me and said "no more babies" and I black out. I kind of wake up a little bit, and I find someone on top of me humping me, they get up while pulling their shorts up and blew me a kiss. I pass out again.

I also remember when school started I was on the bus with one of the kids and he laughed at me saying "We knocked him so hard he needed glasses" (this was the same exact same time I got prescription glasses.) I just remember life resuming like usual.

As an adult I'm sorta not "into sex" like most guys are in adulthood... I don't like large groups of people... I isolate mostly...

I know most of the people's names and faces and what house it was at... but I'm not entirely sure if it's just made up... I see them around and I get uncomfortable.

Like, how would you deal with that living in that town?

The thing is, one day I was kind of sexually touching myself and that memory came flashing back out of the blue... years later... And ever since then I keep having the memories... it doesn't stop... every few months I think about it and get angry all over again. All my family tell me "Move on and let go"

I'm wondering if I am behaving in paranoia or maybe it might be PTSD... I'm just curious if this is common... or I'm just batshit off base.

I've talked to a therapist I'm not a good self-advocate. It's easier on a random internet space with a pseudonym to just say it. If this helps anyone else, the better. I know doctors are mostly confidential, they don't really seem to listen sometimes.

 

[Movingforward10]

I can't say whether it's PTSD (no one on here can) or paranoia, but I can say it is super common for memories to suddenly pop back into your life. And it all be very confusing about whether it's a memory or what is it. And it's very unsettling. And you question and doubt yourself, and reality seems to shift and it just feels consuming.
Super common.

Happened to me.
I would have sworn I wasn't sexually abused. Until I was 24 and memories started to come back through dreams and I just didn't know if I was going totally crazy or what was happening.

You say you are not a good self advocate, but here you are reaching out on this site, explaining yourself extremely well and asking questions.
You say you have spoken to a therapist. Is that a trauma informed on? It might really help to explore this with a therapist.
I'm not surprised family are saying to you "move on" about it. I'm sure it comes from a place of wanting you to be ok and not necessarily them having the expertise to manage something like this. It's not helpful to hear "move on", especially when you're trying to work out what it even is you're meant to be moving on from.

 

[arfie]

hello @someoneconfused . welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

on my strictly personal psych chart, paranoia is a pronounced symptom of my ptsd. it is attached to my "hypervigilance" which has me forever on guard for random dangers in the world. when my hypervigilance is in play, feeling safe is an impossible dream. it's not paranoia. . . that butterfly really is out to get me. check the blankets in that baby carriage. i'm quite sure you'll find an assault rifle in there and i'm sure that baby knows how to use it. it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you! ! !

sigh. . . just breath. . .

in addition, my very first psych dx was, "trauma induced amnesia." i had blocked memory of my entire childhood. the extreme geographic instability of that childhood makes it impossible to confirm or deny ANY of the memories which have since emerged. the extent of the damage to my memory functions/psyche makes it highly unlikely that are reliable. what's a certified nutjob to do?

healing is my goal. i leave the historical fact checking to the academics while i just focus on doing my honest best with the information available. i work to maintain my foothold in the here and now while i simply let the memories and emotions wash over me. accuracy unimportant. i'm not going to court. i simply want to process and heal.

dunno if any of this applies to your case, or not. just sharing as an excuse to welcome you to the forum.
gentle support while you sort. you are not alone.

 

[Friday]

I'm wondering if I am behaving in paranoia or maybe it might be PTSD... I'm just curious if this is common... or I'm just batshit off base.

Ditto others… NO IDEA… what’s going on with you.

It could be any of 2 dozen things… not just the 2; PTSD or Paranoia.

As many people with PTSD adore sex, and/or find it grounding, as those who don’t, or find it difficult, or use it as a coping mechanism, or way to act out, or there’s no indication -sexually- whatsoever. And a whole helluva lotta somewhere in between.

All discovers share symptoms, so they all overlap. And that’s even before bringing in medical causes that mimic psych & vice versa.

See a specialist. Someone who can rule out physiological causes & discern between psychological causes. It’s expensive, and time consuming, but worth it.

 

[chihayafuru]

Paranoia can be part of ptsd. Only a professional can tell you if you have PTSD but you could still try dealing with what's bothering you.

 

[Derek]

I can't say whether it's PTSD (no one on here can) or paranoia, but I can say it is super common for memories to suddenly pop back into your life. And it all be very confusing about whether it's a memory or what is it. And it's very unsettling. And you question and doubt yourself, and reality seems to shift and it just feels consuming.
Super common.

Happened to me.
I would have sworn I wasn't sexually abused. Until I was 24 and memories started to come back through dreams and I just didn't know if I was going totally crazy or what was happening.

