Skipping The Holidays?

[Forgetful]

@SunflowerHoney wow, that's ALOT of people!!! There is absolutely NO WAY I'd be able to go. My anxiety went straight up just by reading that

 

[scout86]

Sounds like Christmas might be a good time for the 2 of you to go away somewhere on your own for a few days. Maybe a nice quiet Christmas in Vegas? "Sorry Mom, we've got plans"?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I went through 16 years of being judged, mistreated, and made to feel uncomfortable with my ex-partner's family, and was manipulated by mine on every level. I agree 100% with Friday's assessment that when you marry - you leave your FOO and cleave to the family you make with your partner. I felt betrayed, at the very least, by my partner and my family. I was greatly harmed by trying to be a people-pleaser, and I own it. Yes, I was the "doormat" she describes in my family as well as with him and for his family. Families are a boatload of dysfunction, even without trauma on board. I have found that it is easier for me not to expect others to get or respect my issues.

If I were to marry, then that would be another story. He and I would have a conversation before we could marry as it a part of who I am, no matter where I am at in my recovery. While I applaud your husband for trying at this point in the relationship to make sense of this and understand, it may take him a good long while to get him where you need for him to be, and a great deal of patience and love on your end. It also seems he has communications issues with his parents that he needs to work out himself as well. I have always found that it seems to work better when I am true to myself first, last, and always, regardless of whatever is in play.

On a more positive note, have you thought of building a family of choice where you live? I went to a friends' houses for Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, and it was so chilled out and enjoyable. This Thanksgiving I went to a friend's house and it was kind of scary (20 people, lots of squealing tweens), but in the end, although I was nervous, I felt welcomed. I also feel sad at the same time as I have to face and deal with the reality of my FOO and my history, and where it's brought me to. It isn't worth re-traumatizing yourself to please others. Take care and know that a lot of people understand what you're dealing with. PTSD or not, families are often difficult to be with around the holidays as old dynamics come into play. It's like they don't want to get that we're not all 10 years old and we don't have to act like it now either, i.e. we make choices for ourselves and about our lives. To me, often times it comes down to boundaries with others and ourselves. Hoping some of this ramble made sense and that you find a solution that works for you. VB

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I went through something very similar with my husband and his family. My therapist told me that he had torn loyalities and I was the bad guy that stood up to his dad and after while, we decided to celebrate our holidays at our house.

If your husband is in marriage counseling with you and reading then he is trying to understand and mabe it will take him a while to ge it.

I do understand how frustrating it can be and my heart goes out to you. I had to stand up to his bullying dad so many times without my husbands support except grudgingly and eventually the old man developed a grudging respect for me we became very close with each other. I hope this helps out in some way.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

@Snafu, yes that's a lot of people!

@scout86, Going away is totally what we would do if we had my way! And if we could afford it! But he wants to see his bro who lives in New Orleans. He and his wife and kids only come around a couple times a year.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I was greatly harmed by trying to be a people-pleaser

Thank you for all of your words. Trying to please everyone is so terribly damaging! Unfortunately, that's how I survived my childhood and I am struggling to learn better ways fro myself. It's very difficult. Also...to make things even harder...my illness has cost me all of my local friendships. Neither of us has local friends anymore. We've both been through a lot the past few years and find it hard to become close to anyone. Trust issues... But I have had the Friends Holidays in the past and it was great. I hope to have that again someday.

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. Thank you again for sharing supporting.

 

[scout86]

Going away is totally what we would do if we had my way! And if we could afford it! But he wants to see his bro who lives in New Orleans. He and his wife and kids only come around a couple times a year.

I'll bet Christmas in New Orleans would be nice...... (maybe next year?)

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I went through something very similar with my husband and his family. My therapist told me that he had torn loyalities and I was the bad guy that stood up to his dad and after while, we decided to celebrate our holidays at our house.

Torn loyalties sounds right. It's hard to navigate. And yeah, his method of communicating with his parents is to not communicate with them . I think it will take awhile...

I'll bet Christmas in New Orleans would be nice

Heavenly....