So Alone, I Am My Own Abuser

[Loner]

I feel so completely alone right now. No one has ever loved me, except maybe my grandmother but I was never really around her much. I've never had anyone to be there for me or comfort me.

I am so hard on myself. Really I should be feeling happier these days. I have accomplished so much. In the past couple months I've quit smoking pot, quit drinking alcohol, started volunteering teaching adults to read, gone from living in filth i would be embarrassed to let a woman see to living in a fairly clean somewhat organized apartment, started playing open mic nights a few times which terrifies me, I have been connecting a tiny bit on a superficially friendly level with one of my roomates more, I even went on a date with a girl I met volunteering, even if she hasn't called me back about going out again except to text that shes too busy. Really I should be proud of myself and happy that I am making real progress getting over my issues. All I feel for myself is self hatred, how weak I am, how worthless I am for not having a job or career at age 27, I constantly tell myself all the things my family told me, that I am ugly as a person, weird, no one will like me, nothing I can do will ever be good enough for anyone, no one is ever going to want to be around me, that I will fail at everything I try including careers. Sometimes I can hear my brothers voice inside my head telling me these things.

The only time I feel any amount of self love at all is when I break down crying I feel so sad because it wasnt my fault how they treated me and that i was a good son and tried my best to make them happy and I didnt deserve their constant scorn and abuse.

I never used to think of suicide, I always just knew I was too strong for that but I am just so sick of hurting, I am so sick of trying so hard and being so alone and unfulfilled.

I don't even know why I'm posting this here, some support from people online is great, but it isnt real, it doesnt get me any closer to having anyone in real life care about me, no one here even knows me, they just know my issues.


I would love to have someone really care about me, to be there for me to comfort me like my parents should of but I would be so glad to just have people to hang out with and do anything with.

 

[Loner]

Really, how weak am I, that I need kind words from strangers on the internet just to keep from killing myself? Am I really that weak? No, I am not that weak. Why do I sometimes think I am then? Why do I feel that NEED for some form of approval or comfort. No one will ever give it the way I really want it, the way a father should, the way a mother should. Why do I torture myself so much looking for that, hoping and praying and searching for it every day? This obsession distracts me from everything else in my life, all the beauty I might open myself up to. Its why that girl hasn't called me back, because I was wierd on her date, not because I am a bad or unlovable person, but because I was so busy anylizing the chances that she will possibly truly love me to let myself just have fun hanging out with her. I will never ever have that kind of love from anyone, no matter what, it just isnt going to happen. That isnt a reflection of my value as a human being, thats just a fact. I wish I could just accept that, it would be so freeing. I don't know what I am so afraid of, why can't I let that desire for parental love approval and encouragement go? I'll always feel that hole in my heart but if I could somehow just stop hoping for it all the time maybe I could feel free, and even happy sometimes.

 

[intothelight]

Loaner,

You have made some fantastic progress in the past few months. Really, you are doing everything right, and the more you socialize, the more people you will get to know. Over time you will find yourself making more friends and having meaningful relationships.

It is difficult to handle the reality of parental neglect/abuse. Even as you address it, you still need to permit yourself to grieve. There was nothing wrong with you, but there is something fundamentally wrong with a parent who does not love and nurture their own child.

Recognizing that you are your own worst critic is a major step in learning to change. You really are doing a good job in working on healing. Sometimes it is hard to see where we are going, until we look back and see how far we have come.

Deb

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Loner, I really feel for you. My heart goes out to you. You are going to have to be the good parent to your inner child and give that child all of the good things you never got as a child growing up.

I hear your pain and anguish, and your loneliness. As a child you did not get the good stuff of life. But you are changing your life and I applaud your efforts. You have changed so much. You seem to be desperately needy and this can scare some people away. I was desperately needy too.

You do not know what is around the corner for you. There is good stuff waiting for you. You will find it. I am sorry the date did not develop into anything else. She was not right for you. You will find someone. You are working very hard on yourself and there will be rewards. You will be ok, it will turn out ok. One way or another it will all be ok. Take care of yourself. I really feel your hurt. You were very brave to be so honest. Hang in there and do not give up. Big cyber hugs.

 

[Loner]

Thank you both. As much as I don't believe online interactions should be looked at as substitutes for the real thing, both your comments meant a lot to me. I broke down crying all over again when I read them, but thats really a good thing for me now.

Its still so hard I just don't know how to socialize. At the last open mic night I just left afterwards when everyone was talking to each other. It just seems like everyone already knew each other, and I was the weird loner no one wanted to talk to, but I am sure some people were talking to strangers too. It just seems so overwhelming and alien to approach these people and engage them in conversation but I guess thats what socializing is, its not like I have anything to lose.

 

[Loner]

Yesterday I felt so happy, still lonely but content and so hopeful and excited about my future, I dont know what happened but today I'm right back to feeling worthless and hopelessly alone. I just feel so desperately needy that I just wish I had someone to talk to to make me feel less alone, I don't know why I can't just feel ok with being alone I know that obsessing about it only hurts me and limits my ability to connect with people naturally. Tomorrow night I'm going to go play at an open mic. I'm less scared to play than to try and talk to people afterwards and maybe try and exchange numbers with people that seem like theyd be cool to play music with.

I think I might have it figured out. Last week I cried and cried so much, I never let myself go there and feel the pain and grieve for my inner child. I did last week, and I think as a result, I was able to feel some love for myself, without needing anything from outside of myself to make me feel ok with who I am which allowed me to feel love for myself yesterday whiel actually feeling happy. Usually I only feel love for myself when I am sad, the two go hand in hand for me. Somehow that went away, I'm not sure how, but I think if I can grieve some more, and let myself cry and feel sad, perhaps it will let me forgive myself more and come to terms with never having any parental love a little bit, and I will feel less needy.

This is so hard. Last week it felt so easy to let myself really grieve because crying for my childhood was the only time I could feel love for myself, they kind of go together. THen yesterday I managed to feel love for myself while actually being HAPPY for once, and now I need to go there again but it is just so f*cking hard after feeling tha thappiness I just do not want to let myself feel that pain again.