Sinking Ship?

[Antidote]

I don't really know where to start, I've been in a great relationship for the past almost 4 years now. Last year we moved in together with my son and although we've had our share of problems, well mainly my problems, I'm the happiest I've ever been in life (also the most stable time I've ever had in my life). He's even been really good about giving me space and being careful about what he does so he doesn't set off a flashback or panic attack when I'm having a hard time dealing with my past...up until recently.

For the past almost month I've been having a hard time with nightmares, then add to that my cup being overfilled by the complications of life and conflict after conflict with everything (basically its a cup floating in a sea of water at this point) and I haven't been able to be intimate with my boyfriend in that long. It started out with my anxiety flaring up when we got past anything other than kissing, but now I even have a hard time even cuddling with him.

He's been really nice about it and has tried his best to not let it affect us but he's just been bottling everything and shut down communication. Today everything came to a head and we finally got to discuss things (as hard as it might be, I'm glad he's being open with me again) and he feels like there's no compermise that we can reach where both our needs are met in this area. I'm at a loss of ideas too...(He's not accepting of the idea to find sex outside of our relationship)

He also has paranoia issues about people using and taking advantage of him, not really liking him for him, so our whole problem is also making that worse. I try to do little things that show him I still love him, like while he's playing his game I'll cuddle his back and give him little kisses on the back of his neck or bring him home something he'll find really cool or would really like while I'm out shopping, but its not working.

Now we're both questioning if we should end the relationship. Part of me thinks that yeah, I'm a complete defect and he deserves someone without problems, the other part just can't stand to let my past affect and destroy another relationship

 

[Deleted member 1860]

People say this to me and I want to punch them (well, mainly its because they say this to me when I'm in a bad spot and saying the things that you do and don't want to see it any other way), but yes, everyone has "problems" of one type or another. I think the fairytale relationship exists only on TV and in the movies. MOST of us have issues of one type or another. And MOST of us will go through some sort of struggle along the way. If everyone jumped ship, there would be less than 100 actual relationships in all of America, lol. (And those would be pretty boring ones at that!)

Are you in therapy? Is couples therapy an option? I think that if you want a shot at this relationship surviving, you both need to be seeking outside help.

 

[Antidote]

I was in therapy before but I stopped going once it was no longer mandatory because it wasn't a good fit. I brought up the idea of me maybe trying another therapist, and although he says if I want to he'd be supportive and try to help but he finds that these stints are alot more frequent when in therapy for me. I don't know if there's any free couples therapy where I live but I will definetly look it up.

Thank you for the advice Solara

 

[Friday]

Is it just sex, or any kind of physical contact?

I know I personally don't feel loved unless I'm regularly all but squashed flat by my friends/partners. Outside of sexual contact (I don't get frisky with my friends) there's:

- Seating (I tend to sprawl over people / b prefer it more when they're sprawled over me)
- Holding hands, arms over shoulders, and other points of contact whilst moving (including friendly kicks, bumps, etc.)
- Golden Retriever style greetings (arms thrown around, jumped on, etc.)
- Touch in passing (trail hand over shoulderblades, or head rub, or whatever when walking by)
- Sharing work space
- Dancing
- Snapping towels, tossing things, and other 2nd degree contact

If your beaux is as touchy-feely as I am, while nixing sex is difficult to handle, it's the rough housing and overtly "in my space" loss of contact that kills me. It makes me feel like I'm gross/ unwanted/ unloved if there is a general "one arm's distance" between me and the people I love. It doesn't matter how much physical affection I'm getting from others. It's a very directed thing. Do they want to be sprawled out over me? If not? Even if it's something like sunburn? I still take it as "they hate me".