You say you are not a good self advocate, but here you are reaching out on this site, explaining yourself extremely well and asking questions.
You say you have spoken to a therapist. Is that a trauma informed on? It might really help to explore this with a therapist.
I'm not surprised family are saying to you "move on" about it. I'm sure it comes from a place of wanting you to be ok and not necessarily them having the expertise to manage something like this. It's not helpful to hear "move on", especially when you're trying to work out what it even is you're meant to be moving on from.

I'm going to try my "team" again. Its probably me wanting to get right to the trauma bits or whatever and not do a proper process. We were working on boundaries and stuff... but I got impatient all I could think was seeing red. I think I just want someone to be like "That's messed up." and just be like "Happens more than you think". And someone to be like "Must be angry".

I feel better being anonymous.

My therapist was more of a relationship/couples therapist.

My family hasn't really been all that supportive. They think I either want attention or just paranoid. Makes me not really trust them either.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what I am trying to get out of this... closure isn't going to happen... I just want to feel better or at least cope.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@someoneconfused - please log in to post

 

[Derek]

Ditto others… NO IDEA… what’s going on with you.

It could be any of 2 dozen things… not just the 2; PTSD or Paranoia.

As many people with PTSD adore sex, and/or find it grounding, as those who don’t, or find it difficult, or use it as a coping mechanism, or way to act out, or there’s no indication -sexually- whatsoever. And a whole helluva lotta somewhere in between.

All discovers share symptoms, so they all overlap. And that’s even before bringing in medical causes that mimic psych & vice versa.

See a specialist. Someone who can rule out physiological causes & discern between psychological causes. It’s expensive, and time consuming, but worth it.

I enjoy sex (I get aroused and stuff). I'm not out weekends chasing tail though. I have some bad views on sex... plus bad relationships sealed the deal for me (blackmailed sex, sex with strings attached, as a weapon). That's not including when I do have sex, it's not as pleasurable for me as people say it is suppose to be... I think I have a psychological barrier to having pleasurable sex. So combine all that, the motivation isn't there. Men are suppose to put effort into getting sex... which is perfect because women don't usually approach men, and I don't have to deal with sex at all.

Yeah, I'm special.

I'll reach out to my team again, but they really only shrug it off. Even my grandma was like, "That's hard to prove." so I am losing hope on it.

I don't even really care if I prove it anymore... It does burn me that sexual deviants roam the streets but... that's societies problem not only mine. Sometimes I feel society gets what it deserves too because they don't believe me... it's a dark place I am in...

I'll talk to them again... I go in in about a week.

 

[Derek]

hello @someoneconfused . welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

on my strictly personal psych chart, paranoia is a pronounced symptom of my ptsd. it is attached to my "hypervigilance" which has me forever on guard for random dangers in the world. when my hypervigilance is in play, feeling safe is an impossible dream. it's not paranoia. . . that butterfly really is out to get me. check the blankets in that baby carriage. i'm quite sure you'll find an assault rifle in there and i'm sure that baby knows how to use it. it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you! ! !

sigh. . . just breath. . .

in addition, my very first psych dx was, "trauma induced amnesia." i had blocked memory of my entire childhood. the extreme geographic instability of that childhood makes it impossible to confirm or deny ANY of the memories which have since emerged. the extent of the damage to my memory functions/psyche makes it highly unlikely that are reliable. what's a certified nutjob to do?

healing is my goal. i leave the historical fact checking to the academics while i just focus on doing my honest best with the information available. i work to maintain my foothold in the here and now while i simply let the memories and emotions wash over me. accuracy unimportant. i'm not going to court. i simply want to process and heal.

dunno if any of this applies to your case, or not. just sharing as an excuse to welcome you to the forum.
gentle support while you sort. you are not alone.

Yeah, fight or flight happens for me too. I'm very avoidant and very independent from others.

That's interesting, because my reflexes are hypervigilant. You hit a nerve and my limb goes flying. I mean yeah, places like bars or where groups of guys that bully I avoid... I am very in tune with loud noises and startle easy. I don't enjoy being around aggressive people either (I doubt many do) but I'm like running for the door.

Yeah, I'm not too concerned about my past, only in the fact that sexual deviants still roam the street is all. I'm not really looking for more than concern for fellow man. I'd think it's important for people to know what they are capable of. I guess, if not, oh well.

That's right! I want the process and heal... but I dunno what the starting point really is... or how to get my team onboard with it without looking like I'm overly sensitive or attention seeking or whatever excuse or scapegoat there might be.

I'm already diagnosed with other stuff... I think opening up to this might explain more of my treatment plan and history but I dunno.