FightingLily
Silver Member
After reading on the impact of PTSD on relationships, I couldn't help but to share some information. About 8 months ago, my therapist (I am the one with PTSD) gave me and my partner an exercise to complete individually. The exercise helped the both of us determine truths about ourselves and our expectations. Here is a compilation of questions adapted from: Reality Check;Twenty Questions to Screw Your Head on Straight by Robert F. Sarmiento, 1993 Although I am not a mental health professional, I added my perspective.
--Am I buying in to romantic fantasies?
Look at the reality of your situation. PTSD does not have a cure nor does it go away. For those whose partners are treating PTSD: Symptoms do get better for the sufferer with time and effort, but demanding or forcing normalcy is a high expectation and most times, counterproductive, inflicting pressure on the sufferer. For those whose partners have untreated PTSD: With out treatment, how can you expect anything different than what you are seeing now? Your love cannot fix the sufferer, nor can your patience. Yes, it aids in the healing process if willing but it isn't the cure.
--Do I expect love to make me happy?
Sure it is comforting to know that someone loves you, but do you expect it to make you happy all the time? The act of love can make you miserable, but abuse and blatant disregard for your emotions are unacceptable. Do you expect love to make things better?
--Am I basing my self-worth on being loved?
I have read too many posts from carers indicating a pre-existing low self esteem and co-dependency issues. Far too often, they are frazzled and confused, and feel unloved. At the end of the day, does it matter that the sufferer is distant and unable to show love? Do you feel like you have failed yourself/the sufferer when love isn't reciprocated? Are you loving yourself?
--Do I need or only want love?
Answer this question truthfully. Do you need another person's love to live day to day? Or do you want love? What kind of love do you want? Are you getting that kind of love?
--Are we pushing each other's buttons?
Are you trying to manipulate or force a desired reaction? When you threaten to end the relationship are you serious or are you trying to get a turn around in the sufferer's attitude towards you? Do the things you say and do, help or hurt the situation with each other?
--Am I actively listening?
Very good question. Most PTSD sufferers feel isolated, misunderstood, alienated. Are you really listening to your partner? Are you catching the cues on his/her body language, behavioral patterns, etc? Better yet, are you really listening to yourself?
--Am I communicating in my partner's preferred style?
First, what is your partner's preferred style? Do they shut you out then open up later? Or do they see an issue and immediately address it? Whatever the style, communication cannot occur without the possibility of an undesired reaction or result. How you handle YOURSELF is up to you.
--Are we taking each other for granted?
Why do you feel you are being taken for granted? How do you react to being taken for granted? Are you taking the symptoms of PTSD for granted by not considering it as a factor in your partner's reaction and responses? Again, are you helping or hurting?
--Am I ignoring what I want?
Far too often, you read a post about someone at their wit's end, wanting a divorce or an end to the relationship. What do you really want? Not for the sufferer but for yourself? The only person who knows how much you can tolerate and what is good for you, is you. Make a choice and stick to it.
--Am I ignoring what my partner wants?
What is your partner saying? What is your partner doing to maintain or end the relationship? Are you forcing the relationship to continue due to obligations ie children, income, a romantic fantasy about what a family is/should be?
--Are we playing the "Who's right and who's wrong" game?
Most times, I know I am wrong immediately upon committing an offense. But I've caught myself saying " because you did or didn't do this, I did this". Wrong! Everyone has a choice. Deal/don't deal, blame/don't blame, react negatively/react positively/don't react, help or hurt. Does it matter who is right and who is wrong? Can an argument be dropped? Can you both say "OK, we aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this, let's agree to disagree" ? If the offending party shows or feels no remorse, must you push the issue just to prove you are right? Again, helping or hurting?
--Am I being aggressive or assertive?
In the past, as a sufferer I didn't know the difference. Are you being aggressive at demanding your wants or are you being assertive with what is acceptable/what isn't and sticking to it?
--How can we negotiate a "win/win" solution?
A win/win solution can only be attained when both parties are willing to compromise on the issues. An effort must be seen in order for it to work. One person who is destructive in the relationship, and the other person tolerating it, is not a win/win. It is a losing situation and unhealthy relationship.
