Relationship So confused

[Sar]

hi there,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and he has mentioned to me that he was neglected during childhood. Recently, his mother had both breasts removed due to cancer, but his parents failed to tell him about it. Then his brother threatened to 'knock his teeth out' amongst other insults because he refused to give him money for drugs. Now he cannot see his own nieces due to this longstanding ordeal. More and more he has been slipping away from me, he revealed to me a couple of weeks ago that 'all this stuff to do with mum is resurfacing' and that he feels like he is running away from his own body, feels disconnected and like he doesn't belong, he asked me about identity as Im finishing a psychology degree.. asked me about escapism.. he then pulled sheets over his head as he didn't want to cry infront of me.

So I cried about my childhood instead, which he was very thankful for. Since then, he has been much more distant. His work is very stressful as a director, organising reports and conferences. He told me has been exhausted and cannot concentrate on anything and will talk to me this week. I tried calling him though to see how his conference went, and I miss him.. but he didn't answer. That's the first time he hasn't answered my phone call. Still haven't heard from him.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I fear he is having another flashback.. but a bad one, considering all the stressors with his dysfunctional family and his stressful job.

I should point out that once I asked why he was so distant during sex, he said he was trying to integrate his inner and outer worlds.. and another time he told me he felt like he was 'avoiding' something..he also has a very strong startle reaction to touch but this depends on the day..

Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks

 

[anthony]

Sorry to hear. You can read that and begin ticking boxes towards the outcome, he is now avoiding you to remove a stressor from his overwhelmed life.

I would shoot for a two fold approach here:

1. Let him know that avoiding you, or pushing you way, is a normal symptom of trauma and stress, but will only cause worse symptoms if continued, and
2. Will he go to some couples therapy, which may get him talking to a therapist to lead into his own therapy / cement home that prioritising his stressors should not start with pushing away his strongest support mechanism (i.e. his partner).

He may respond that you doing a psychology degree, that you can help him, but you of all people would know you're too close and trying to psychoanalyse him and intervene will only make your relationship worse, towards destruction.

I know why we do it. Why we push away partners when developing symptoms. But after the fact, it is the totally wrong move to make. It seems like the easiest stressor to shift when symptoms spike, trying to make room in our daily stress cup, and that is what really needs to be hammered home to him. It will additionally be the most regrettable later, and one that can't be taken back.

 

[Spacecadetess]

Thanks Anthony, good advice. I will read the stress cup explanation.

He has always been so interested in my study. I guess it takes conversation off him as I can talk the socks off many. Plus he is a big introvert. However, I have recently realised I cannot help him, which is hard because I feel I can..but I do not understand what it is like to walk in his shoes everyday...

I just heard back from him, but his message was very short. Just formal and basic.. no more kisses. I do not know if I should reply, I just do not know what he needs from me. If I don't reply will I be further punished? If I reply will it be too much..

 

[Spacecadetess]

By the way my name has changed as I just registered

 

[anthony]

I do not know if I should reply, I just do not know what he needs from me. If I don't reply will I be further punished? If I reply will it be too much.

I wouldn't reply with feelings... put it that way. Me personally, I would ask him. Very short, something simply: I know you're stressed and don't want to stress you further. When will I see you next?

That's about it. Most things you probably want to talk about, you should do in person, whether over dinner, watching a movie, in bed laying together, whatever you deem works best for you both. Anyone with developing PTSD symptoms, will feel more stressed the more texts or phone messages you leave, to the point each one will literally push a person further away into avoiding you.

Short, sharp, too the point, is what often works best with highly stressed persons. When in person... then broaden it when you can read him and know whether to push or stop, for yourself. Text conversations usually just make things worse.

 

[Spacecadetess]

Thanks a lot for the advice. I really appreciate it.