Should I Be Angry?

[Lauren]

You know..... I love my dad with all my heart. He quit drinking years ago and has been quite loving since then. I know he still suffers from low self esteem and I am sure that he has buried anger, but he has been good to me since he quit drinking.

It has only been recently that I realized that I had identified with him. That I blamed my mom for everything. I recently apologized to my mother for this. That is not to excuse all the horrible things she did, but I understand a little more now why she did the things she did and why she is so verbally abusive to me at times to this day. She still drinks and must be a PTSD sufferer too. How horrible things must have been for her.

I love both of my parents. In fact I am going to my mother's place at the end of the month for a week to celebrate her 75th B-day. My husband is very worried about my trip, because I am struggling with therapy so much. I think she will be ok. Her frame of mind is pretty good right now.

I don't feel any anger towards my parents. I believe that they are messed up themselves and weren't truly trying to be abusive. It is just the way it was & still is at times with Mom. I think I have forgiven them. If I have truly forgiven them then shouldn't the power of those traumas be gone or at least less?

 

[AdamAnt]

I know that you rationalize your forgiveness, what I would worry about is those parts of the mind that don't pay attention to rationalization. I do hope that you're right...so much peace to be had if you are! Questions answered are like money in the bank sometimes! Only one way to find out?

 

[gdf]

Hi Lauren,

I was thinking maybe go..it sounds like your instincts are saying "try it." You could make a contingency plan, for instance, a plausible excuse you could use to leave if it did get rough. I will look forward to hearing the outcome what ever you decide.

Gina

 

[Nicolette]

Sorry to be a party pooper, but unless you have done a LOT of self work, it is common that you will revert back to your childhood role with your parents when you visit so the 'balance' is restored. I hope you are strong enough to do it as I know first hand two people who went through this and the one who keeps going backing "thinking it will be better this time" is a total mess. The other who kept the family at arms length, also hoped things would change and saw the changes like you have with your father, but each time there was a sign of hope one parent could not help but revert back (as they never acknowledged or even tried to heal their wrongs).

That is not to excuse all the horrible things she did, but I understand a little more now why she did the things she did and why she is so verbally abusive to me at times to this day. She still drinks and must be a PTSD sufferer too. How horrible things must have been for her.

As for this..........IMHO it is something you are trying to convince yourself of as your father has stopped drinking and worked on himself while your mother still chooses to be an alcoholic. I still don't get why people think that if "someone may be a PTSD Sufferer" that it gives them the right to abuse and mistreat others. Sorry, I don't buy into this rationale. Just MHO.

 

[Lauren]

Thanks Adam, Gina and Nicolette,

I do believe I have forgiven them Adam. That does not mean that I have resolved all the subconscious feelings associated with them. I still hurt, am terrified and feel suicidal at times. Of course there were other people involved in my abuse than just my parents.

I am going Gina. I had nothing to do with my mom for 10 years. We hooked up again a few years back. She hasn't changed unfortunately. She still drinks and goes off the deep end.....sometimes for months. Usually I can see it coming because I know what many of her triggers are. It's ok most of the time because I can just tell her that I need to go and hang up the phone. She did start attacking me again starting about 10 months ago. Again, for the most part because we don't live close to eachother I am able to disengage from the conversation. I know her "moods" well and really think she will be fine during my trip down there or I wouldn't be going. Thanks for the reinforcement of having an exit plan. I will bring a number for a local cab company to get me to the airport and fly home if necessary.

I understand what you are saying Nicolette. Believe it or not I have do a lot of work on myself, unfortunately there is much deeper stuff that I need to work on. I feel sorry for your "friends" and hope that I don't do that to myself. The problem for me is that when I stopped having anything to do with my mom, I had horrendous guilt. I also love being with her when she is the "mom" I love. When she becomes the "little girl" I know the "viper" is not far behind and that I need to get away. Funny, my brother and I found out a few years ago that both came up with the same descriptions for her different persona's.

On the stuff about my father....Now that I have looked at what he did to us I am having to deal with "bad" feelings about him. This is new and makes me so sad. He still has a lot of problems, but at least he tries. Kudo's to him for that!

