Undiagnosed So Gorram Lost And Upside Down

[HollowOne]

Really needing to vent right now and just have people listen.
I will give a brief (unlikely) background.
In early 2015, I discovered my wife had been engaging in a sexting relationship with another man (this man being the long-term boyfriend of one my wife's closest friends). I confronted her and I thought things were over and we were mending. In August 2015, after a long day out with the family at an amusement park, we got home just before midnight to discover my daughter had wet her bed the previous night and not told us (I.e. so we could get wash moving through). My wife was livid. I had to step in between my wife and my daughter. My wife was sniping comments and yelling at my daughter whenever she had a chance. I was trying to salvage what had been a good day. At the tail end of the argument, my wife started hitting me. When I pointed it out to her what she was doing in her rage, she continued. I asked if I needed to call the cops. Her response was "if you want to destroy our marriage, go ahead". I didn't call. She stopped.
Still trying to move on from that and work things out (I'm a glutton, I guess). In late September 2015 I finally open up to a friend. He had been my friend for over 20 years. I tell him about the sexting relationship (and that was actually the SECOND time). I tell him about my wife hitting me. I pour my heart out to him.
On November 30, 2015, he was laid off. So I took him out drinking. Paid for everything. Drove him home. On the morning of December 1, 2015, I discover he had been texting my wife... both of them using pseudonyms on their phones. It has already been going on for a few weeks.
They immediately try to convince me NOTHING had been going on. He told his wife about the texting and convinced her everything was cool. I confronted my friend. Told him how I couldn't trust him now. He apologized. But they kept texting.
Come Feb 2016, a week before Valentines day, my wife and I tried to go on a date. During the date, in public, at the table in the restaurant, my wife started to lay into me about how unromantic I am, how she is stuck with me, and how I should feel bad for her because of how I am not meeting her demands.... I was crushed. I felt it all die there.
We agreed to separate a week later... Valentines day 2016
by April 2016, she had an affair with my friend. He cheated on his wife. They had gotten pregnant. She miscarried.
By late July 2016, she was pregnant again. This one is still gestating. This pregnancy is will come to term/be viable.

We are still living together as we sort out the separation agreement/divorce.
The baby is due in March
My wife and I have two children together. We tried for 8 years to have a third. We had two miscarriages. One at 6 weeks. one at 13 weeks.
she plans to deliver at home. In the very same room where I saw my baby die.

I've been seeing a therapist. It is helping some.

But I've noticed a new thing in me... its happened now four times. All since she told me she was pregnant again. I've been "seeing" betrayal everywhere. I see a group of my friends and assume they are plotting against me. I think I hear a half truth in something they say and grill them about it. I've been lashing out at the people who have been my greatest supporters through all of this. I even had one of my better friends /coworkers leave my office shaking and crying because I THOUGHT she might have said something to someone else. I go into these fits of anger and accusation and paranoia... and I am conscious of it. And I think this is the absolutely correct course of action. These people deserve my anger and they will accept every last bit of it. They are hurting me and I will not accept it. Then when its done, its like a light turns on and I am left to see I just shouted at a friend or coworker. And I feel terrible.

I understand this anger and those reactions are what I am feeling for my soon to be ex wife and my former friend.

I don't know what to do when I feel these come on. I closed myself off on the last episode. I felt it come on and stopped talking to everyone. And I found this place.

I am hoping really for sympathetic ears. Just a space to talk. and to be heard.

Thank you

 

[ladee]

I heard you.
Welcome. Glad you found us.

 

[MoonOwl]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. This is devastating. I'm very glad you are seeing a therapist. In reading your post two things came to mind: Maya Angelou's quote: "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them." So often we only see what we want to see in people and we roll over until the next crisis. Believe me, most everyone has had to learn this the hard way. The second thing is that domestic violence affects many, many men who have a much harder time dealing with it than women due to our cultural norms. Nobody should be hitting you - ever. That's assault and that's abuse. You have every right to be outraged at that. Violence is never an option - never. Just because the person you chose to speak to about it turned out to be part of a betrayal, shouldn't stop you from talking about it.
Considering what you've been through, I'd be surprised if you weren't seeing betrayal everywhere. I wouldn't worry about this. It seems like a side effect of the trauma you've experienced and make no mistake, you've experienced trauma. You have some decisions to make. I hope those decisions are made to benefit you and your children. Hope you have an attorney. Blessings,

 

[Friday]

Dear god in heaven, move the hell OUT of that house!

