It was my birthday last weekend and our whole family had a picnic between soccer games at the field, my oldest plays. We also had a small gathering the night before. I had asked that we delay celebrations until after the tournament because I knew the stress involved in dragging 3 younger kids around the field....they don't love it. Anyway, my request was denied.....he felt it had to be on that day and it had to be a picnic. I love picnics that are romantic and quiet.....all the kids around makes it work! Nice thought but I could see the train coming down the tracks. It didn't go well. He ended up just staring at his phone most of the time. So, last game ends after 6pm. He has taken the rest of the kids home much earlier as planned and it's just my oldest and I. We're 1.5 hours from home. Puts us there for around 7:30, maybe a little sooner. She asks to eat so we stop at a place that's usually quick, I'm tired. Well, it's not quick and we get home at 8:30. And.....he flips. He feels i only care about my daughter, I let everyone else down, they had all these great things they were doing for me, my little one sat on the porch for an hour etc. I stayed pretty calm and asked what we should do to move forward, I didn't know there were plans I was to be home for and we had already had a picnic. Flip out. Bottom line, he feels he doesn't matter to me. 7 days in and he is still not settled. 3 weeks ago my oldest drank the rest of the milk. It was a 4 day event on how I don't care about anyone but her. I had to buy a car.....mine is about to fall apart and of course since my birthday just passed plates an detest are due so it's decision time. We talked over all the scenarios, agreed on what made the most sense, I told him I was going Thursday, I stopped to sign the papers and flip out again. We should be doing these things together and I probably didn't do it right etc (admittedly I am not a car person) but it's a brand new car, 4wd etc. not much room to screw up right? Aside from we discussed it. Then he starts checking my browser history and I get challenged on that. So, I delete it. Well, now I am keeping secrets and this is the new tone of the relationship - secret keeping is ok. You can imagine the field day a PTSD sufferer will have with that one. We were supposed to camp this weekend. I told him to go ahead, I can't handle the constant scrutiny and I am not going to be 'managed' so he'll be spending more time alone if he doesn't find his own safety and leave me alone. He's gone...all I feel is relief . The kids are all gone too, his with him, mine are with their dad and to friends. I am even down to one dog in the house. This is heaven :). I am going eat shitty food and sew all weekend. Self care here I come. Ok. So the food is not self care but it will help my feelings so I am going with it.
So.....often I hear about isolating. We face that, but as he becomes more reliant on me I find the opposite is happening. He wants me right here all the time. He wants everything to be predictable and when it isn't he turns to me for the solution, which is usually about how I 'need' to be more available. He was abused severely by his mothers boyfriends and then she left him for a year with one of them. I could go on forever about my disgust for her but that's another post. Point is, attachment issues are severe and I am now the mother in many ways.
I am suffocating. My oldest daughter is a huge source of jealousy, although he loves her very much and is very very supportive of her. I think she reminds him of himself so while he hurts over my closeness to her versus him he feels tremendous empathy for her. It's complex. She's doesn't see it, she adores him, it all comes to me so she is safe. Another trigger is I am the higher earner, I have always done a lot for myself as I was a single mom for years and have built a career and financial security all on my own. I travel a lot for work, am going on 2 trips this year without him (one with just him, one with the whole family and two with my oldest daughter to do missionary work, so 4 all together). These qualities are very appealing in the beginning, but now he's feeling not needed and in his world,need is the basis for a relationship. In my world want is the basis. He wants me, I want him but he feels I don't need him and he needs me. Oy. Feels like such a mess.
I am working very hard at boundaries and not getting sucked in, but 7 days and I lose it sometimes. And it's not 7 days of isolation, it's 7 days at me. Why don't you care about me, You don't want a partner you just want to be on your own, you only care about oldest, you are doing this to me, you put us here, I can't handle a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be together. Etc, so, it's not violent or even aggressive for the most part (until I lose it to get him to back off) but it is absolutely exhausting and emotionally crippling. Can anyone else relate to this? I am really feeling alone and isolated with these behaviours. Looking forward to seeing my counsellor on Tuesday, and getting out of the house for a couple nights for a conference next week.
So.....often I hear about isolating. We face that, but as he becomes more reliant on me I find the opposite is happening. He wants me right here all the time. He wants everything to be predictable and when it isn't he turns to me for the solution, which is usually about how I 'need' to be more available. He was abused severely by his mothers boyfriends and then she left him for a year with one of them. I could go on forever about my disgust for her but that's another post. Point is, attachment issues are severe and I am now the mother in many ways.
I am suffocating. My oldest daughter is a huge source of jealousy, although he loves her very much and is very very supportive of her. I think she reminds him of himself so while he hurts over my closeness to her versus him he feels tremendous empathy for her. It's complex. She's doesn't see it, she adores him, it all comes to me so she is safe. Another trigger is I am the higher earner, I have always done a lot for myself as I was a single mom for years and have built a career and financial security all on my own. I travel a lot for work, am going on 2 trips this year without him (one with just him, one with the whole family and two with my oldest daughter to do missionary work, so 4 all together). These qualities are very appealing in the beginning, but now he's feeling not needed and in his world,need is the basis for a relationship. In my world want is the basis. He wants me, I want him but he feels I don't need him and he needs me. Oy. Feels like such a mess.
I am working very hard at boundaries and not getting sucked in, but 7 days and I lose it sometimes. And it's not 7 days of isolation, it's 7 days at me. Why don't you care about me, You don't want a partner you just want to be on your own, you only care about oldest, you are doing this to me, you put us here, I can't handle a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be together. Etc, so, it's not violent or even aggressive for the most part (until I lose it to get him to back off) but it is absolutely exhausting and emotionally crippling. Can anyone else relate to this? I am really feeling alone and isolated with these behaviours. Looking forward to seeing my counsellor on Tuesday, and getting out of the house for a couple nights for a conference next week.
