I don't know if this is a type of depersonalisation...
Yep! Literally.
I shorthand
- Depersonalisation = I’m not real.
- Derealisation = The world isn’t real.
But it does/can get all kinds of subtle or exuberantly colourful, broadly or narrowly focused, reactive or habitual and highly trained.
Disassociation is all about adding DISTANCE. From ourselves, our thoughts/feelings/actions, our lives, others, the world at large. So feeling like a bystander? Is exactly that; distancing yourself from others. Like parts is distancing oneself from parts of themselves. To greater or lesser extent.
One of the things that helps me a lot is the curiosity / usefulness factor… IE if I’m kicking into dissociating when I don’t want to be? Taking the time to tilt my head and look at what’s going on. I clearly NEED distance, right now, so 1) Why? & 2) How can I go about it in a way that’s purposeful & directed (& ideally enjoyable & under my own direction).
^^^ So if I find myself NEEDING some distance from people? Or myself? Okay! How can we make this fun?!? (Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we all have to suck it up, but sometimes ain’t always. Recognizing I’m backing away as a reaction, let’s me back away on purpose, how I choose to, instead of blindly.).
I do have aspects that have crossed over into core belief territory (like “I’m a monster”; which possibly began/cut its teeth in distortion territory of labelling). Which is the same kind of distancing/disassociation that avoidance utilizes in “parts”, just globally, instead of in pieces; but somewhat more specific than “not human”. <<< I use(d) the same sort of curiosity/usefulness there, too. After all, there are maaaaaany kinds of monsters. And having a monster on side? Is a good thing. So I’m basically okay with it. But it took me awhile to get there. Curiosity is the crowbar. (Instead of fear, rage, despair, self pity, disgust, denial, etc.).