Do you sometimes feel you're not human?

[Ecdysis]

I don't know if this is a type of depersonalisation... If it is, it started very early for me, as far back as I can remember... From early childhood trauma.

I never really feel like I'm human. I feel like a bystander, watching all the other humans going about their business.

It's the same as watching animals, out in nature or in the zoo. I understand them and can sort of relate and can empathise... But it still feels like some other species.

It confuses me. I don't understand it or why it's like that or what to do about it.

 

[Friday]

I don't know if this is a type of depersonalisation...

Yep! Literally.

I shorthand

- Depersonalisation = I’m not real.
- Derealisation = The world isn’t real.

But it does/can get all kinds of subtle or exuberantly colourful, broadly or narrowly focused, reactive or habitual and highly trained.

Disassociation is all about adding DISTANCE. From ourselves, our thoughts/feelings/actions, our lives, others, the world at large. So feeling like a bystander? Is exactly that; distancing yourself from others. Like parts is distancing oneself from parts of themselves. To greater or lesser extent.

One of the things that helps me a lot is the curiosity / usefulness factor… IE if I’m kicking into dissociating when I don’t want to be? Taking the time to tilt my head and look at what’s going on. I clearly NEED distance, right now, so 1) Why? & 2) How can I go about it in a way that’s purposeful & directed (& ideally enjoyable & under my own direction).

^^^ So if I find myself NEEDING some distance from people? Or myself? Okay! How can we make this fun?!? (Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we all have to suck it up, but sometimes ain’t always. Recognizing I’m backing away as a reaction, let’s me back away on purpose, how I choose to, instead of blindly.).

I do have aspects that have crossed over into core belief territory (like “I’m a monster”; which possibly began/cut its teeth in distortion territory of labelling). Which is the same kind of distancing/disassociation that avoidance utilizes in “parts”, just globally, instead of in pieces; but somewhat more specific than “not human”. <<< I use(d) the same sort of curiosity/usefulness there, too. After all, there are maaaaaany kinds of monsters. And having a monster on side? Is a good thing. So I’m basically okay with it. But it took me awhile to get there. Curiosity is the crowbar. (Instead of fear, rage, despair, self pity, disgust, denial, etc.).

 

[Abstract]

Absolutely. I have always tended to this. I think Friday may be onto something. It reduced drastically after I had my dissociation more under my control. I say it feels like I was born as a human at that point. Not at all saying this would be the same for others, and people's dissociation varies drastically.

More than dissociation, I was able to manage certain things in my life. Self care, managing my boundaries, keeping myself safe, balancing rest and work and all sorts of things. Before that it felt like being a ship without a mast. As those and other things started falling into place that sense reduced.

Importantly, I sat down and created a time line for myself. Before that I had no sense of memory or continuity. I took old photographs and other proof of events and wrote them down those events. I discovered what my likes and dislikes and values were, and which did not belong to me.

The whole lot together had a profound effect on how I felt about myself and managed in the world. The ship had a mast. It may still have repeatedly ended up on the rocks or under a tidal wave, and the mast may have serious woodworm, but there is a mast. I think working on my sense of identity was a key part of this feeling for me. I know that can be extra challenging with lots of dissociation. I do still feel a bit other worldly and like a creature at times but in a different way.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have always felt not a part of like I didn’t get the owner’s manual everyone else got. I have always thought differently than others and only recently have I valued that. Before there was some sort of shame connected to it. My thoughts are not clear on all this as they are in the process of emerging but I feel like I am beginning to value myself. I have more confidence in myself. I have always tried to be the best person I can be, I’m just not very good at it. But, I am getting better.

 

[Jade-]

Since I was a very young girl I have always felt like I am not really a part of this world, that I don't really belong here, like maybe I am not even the same species as everyone else on this earth. I have just never felt like I fit on this planet. I have always felt like I'm watching the world revolve around me but I'm not actually a part of it.

My past therapist said I always felt that way as a child, felt so different, because of all the trauma and abuse I was going through and that I actually was different from the other kids. That makes sense but the feeling has stayed with me my entire life.

I always imagined that maybe one day my "people" would come get me and take me away to some far off place where I belong, where I fit and where I will be loved and treated well. Whether that's aliens from another planet or whatever, I have always believed that to be true and have looked forward to the day it really happens.

I doubt that's a type of dissociation and probably just more of a childs longing and wish and hope instead. IDK, I am an old lady now and I still long for my "people" to show up and take me away.

 

[Susan Jane]

I don't know if this is a type of depersonalisation... If it is, it started very early for me, as far back as I can remember... From early childhood trauma.

I never really feel like I'm human. I feel like a bystander, watching all the other humans going about their business.

It's the same as watching animals, out in nature or in the zoo. I understand them and can sort of relate and can empathise... But it still feels like some other species.

It confuses me. I don't understand it or why it's like that or what to do about it.

Yes I also had this as a child. I think I was between age 7-10. I was walking with some other children, and said I feel like my head is in my hands. The lights, nighttime dark and all the noise scared me but I kept walking in a frozen state not understanding. That is my earliest memory. Very hard for me to share this truth, it makes it real. It makes me afraid. You are not alone

 

[Susan Jane]

I have always felt not a part of like I didn’t get the owner’s manual everyone else got. I have always thought differently than others and only recently have I valued that. Before there was some sort of shame connected to it. My thoughts are not clear on all this as they are in the process of emerging but I feel like I am beginning to value myself. I have more confidence in myself. I have always tried to be the best person I can be, I’m just not very good at it. But, I am getting better.

I guess my owner’s manual got lost in the mail too

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I guess my owner’s manual got lost in the mail too

Mine TOO! That was the perfect metaphor. I don't know if it's weird but this feeling is so relatable to me. Especially now.