AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
I briefly introduced myself a couple weeks ago. Rather than tell my story in bits and pieces, and forget what I'd already shared, I figured it’d be better to list what PTSD issues I have had, and worked through. I relate to so many stories here, and am happy there is a place like this. No one understands unless they've suffered the devastation of PTSD, and how it shapes the future for sufferers, and the ones' who love and support them.
I am a preacher’s kid, who grew up in a home where there was no expression of love, and we appeared to be a ‘normal’ family at church only. My dad always worked at least one extra job. He did not know how neglected we were. Mother was, and still is emotionally unavailable to anyone, including herself, and does nothing for anyone but herself. It’s always been that way.
I ‘taught’ myself about self-care, as in bathing, wearing clean clothes, and basic hygiene. I had suicidal ideations from an early age. At 14 I took a handful of aspirin, just because I didn’t want to feel anything. They never knew.
Mom has always ‘escaped’ into TV, books, and her computer. She now has early dementia, and I am her caregiver along with my dad. So, that’s what I’m working on in therapy right now, as it will get worse.
It’s hard not to blame her for my c-sa and severe depressions. If she would have been paying attention to her children, I don’t believe it would have happened, at least not in my own home. My brother was the one who inappropriately touched me, over the course of my life till he left home at 18. Not frequently, but enough that I learned shame. I found out a couple years ago, that he too was a victim of csa and had carried that secret all his life. He is 57. I have forgiven him.
I have been married 4 times, and have been single for about 17 years now, and plan to remain that way. Each marriage and divorce added to the guilt and shame I felt for my whole life.
With my 2nd husband I had my only 2 children. My son, who was born first, was perfect in every way. I was fulfilled and happy beyond belief. Fifteen months later, my daughter was born with severe brain damage. The docs said she would be like a ‘vegetable’. Nothing was ever the same.
After she came home, I began slipping farther into postpartum depression, leading to psychosis. I ‘saw’ things in my head that no one should ever have to ‘see’, and felt things I never thought possible! The marriage ended a bit over a year after she was born. Long story short, I institutionalized her at 18 months. Three days later, I was in the Psyche Ward for 3 weeks.
Fast forward 9 years, they began closing State Hospitals, and because I could not care for her at home, she went to a foster home. I had just re-married for the last time. She made it 3 months. Guilt and grief became my constant companions for several years. I discovered at about the 6 month point after her death, the doctor had medicated (euthanized) her and she passed away in my arms about 17 minutes later. It was the hardest thing to accept. Her autopsy told me that she had been sick even before they placed her in the foster home. I have forgiven him. It was hard work, but well worth it not to carry those feelings.
Thanks for taking the time to read the 'short' version of my 'mountains' and 'valleys', and YES, I HAVE survived and am EVEN happy and content where I am in my life. My son is doing great, after some stumbles, and is the compassionate man he is, as a result of our experiences. He's the light of my life, right after my Lord.
I know all my pain, mental and physical, has enabled me to help people who don’t know yet, that they can heal from anything as long as they don’t give up!
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I am a preacher’s kid, who grew up in a home where there was no expression of love, and we appeared to be a ‘normal’ family at church only. My dad always worked at least one extra job. He did not know how neglected we were. Mother was, and still is emotionally unavailable to anyone, including herself, and does nothing for anyone but herself. It’s always been that way.
I ‘taught’ myself about self-care, as in bathing, wearing clean clothes, and basic hygiene. I had suicidal ideations from an early age. At 14 I took a handful of aspirin, just because I didn’t want to feel anything. They never knew.
Mom has always ‘escaped’ into TV, books, and her computer. She now has early dementia, and I am her caregiver along with my dad. So, that’s what I’m working on in therapy right now, as it will get worse.
It’s hard not to blame her for my c-sa and severe depressions. If she would have been paying attention to her children, I don’t believe it would have happened, at least not in my own home. My brother was the one who inappropriately touched me, over the course of my life till he left home at 18. Not frequently, but enough that I learned shame. I found out a couple years ago, that he too was a victim of csa and had carried that secret all his life. He is 57. I have forgiven him.
I have been married 4 times, and have been single for about 17 years now, and plan to remain that way. Each marriage and divorce added to the guilt and shame I felt for my whole life.
With my 2nd husband I had my only 2 children. My son, who was born first, was perfect in every way. I was fulfilled and happy beyond belief. Fifteen months later, my daughter was born with severe brain damage. The docs said she would be like a ‘vegetable’. Nothing was ever the same.
After she came home, I began slipping farther into postpartum depression, leading to psychosis. I ‘saw’ things in my head that no one should ever have to ‘see’, and felt things I never thought possible! The marriage ended a bit over a year after she was born. Long story short, I institutionalized her at 18 months. Three days later, I was in the Psyche Ward for 3 weeks.
Fast forward 9 years, they began closing State Hospitals, and because I could not care for her at home, she went to a foster home. I had just re-married for the last time. She made it 3 months. Guilt and grief became my constant companions for several years. I discovered at about the 6 month point after her death, the doctor had medicated (euthanized) her and she passed away in my arms about 17 minutes later. It was the hardest thing to accept. Her autopsy told me that she had been sick even before they placed her in the foster home. I have forgiven him. It was hard work, but well worth it not to carry those feelings.
Thanks for taking the time to read the 'short' version of my 'mountains' and 'valleys', and YES, I HAVE survived and am EVEN happy and content where I am in my life. My son is doing great, after some stumbles, and is the compassionate man he is, as a result of our experiences. He's the light of my life, right after my Lord.
I know all my pain, mental and physical, has enabled me to help people who don’t know yet, that they can heal from anything as long as they don’t give up!
<Font style changed to forum default by Amethist>
