Shattered Relationship

[Tosh]

I have recently discovered my inner child, uncovered family secrets, and learned a painful truth about my childhood. Surpressed memories and feelings have been unlocked in the form of flashbacks and dissociation. I have remembered being sexually abused as a child by my father. I now know that my mother knew about it. I remember several instances when she actually saw it and did nothing.

When another family member tried to press charges agianst my father, because he abused them as well, she uprooted me. Moving from place to place, I was never allowed to see my other family members, or even say their names. Now I am learning of other family members who were also abused by my father. I have confirmed my mom was aware of the abuse from other family members as well.

Why did she keep me with him? How could she rip me away from the people who were trying to save me? How could she stay with him, knowing that he was abusing me? My inner child is SOOO angry with her. I don't want a relationship with her anymore. I feel that she has done nothing but lie to me about my childhood. I can feel emotional waves running through my body, anger, hopelessness, those supressed emotions, shaking. Then this other part of me says if I do that I will hurt her feelings and I fill up with guilt. I feel like there is this tug of war game going on inside of me. A new reality, answers, and maybe I'll have to end some family relationships, cause they aren't good for me anyway.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tosh,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Personally, I have been in both roles. First as a child who was abused and then the mother of children that were abused. But my response was very different than your mother's as my ex was prosecuted to the maximum allowed by law.

No one could help me because I didn't tell as a child. But there is no excuse for a parent to subject their child to abuse when they are aware of the abuse. That is the part I cannot comprehend. I have also terminated family relationships because they were dangerous and continued to bring me down. None of this is easy, but the ultimate goal is to do what is best for YOU.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Kintsugi]

Tosh, my whole heart goes out to you. I did not experience anything close to this level of denial/neglect in terms of my mother's inaction, but I do remember telling her about the abuse and her not doing anything to effectively stop it. I was a child (I was telling her this while she was bathing me, so I think I was probably very young), so I probably communicated poorly what the situation was, but I feel resentful of this incident. She also claims now that it never happened, but I remember too clearly. If you asked me ten minutes ago what the color of her old bathroom tub was, I probably would have said white. Thinking back to this moment, it was definitely green, a couple of soap bubbles floating around me, and I was sitting cross-legged with my knees pointing laterally down the tub. It hurts to remember this and to know that she doesn't believe me now. Further, when my abuser came out with his experience of abuse, carried out by a foster sibling that we all considered family, his abuser was no longer allowed anywhere near our family.

I don't know why parents do these things. But remember that you are your own person, and if your relationship with them is not helpful to you, then you should do what's right for yourself and not what is good for them.

 

[Tosh]

This is such a struggle. I can feel myself changing inside. I learned that those crappy feelings, hopelessness, worthlessness, etc. meant love, because that's how my mother and father made me feel when I was little. I really thought that meant love. (which expains why I was in an abusive relationship for eight years) So when I feel the pain that this brings it sends a familiar signal to my head and I hate it!! I feel like my brain got wired the wrong way.

Thank you intothelight and MissAntiSunshine for your kind words.

 

[AngelaMarie]

You should not ever feel guilty for standing up for the truth and what was right in your life. I watched generations of my family die because the women stood by and let abuse happen. I do not understand how a mother could ever do that to a child. You never deserved it! No child ever deserves that! Stand strong for what is best for you. Good luck!:)

 

[ronin47]

That's such a terrible feeling, to know that those who were supposed to guard you with their life knowingly put you in harms way. I'm so very sorry you're having to deal with that.

I too went through a period where I felt intense anger at those who abused me. I felt particularly angry with my father because we were very close at first. When I was a small child he was my only friend in the world. However as soon as I started Middle School suddenly he didn't love me unless I brought home a A/B report card. I think I was angrier at him because there was a feeling of betrayal. Everyone else in my family was abusive from a very early age. He was the only one who went from a carer to an offender.

When I told my therapist that I was feeling this anger, he actually told me he thought that was a good thing. He thought it was good that I was directing my anger outward instead of inward.

In all honesty I would feel like a hypocrite if I told you that you shouldn't express your anger to your mother because I did ultimately snap at my father and yelled at him over the phone, telling him that I felt like he put me down and hurt me as a child. I was so angry afterward that I threw my cellphone at the wall and broke it in two.

No matter what you do, just remember that it was not your fault. You were not responsible for the abuse you suffered. And the fact that your mother did not protect you had nothing to do with you and your value as a human being, it had to do with her and her poor self image and distorted view of reality.

 

[freakofnurture]

Why did she keep me with him? How could she rip me away from the people who were trying to save me? How could she stay with him, knowing that he was abusing me?

I wasn't sexually abused by my f*ther, but there was no one there to help me, too.
There is no excuse for your m*ther's behaviour, nothing could ever make her total lack of parental responsibility less grave and horrible. But she had reasons, and they're often the same when p*rents leave their children to abuse:
Admitting to the truth of what her husband was doing to her daughter would have hurt her.
She would've had to admit that she married a pedophile, a child rapist; she would've had to change her feelings towards her husband; she would've had to confront him about it, ask herself how she could ever have loved him; she would've had to leave him, hand him over to the legal system, tell her friends about it, endure massive amounts of shame and guilt; she would have had to take care of a deeply traumatised child...
It was easier for her to leave all the bad feelings and experiences to you and tell herself that she didn't really see something, that it wasn't that bad, or that you were to blame somehow.
The preservation of a 'good' status quo for themselfs in some people takes precedence over their duties and responsibilities as a p*rent.

If you want my personal opinion about what to do: Cut her off and never think about making her feel bad.
I know it's hard, I'm still struggling with letting my own mom go and not feel guilty about it. Your mom let you down in an absolute sense to stay comfortable herself. That's not what m*thers do. She doesn't deserve to still have a daughter after she left the helpless child to her pedophile husband.

EDIT: Concerning anger - feel it. Anger tells you that you were severly wronged, it's your self-worth crying out, your feeling of justice, your ability to self-care. These parts of you are still awake and they empower you. Once you have healed enough they'll calm down on their own.

Sry, I'll stop lecturing now -.-