Seriously. Take the girls, rent an apartment, file for divorce, get into the routines of your new life. ASAP. Yesterday. Single highest priority to be to start your new life with your kids. If you have PTSD starting your new life won't be a cure to moving on from your old life, but it will let you begin to move forward. To be dealing with your PTSD in your new life, instead of trying to deal with your PTSD in a parody of your old life.

 

[HollowOne]

Thank you all for the ears and the support. It is undoubtedly what I needed. I felt an episode starting here at work which prompted me to find this site. It is beyond comforting to feel heard, Ladee, thank you. It is exactly what I needed.

MoonOwl, thank you. It is a very confusing, unsettling thing to contemplate what I allowed to happen. I've only in hindsight been able to see what her behavior really was - abuse. And thank you for validating my sense that this IS a trauma (a continuing one until I can get myself out). I've been making every effort to get out there and continue to talk about all of the issues. I find it ironic, actually, that my response to the betrayal has been to open myself up to more people than I had in the past. On the whole, it has been a rather warm reception. I am just now starting the work on these new reactions I am having. And I hope they don't interfere too greatly with my keeping new friends.

Friday, I've got a place lined up. I've served her with divorce papers and we are in the process now. The children will in all likelihood remain in the house with their mother. Their lives will be upended as is. This will allow them to retain the house they grew up in, the friends they grew up with, the neighborhood they've known their whole lives. Putting them through a protracted legal battle will, IMHO, do much more damage to them. I want their lives' to be as undisrupted as possible. In two years, I will have paid off most of my debt, and when alimony ends, I will be able to get a place where the kids could be with me when they get older (if they so choose). I am trying to stay focused on them and play a long game. But, yes. You are 100% correct. I need to move out of the house. I feel myself falling apart.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support.

 

[MoonOwl]

Hollow One, I have been where you are. Take heart, these are the miserable circumstances that give us the impetus to grow as humans and to seek out the parts of ourselves that we have neglected. I think you're seeing this in that you acknowledge that "my response to the betrayal has been to open myself up to more people than I had in the past."

Many years later and happily married for twenty-seven years now, I can see just how that experience changed me, made me stronger and more able to stand in my own power. It was horrible - really horrible and I'd never wish it on anyone nor would I want to go through it again but I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing because it helped to shape the person I am today. I survived and thrived. My baby (now 37) survived and thrived.

Having worked as a paralegal, let me give you one piece of advice: Once lawyers are involved, things tend to get "messy" because suddenly it feels like "war" and you're always wondering what the "enemy" is up to. In the decade or so that I worked on matrimonials, I can count on one hand the number of couples who actually managed to work things out between themselves for the benefit of their children and themselves. The problem is, you are asking the court to do this on your behalf and the court will but it will be many dollars and much time and grief later. There is an old saying, "Justice is served when both parties walk out of court unhappy."

Many jurisdictions now offer mediation for free. Ask your lawyer about this. It's not always possible given the vitriol between the parties but when possible, it's a good direction to go in because the parties iron everything out and the lawyers just do the necessary paperwork and the judge then just stamps it. Under any circumstances, it feels better to come to agreements than to have things rammed down your throat or to have to pay the lawyers tons of money in Show Cause Orders, letters, phone calls, etc.

Of course, what gets in the way of this ability to pull off good faith bargaining is the bad feelings/behaviors that culminated in the divorce in the first place that's why I saw so few...

I can tell that your children are your first priority and that's as it should be. She might suck as a wife, but if she's a good mom, you're right, kids need their mom on a daily basis. Kids need their dads too, they need to know that dad loves them and that there's always a place for them wherever he is. Kids should never hear a bad thing said about either parent. That's their mom and dad and they'll never have a another one - if there's one agreement you could come to with her - that's the most important. My daughter never heard a bad word about her dad from me even though she was eight months old and never saw him again. It's still her dad - if only in fantasy and that place in her head belongs to her not me. I'm very happy that I never "sullied" it although believe me, I could have...

Try staying in the positive energy - lots of people will love to "dish" about what a rotten person she is. This may or may not be true but the point is that that kind of negativity only brings you down to that level.

Best of luck, my friend. I'll keep you in my prayers.