Sufferer Shame, Depression, Anxiety, Fear For As Long As I Can Remember...i Need Your Help

[NoPasaNada]

Well, I'm very uncomfortable talking about myself. Where do I start?

You can call me Nick. I'm a 21 year old college student. I haven't really had any traumatic events in my life. No abuse, no f'd up family situation. I have no idea where it comes from but I just have severe shame, depression, and anxiety. As a result, I'm a huge people-pleaser and perfectionist. I'm scared as hell of other people and of the world in general. Everything I've done in my life is an overcompensation of low-self worth or fear of other people. I have no idea about what it means to "be myself." I've been living my life for other people for so long that I can't even begin to comprehend what living it for me would be like (I feel tons of guilt even writing that sentence).

I don't know what I want in life and am very enmeshed with other people. I would give anyone in the world the shirt off my back (even if they disrespected me) but I feel like I don't deserve anything. I make myself look good on the outside and try to project an image to the world that everything is perfect whereas I'm pretty miserable 90% of the time. So this intense "toxic" shame I carry around with me is the basis for the majority of my problems. Every self-help book I read just says "let it go" or "just make a decision to stop beating yourself up and be nice to yourself" If it were that easy I would've been healed years ago and wouldn't be on this site.

There is just this super-negative, self-criticising, involuntary part of my mind that constantly berates me...even now as I try to write this post.

So I need help with this. I'm currently working with "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Taming Your Outer Child" by Dr. Anderson. But I also need support from other people. That's why I'm here. To feel like I do matter and I don't have to try to be perfect or please you for you to care. How do I get to feeling good about myself and from feeling like people generally disapprove of who I am at a core level?

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

hi NoPasaNada,

Welcome, I think it's pretty common at your age to self analyze & question ourselves, who we are etc.. From reading your post, what I would recommend is 1- Take a lot more alone time to yourself, for example go on small day hikes in nice peaceful surroundings by a lake or something. Maybe a small road trip in your car to the next town have lunch then drive back home. Or take a weekend and go to the nearest beach, set up a tent at the public campground, bring your books, and just enjoy the solitude for the weekend. All of this of course would get your mind off other people, and give you much needed time alone, and space for self reflection. 2- I would consider seeking a therapist. Pick someone you feel comfortable with. In therapy would be a safe place to share your apprehensions and self doubt and receive feedback from a professional who could truly help you work through your fears.

Hope this helps a little and best of luck to you

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Nick, welcome to the forum.

I'm curious, your prefix says Sufferer, can I ask if you have been diagnosed with PTSD?

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Nick and welcome.

I am not sure if anyone can have post traumatic stress disorder with out the "trauma". I know there are many different types of anxiety and stress disorders that don't require the traumatic experience, so you really need to see a specialist to get the correct diagnosis and treatment.

Self help books will only get you so far, get some real help, get a therapist and start healing.

Love and luck, x

 

[Beverly G.]

Hi Nick,
I don't have advcice for you. I do however highly recommend you find someone who will. Some people think there is a stigma attached to seeing a therapist but for me it has become more of an oasis where I can go and say anything I want and not be judged.

I agree with Pale Warrior, it does not seem like you do not have PTSD although it is possible to supress trauma and it effect you without knowing why.

Lots of luck and God bless

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I tend to agree, A good therapist would be a good place to start, followed by a psychiatrist to give you some none sleepy medications for the anxiety.

Lots of good support here, keep on writing and telling your story and get it out of you. This is a safe place where you can express yourself and find no one will judge or condemn you.

Hang in there, don't give up. You are not alone.