So I Finally Told Someone...

[J.A.S.]

Someone knows now...I finally told.
I've been trying so hard to keep it in, the idea of anyone knowing makes me nauseous, but it was suffocating me..I had to tell someone.
I've been feeling so many different things since I told her...a little relief because...well, I'm not sure why. but she knows. I'm awful at trusting people, and part of me is waiting for this to backfire..for her to go running to my parents with what I told her while another part of me trusts that she won't tell anyone else, that she'll respect the fact I don't want anyone else to know.
Had a panic attack, driving home from telling her...had to pull over and wait it out. I'm feeling sick to my stomach, terrified, ashamed, and yet just a little bit relieved, because I finally said...something.
I couldn't say it..not the words, but she understood what I was trying to say, she understood how hard it was for me to even talk to her about it. I've known her for almost 10 years now, she knew about my bipolar, my past with self-harm when we were in high school together..and well, now about what happened. Well, the basics of it at least.
I'm scared this will change everything between us now...because now she knows. Whenever she looks at me now she'll see what happened to me. I hate that. I didn't want to tell anyone for a reason. They'll look at me and see what happened instead of just seeing me...it'll define me more than it already does. But there's no going back now...I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the fallout is..

 

[Deleted member 34424]

Talking about it = realizing and healing. Good for you!

 

[Changing4Best]

Are you in therapy? If not, I think my might benefit from it. Telling your story to a professional is very helpful, because they know what to do to help you. It seems you know you have been diagnosed with Bipolar. Have they diagnosed you with the PTSD too?

 

[Tinyflame]

How did she react @Inkless ?

 

[Stickler]

It doesn't define you at all. It defines him.

 

[J.A.S.]

@SheilaKathy No, I'm not in therapy right now. I'm working towards it, but nothing right now. I was diagnosed BP2 and PTSD a few years back by the doc I was seeing while I was in college.

@Junebug She was understanding. Like I said we've known each other for 10 years so she knows I suck when it comes to trusting people and talking about myself, especially the personal stuff. She wants me to find a therapist, of course...and I couldn't actually talk about it, I couldn't say details, but she figured it out, asked some basic yes/no questions. She says she's here for me.

@Stickler Agree to disagree?

 

[Nevermore]

Hi @Inkless
I do think it's great that you trusted a long time friend with your trauma, but I do hope you see a therapist!
It took me over 10 years to tell anyone of the events that derailed my life but if I could wind time back, I really wish I'd seen a therapist.
People talk. Even the best people. My secrets were soon not secret at all and I think the chosen few that I did talk to felt overwhelmed - which led to having to tell another etc
It left me feeling very vulnerable and exposed.
The beauty of therapy is it is totally confidential.
I don't know if I'm just projecting my own fears. But I read this and thought I should just say that. Might not relate to you at all.
And I still do think it's great that you opened up

 

[Stickler]

...I will agree to disagree...*raises eyebrow*...for now...

Eventually, I hope you can say it does not define you. It doesn't define you to me.

Your abuser? He has no remorse, he has no conscience, he doesn't want to pay for his actions...and he is beyond the pale of any caring I might have.
What he did defines him.
He's filth.

 

[J.A.S.]

I don't care about him, I don't make any excuses for what he did.. but his actions define me as well. He changed who I was... He took away who I could have been.. It's because of him I am who I am today...

 

[Freedomfighter]

Someone knows now...I finally told.
I've been trying so hard to keep it in, the idea of anyone knowing...

I tell tons of people about it in this group, that is good enough for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's awesome!


I remember the moment I first told my therapist whom is the first person that I told and today the only one that believes me and it was so scary! I felt like I was telling someone the biggest secert and felt so defeated when saying it but also felt so outside of myself.

I told him in a flat tone, a matter of fact. But the first time I said it, it was one of the biggest things I did. That's so hard to do and so very awesome!

People will react the way they do. I used to be so driven to make people believe me (those people were my family members) and why dont you believe me and just so devestated by each that didnt.

My therapist did his own cross examination questioning to see if any major detail would change (but in an ok way, like i didnt feel off put by it) and the details were rock solid. A few things that were fuzzy did but just advised they were fuzzy.

He told me that this is why people say "thats unbelieveable". That its just too awful to believe.

My step mom is getting that theres things i do that someone wouldnt do unless they've been through something like i went through and simetimes when she looks at me, i can tell that she is pittying me and i dont like it and try to explain things as well as i can but i cant control what she does or how she reacts, you know?

Im sorry, im not meaning to ramble. I do that way too much. I was just meaning to say that its really awesome you told, it takes a lot of strength to and to not worry so much on what shes thinking when she looks at you as you cant mind read, you know? And that its the best first steps ever!