I believe it's about time I just completely opened up about how I really feel. Posting on the forums have helped me more than any diary can because others are reading and others are offering me support in ways other can't. I don't know how long this post is going to be, but I'm just going to keep typing on this small keyboard on my phone until I'm satisfied.
This past Wednesday I went to the concert of the composer that I've been wanting to see for several years now and it hit me how incredibly unhappy I am with my life although I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. Everything looks great and better than it has for years. There's no chaos or drama going on and my mom and I are living this great time in our lives where we're just moving forward. No looking back, only looking ahead at this bright future. My mom is seeing this great and sweet guy who she is considering marrying, I have my boyfriend, and I'm still considering going back to college next year (a different college). But it hit me at the concert as my mom fumbled with the camera obsessively trying to capture memories of what is supposed to be such a wonderful moment in my life, that I'm just really, really dissatisfied. This is my mom's happy ending, not mine. This is all what my mother desired, not me.
I've always been a person who only cares to make others happy, even at my own expense. My T says that it's a result of living in a broken home where I was the only one capable and willing to keep the peace. I could stop my parents fighting, I comforted my mother, I kept my dad's temper at bay, I always made them smile and laugh... I became their parents and I've just never been able to figure out how to look out for me. Even going to that incredibly strict college is what my church wanted, not me.
I miss my father so very much. My mom can't see that because see always saw him as this virus that I needed to get rid of, he was the antagonist that just needed to be defeated for the protagonist to reach their goal. Now that he is out of my life, my mother has been trying to "heal" and "help" me move on with life. The question was never "should her father continue to be a part of her life", but "how can I get rid of him the fastest". A few months ago, in june, when my father had that hysterical episode because I was going to that ultra conservative bible college to become some missionary and I had to live at my friends house for a few weeks because he was so unstable, an "anonymous" phone call topped the police about my father sexually abusing me when I was 13.
My mother was shocked and kept saying she didn't know who called the police. I was too tired to question anything so I went on with the report until I finally stopped them from pressing real charges against my father or starting the court cases. I still don't know who tipped the police but I can't shake off the feeling that it was my mother especially because, unknown to me at the time, the police were informing my mother of everything I told them (i was 18 and considered a legal adult, I'm pretty sure police shouldn't do that). A month later she sent me a text saying she was so proud of me for stepping up to my father and that I had done the right thing. I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF WHAT HAPPENED. IT WAS FORCED UPON ME.
Now, some of you are reading this and wondering just how I can love a man who sexually abused me, verbally assaulted me, and emotionally abused me. I don't really know either. That's just how it is. Growing up, my mother never really bothered with me and he just became my best friend. He taught me everything I know and we always shared common interests. He was the only one that I really opened up to and he taught me how to dream and set goals in my life. He taught me to for those goals no matter what. Many told me I was smart, and how proud they were of me, but none of their opinions, except for my father's, mattered to me.
I knew at a young age that he had abusive parents after overhearing a fight between my parents. I just saw him as broken because nobody ever really gave him a chance in life. I wanted him to be happy so I always sought to make him happy. We became a team. It wasn't until I was 13, when he was completely homeless and had nothing, that he touched me. He continued to try for a few months, but I always knew how to distract him. That summer he exploded at me when he was kicked out of the house, but after a few months he calmed down and we became close again. I trusted him and we had a wonderful four years until I graduated and he exploded at hiding out I was going to that college.
I know he really does love me, but he's just not mentally stable especially considering his childhood. I know that's no excuse, but I'm pretty sure that's the truth. I miss him so much and it eats at my heart every day because he was the one who really motivated me and really could make me laugh. He had such a big portion of my heart and I've never loved someone so much as I loved him. I need him, without him the world loses its color. I don't want to get married without him, I don't want to have children without him...but I don't know how to get him back. This is what everyone except me wanted. And I'm scared of contacting him because I've never seen my mother so happy before in my life. Having him back will ruin all of that and what if he just explodes again.
But my heart hurts and I'm never satisfied anymore. I should have been with my father at that concert, not my mother. She can't understand and she refuses to accept that she will never be able to take his place. She saw only the bad and I see both. I see how the good outweighed the bad. No one can replace him and I just feel like such a fake now. I'm not the real me, I'm just the person people want me to be.
And even after all that has happened, I still don't feel like I have really control over my life. The one thing I had been feeling secure of was seeing my therapist. That was my choice and my mother didn't know about it. It made me feel safe and secure, but the other day my therapist informed me that my mother had called her in October and told her everything that had happened in the previous months, she kept begging the therapist to contact me. My T informed my mother that she could not force me to come speak and I had to do it at my own time. Then two weeks ago my mom called my T again telling her how worried she was because it ain't speaking to anyone, my T informed my mother at that point that I had in fact spoken with her. She did this in an attempt to diffuse my mother and she left no further details. (My mom forced me to see this T almost a year ago in an attempt to get join therapy so that's why she has her number. I fell in love with the T because she told my mother to leave the room and that we would have private counseling. It was the only time I felt I had control so that's why I chose to go back to her in october). When my therapist informed me of what happened and apologized I nodded my head and smiled saying she did the right thing and it was better for my mother not to worry. But deep inside I was completely crushed and it just made me so angry.