--What kind of relationship can we create?
What kind of relationship do you want? What can the both of you do to strengthen your alliance? Decide on what you want to create together and take notes if you have to.
I hope I've provided some insight.
Best Wishes,
Lily
--Am I buying in to romantic fantasies?
Look at the reality of your situation. PTSD does not have a cure nor does it go away. For those whose partners are treating PTSD: Symptoms do get better for the sufferer with time and effort, but demanding or forcing normalcy is a high expectation and most times, counterproductive, inflicting pressure on the sufferer. For those whose partners have untreated PTSD: With out treatment, how can you expect anything different than what you are seeing now? Your love cannot fix the sufferer, nor can your patience. Yes, it aids in the healing process if willing but it isn't the cure.
--Do I expect love to make me happy?
Sure it is comforting to know that someone loves you, but do you expect it to make you happy all the time? The act of love can make you miserable, but abuse and blatant disregard for your emotions are unacceptable. Do you expect love to make things better?
--Am I basing my self-worth on being loved?
I have read too many posts from carers indicating a pre-existing low self esteem and co-dependency issues. Far too often, they are frazzled and confused, and feel unloved. At the end of the day, does it matter that the sufferer is distant and unable to show love? Do you feel like you have failed yourself/the sufferer when love isn't reciprocated? Are you loving yourself?
--Do I need or only want love?
Answer this question truthfully. Do you need another person's love to live day to day? Or do you want love? What kind of love do you want? Are you getting that kind of love?
--Are we pushing each other's buttons?
Are you trying to manipulate or force a desired reaction? When you threaten to end the relationship are you serious or are you trying to get a turn around in the sufferer's attitude towards you? Do the things you say and do, help or hurt the situation with each other?
--Am I actively listening?
Very good question. Most PTSD sufferers feel isolated, misunderstood, alienated. Are you really listening to your partner? Are you catching the cues on his/her body language, behavioral patterns, etc? Better yet, are you really listening to yourself?
--Am I communicating in my partner's preferred style?
First, what is your partner's preferred style? Do they shut you out then open up later? Or do they see an issue and immediately address it? Whatever the style, communication cannot occur without the possibility of an undesired reaction or result. How you handle YOURSELF is up to you.
--Are we taking each other for granted?
Why do you feel you are being taken for granted? How do you react to being taken for granted? Are you taking the symptoms of PTSD for granted by not considering it as a factor in your partner's reaction and responses? Again, are you helping or hurting?
--Am I ignoring what I want?
Far too often, you read a post about someone at their wit's end, wanting a divorce or an end to the relationship. What do you really want? Not for the sufferer but for yourself? The only person who knows how much you can tolerate and what is good for you, is you. Make a choice and stick to it.
--Am I ignoring what my partner wants?
What is your partner saying? What is your partner doing to maintain or end the relationship? Are you forcing the relationship to continue due to obligations ie children, income, a romantic fantasy about what a family is/should be?
--Are we playing the "Who's right and who's wrong" game?
Most times, I know I am wrong immediately upon committing an offense. But I've caught myself saying " because you did or didn't do this, I did this". Wrong! Everyone has a choice. Deal/don't deal, blame/don't blame, react negatively/react positively/don't react, help or hurt. Does it matter who is right and who is wrong? Can an argument be dropped? Can you both say "OK, we aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this, let's agree to disagree" ? If the offending party shows or feels no remorse, must you push the issue just to prove you are right? Again, helping or hurting?
--Am I being aggressive or assertive?
In the past, as a sufferer I didn't know the difference. Are you being aggressive at demanding your wants or are you being assertive with what is acceptable/what isn't and sticking to it?
--How can we negotiate a "win/win" solution?
A win/win solution can only be attained when both parties are willing to compromise on the issues. An effort must be seen in order for it to work. One person who is destructive in the relationship, and the other person tolerating it, is not a win/win. It is a losing situation and unhealthy relationship.
--What kind of relationship can we create?
What kind of relationship do you want? What can the both of you do to strengthen your alliance? Decide on what you want to create together and take notes if you have to.
I hope I've provided some insight.
Best Wishes,
Lily
