Sometimes It Feels Overwhelming

[BlackbirdSinging]

Sometimes I feel everything. Sometimes I feel nothing. Sometimes it feels like everything is my fault. And sometimes it feels overwhelming. Right now it feels overwhelming. My son didn't like the movie. My mom yelled at me. My son stomped around the house. My daughter's flight is delayed and she's furious. And I feel like all of the things that come at me are balls I'm trying to juggle. Desperately.

And right now I'm laying here trying not to take my son's movie opinion personally. Really? Like I made the movie? And my mom started yelling at me. And I'm damn tired of trying to fight everything all at once.

Watch how I'm feeling. Balance my anxiety. Control my anger. Don't say the wrong things. Make everyone happy for the sake of keeping the peace. While inside I'm screaming and no one sees it. No one can hear me. I'm asking my family to READ something about PTSD to understand me. No I'm not weird. DAMN IT I'M TRAUMATIZED. Why won't anyone listen? Why can't anyone be there? I feel like I need more understanding from certain people in my family. And to feel less like a problem or a burden.

 

[Stickler]

(((HUG))) You are a blessing, even if they can't see that right now.

 

[hodge]

BBS, some people just are incapable of being there for us. I don't know if this is the case with your family. I exclude your kids, because their role is not to take care of you, but others? (And, you're right, don't take your kids' comments personally. They're kids.)

I'm so sorry you haven't found a way to move away from your mother. Have you maybe ever thought of moving to a small town maybe 100 or so miles away? Cost of living is usually much lower in small rural towns. I know it's hard if you don't know anyone, but it seems to me to be the best bet for getting out on your own and away from the abuse. Before I got together with my husband and ended up moving 1,000 miles away from my mother, that's exactly what I was starting to look into. I wanted to be far enough away that she couldn't just pop in whenever she felt like it, but that if something dire happened I wouldn't be too awful far away.

 

[Forgetful]

@BlackbirdSinging sorry you're going through all of that. Remember Breathe.

Feeling like everything is you're fault is just that ....a feeling. It's not true. Give yourself a break and be kind and gentle with yourself. I put myself in timeout today.

Now, I should follow my own suggestions. I'm in the same crappy place. Your whole post could've been written by me. Except I don't have a son.

Hang in there and know you're not alone. :hug:

 

[mamachick]

I often feel like you do, either criticized or just ignored...think Im becoming immune to it but not in a good way. Before ptsd, if everyone was happy with me, I knew I wasn't doing a good job of living...its how they are (kids, family, etc)
Can you be that voice of compassion and tell yourself, of course these things are not your fault? Something I need much practice with

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Thank you everyone. I literally feel like what the f*ck was the point of telling my family about something that happened to me. It was about the second sexual assault was when I was 7. Or do I call it molestation? I was 21 before I told my mom. I knew she might react badly. I absolutely didn't see the reaction she did have coming. Now I wonder what was the point of talking when I'm still alone with it anyway.

I asked my therapist about CPTSD if it were an actual diagnosis for me. She said it would be CPTSD with overlapping PTSD. How can I get my family to understand that when they don't read about PTSD? And when I explain triggers my mom says I "overreact". I just got done saying I can't control it. Or wait. My cousin she told me I have to get over this pstd thing. And yes that's what she called it. She told me I need to do some positive affirmations. I told her to assume that I don't is to be completely uniformed and inaccurate.

So, when I get like this? I get my mom's impatience. Wanting to know what's wrong with me. I could laugh. She doesn't know half of what I've been through.

In a little while my daughter will be here. She drinks which triggers me. My ex husband who is the father of my kids who committed suicide years ago was an alcoholic who was addicted to drugs and for most of his life he was undiagnosed bipolar. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Ya at one point there was something physical. And my goal was to keep my kids safe.

So, when she drinks or parties and I'm around I get triggered and very upset. I thought it would be helpful to sit some of the family down and tell them how a trigger works since I flipped about her drinking when she was here once. After a long discussion and what I thought was understanding days later my mom would nudge me and laugh winking at a party in front of everyone and say in regards to my daughter "unless she wants a drink".

 

[hodge]

The thing is, you can't make anyone else understand if they don't want to. When I told my mom I had it, she said she probably has it, too. Her husband left her (wonder why) and she knows what it's like to be traumatized, because of that, blah, blah, blag. If she truly did, she would not treat me the way she always has. She continually says things like that whenever I mention having PTSD. Although she hasn't the last few times. After 10 years of finding out and telling her, it might be finally getting through to her, but I'm not holding my breath. And I have probably only mentioned it to her about 5 times in these 10 years.

I'm sorry your mother doesn't take your concern about your daughter seriously, evidently. You just can't rely on some people.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I know you're right @hodge that I can't make people understand and I get that. It just makes me feel alone. Alone and misunderstood. I hate it when people just think I'm just being "weird". I guess I want and need them to understand the why of things. Why I jump at noises. Why when I'm triggered I get infuriated. Why loud noises and yelling and the dog's barking give me such a reaction.

I wish I felt like it was ok to go to my mom or my dad and try to express it when I'm in a flashback. In those moments I might need reassurance. I might need help getting grounded again. I feel like if I went to my mom she'd start off by trying to be compassionate and would end up losing her patience. And I feel like if I went to my dad my mom would get jealous. Sounds weird unfortunately it happens if I turn to my dad a lot. She'll make comments about "her" referring to me. Things like "you did that for HER" or "you didn't say that to me you said that to HER". Or even "don't ask me about it ask HER that's what you started to do anyway". Those are paraphrased things that she's said.

I just feel lately that apart from my therapist and one of my brothers like I'm doing all of this alone. I hate it. I need to talk to someone. It gets big and heavy sometimes and I feel like all I can do is smile politely out of social expectation and try to be "normal" for everyone else while there's like a deafening burning scream swelling inside of me. I sometimes feel like one day it's just going to explode out of me. And it's hard. I'm trying really hard to wrap my mind around a specific trauma that happened twice that almost killed me. It's taking me months. I need help with it.

 

[hodge]

I so understand that welling explosive feeling. I've been there. Believe me, you don't want to get to the exploding point. Has your T given any advice for getting that under control? My only suggestion is to get out of there because your living situation is piling more stress upon stress, at least emotionally. Ironically, I was just writing in my diary about how my mom would get mad when her mother gave me support.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom right now for your other issues. I'm suffering too, right now, too much. Ick. As my late beloved mother-in-law would say, we're a gruesome twosome. Sending :hug:s