This past Wednesday I went to the concert of the composer that I've been wanting to see for several years now and it hit me how incredibly unhappy I am with my life although I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. Everything looks great and better than it has for years. There's no chaos or drama going on and my mom and I are living this great time in our lives where we're just moving forward. No looking back, only looking ahead at this bright future. My mom is seeing this great and sweet guy who she is considering marrying, I have my boyfriend, and I'm still considering going back to college next year (a different college). But it hit me at the concert as my mom fumbled with the camera obsessively trying to capture memories of what is supposed to be such a wonderful moment in my life, that I'm just really, really dissatisfied. This is my mom's happy ending, not mine. This is all what my mother desired, not me.
I've always been a person who only cares to make others happy, even at my own expense. My T says that it's a result of living in a broken home where I was the only one capable and willing to keep the peace. I could stop my parents fighting, I comforted my mother, I kept my dad's temper at bay, I always made them smile and laugh... I became their parents and I've just never been able to figure out how to look out for me. Even going to that incredibly strict college is what my church wanted, not me.
I miss my father so very much. My mom can't see that because see always saw him as this virus that I needed to get rid of, he was the antagonist that just needed to be defeated for the protagonist to reach their goal. Now that he is out of my life, my mother has been trying to "heal" and "help" me move on with life. The question was never "should her father continue to be a part of her life", but "how can I get rid of him the fastest". A few months ago, in june, when my father had that hysterical episode because I was going to that ultra conservative bible college to become some missionary and I had to live at my friends house for a few weeks because he was so unstable, an "anonymous" phone call topped the police about my father sexually abusing me when I was 13.
My mother was shocked and kept saying she didn't know who called the police. I was too tired to question anything so I went on with the report until I finally stopped them from pressing real charges against my father or starting the court cases. I still don't know who tipped the police but I can't shake off the feeling that it was my mother especially because, unknown to me at the time, the police were informing my mother of everything I told them (i was 18 and considered a legal adult, I'm pretty sure police shouldn't do that). A month later she sent me a text saying she was so proud of me for stepping up to my father and that I had done the right thing. I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF WHAT HAPPENED. IT WAS FORCED UPON ME.
Now, some of you are reading this and wondering just how I can love a man who sexually abused me, verbally assaulted me, and emotionally abused me. I don't really know either. That's just how it is. Growing up, my mother never really bothered with me and he just became my best friend. He taught me everything I know and we always shared common interests. He was the only one that I really opened up to and he taught me how to dream and set goals in my life. He taught me to for those goals no matter what. Many told me I was smart, and how proud they were of me, but none of their opinions, except for my father's, mattered to me.
I knew at a young age that he had abusive parents after overhearing a fight between my parents. I just saw him as broken because nobody ever really gave him a chance in life. I wanted him to be happy so I always sought to make him happy. We became a team. It wasn't until I was 13, when he was completely homeless and had nothing, that he touched me. He continued to try for a few months, but I always knew how to distract him. That summer he exploded at me when he was kicked out of the house, but after a few months he calmed down and we became close again. I trusted him and we had a wonderful four years until I graduated and he exploded at hiding out I was going to that college.
I know he really does love me, but he's just not mentally stable especially considering his childhood. I know that's no excuse, but I'm pretty sure that's the truth. I miss him so much and it eats at my heart every day because he was the one who really motivated me and really could make me laugh. He had such a big portion of my heart and I've never loved someone so much as I loved him. I need him, without him the world loses its color. I don't want to get married without him, I don't want to have children without him...but I don't know how to get him back. This is what everyone except me wanted. And I'm scared of contacting him because I've never seen my mother so happy before in my life. Having him back will ruin all of that and what if he just explodes again.
But my heart hurts and I'm never satisfied anymore. I should have been with my father at that concert, not my mother. She can't understand and she refuses to accept that she will never be able to take his place. She saw only the bad and I see both. I see how the good outweighed the bad. No one can replace him and I just feel like such a fake now. I'm not the real me, I'm just the person people want me to be.
And even after all that has happened, I still don't feel like I have really control over my life. The one thing I had been feeling secure of was seeing my therapist. That was my choice and my mother didn't know about it. It made me feel safe and secure, but the other day my therapist informed me that my mother had called her in October and told her everything that had happened in the previous months, she kept begging the therapist to contact me. My T informed my mother that she could not force me to come speak and I had to do it at my own time. Then two weeks ago my mom called my T again telling her how worried she was because it ain't speaking to anyone, my T informed my mother at that point that I had in fact spoken with her. She did this in an attempt to diffuse my mother and she left no further details. (My mom forced me to see this T almost a year ago in an attempt to get join therapy so that's why she has her number. I fell in love with the T because she told my mother to leave the room and that we would have private counseling. It was the only time I felt I had control so that's why I chose to go back to her in october). When my therapist informed me of what happened and apologized I nodded my head and smiled saying she did the right thing and it was better for my mother not to worry. But deep inside I was completely crushed and it just made me so angry.
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