I in no way approve, rationalize or say that what my mother or father did to me is ok. Just like I am not absolved from my actions against those I love because I have PTSD. It is easier to understand how it happened though and makes me even more determined to break the cycle. I don't think I did a very good job of it up till now. I did better than my parents did, but still screwed up royally. Funny, I can forgive my parents, but I can't forgive myself. My T and I are working on accepting God's forgiveness.....I have serious doubts that I ever will be able to for the above reason... There is NO EXCUSE for the things I have done.

 

[Nicolette]

Good luck Lauren!

 

[Jade-]

My dad quit drinking and changed his ways when I was an adult. My brothers and sisters had a good relationship with him. He was a good grandparent to their kids and turned out to be a good dad too.

I, however, not knowing that I suffered from ptsd, until just a few months ago, never got the chance to know him. The fear never left. I couldn't deal with the way I felt when I tried to visit him. The older I got, the worse I felt and my visits were far and few in between.

I wish that I would have sought help for myself years ago. I may not have been able to forgive my dad, but I maybe could have been able to have some sort of relationship with him. Maybe I could have even talked to him about the past.

Instead, I avoided him like the plague. I couldn't even muster enough courage to talk to him, even when I was in the same room. I didn't know his favorite color or any other things about him. All i knew about him was fear.

When he died 2 years ago, I grieved so much for what should have been. I felt so much guilt for not seeking help for myself. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I never got help for it.

I regret not giving him a second chance. I regret not getting to know him. I know alot of people would think i'm crazy for saying this stuff, especially if they've read my trauma diary. But, in the end, he was my dad, and I did love him, regardless of what he did in the past.

I say go. It will save you alot of grief/inner conflict later on when they're gone.

 

[Nicolette]

From my personal experience in a similar situation I would say that while I agree with the inner conflict Jadebear refers to - I tried year after year just looking for a glimmer of hope that something had changed. It had - my step father who physically abused me became a nice old man but I can't erase those thoughts in my mind and now, as my mother has no one to control at home she now tries to power over him and, from what I am told, treats him to a lesser extent to what she treated me. Difference is she doesn't have to protect him from anything like she should have me as a child.

What I found was that each time I saw a glimmer of hope and reached out I got drawn back into the toxicity of the family relationship which would hurt me and once again crush my thoughts of hope for change. I forgive my step father but I can't forgive my mother (yet anyway). I actually had to close the door on my family on Mothers' Day this year after receiving an attacking email due to a card not being suffice and my sister trying to drag Anthony into the chaos by trying to blame him in the changes in me (which have only really been to pull away as I can't deal with the crap).

For me closing the door has lifted weight off my shoulders and I don't carry any more conflict. Yes I will be said when they pass but you have to, at some point, stop putting your hand on the stove if all you end up is getting burned. Just my take on it.

 

[Lauren]

I understand Nicolette and I totally agree. As my T put it...."And remember that long sentence: "I did not have and will not have the perfect parent(s) I deserved, and I will not find them in . . . etc." When free of false expectations, if anything good happens, it's just a pleasant surprise and gift."

It is our own fault if we keep putting our hand in the fire and getting burned. In fact it would be a flase expectation if we expect anything different other than getting burned. I am opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt by even talking to her on the phone let alone going to stay with her. Fortunately I know from experience that while I am there she will be on her best behavior. The attack, if it comes, will most likely be after I leave and she gets depressed because I am gone. In fact I expect that to happen.

I appreciate where you are at. And know only too well about getting pulled back into the family toxicity. My step-father tries to lean on me about my mother. I have learned to set boundaries and am pretty good about keeping them in place. Not always, but usually. Even when I do hold to my boundaries I still get hurt by the things they do to try to get me to move them.

I sincerely hope that someday you can forgive your mother. Not for her sake, but for yours. If you are never able do that, it is totally understandable. Do they deserve our forgiveness....absolutely not! Do we deserve the peace forgiveness would bring us ABSOLUTELY!