Still Pushing People Away Years Later

[carina]

Okay so here it goes I'm 23 and don't often admit how much I really need someone to understand what I am going through so this is a big step for me.

When I was 4 my cousin molested me for the first time and it didn't stop till I was 10 and of course it progressed from molesting to rape. Not only that but i have a long history of self destructing behavior; drugs, lashing out in anger, self mutilation, drinking heavily to name a few. I finally started to get it together a few years ago I even slowed down on the drinking just recently.

I have been with a wonderful man for 2 years that I absolutely adore he is such a wonderful person and has helped me so much. The thing is no matter how great life is going for me it seems I have to mess it up in some form or other...idk why either I wanna be happy but am scared. I don't talk to my mom as often as I used to because I'm going through one of my phases where I am just depressed and don't want her to worry, I keep snapping at my friends and on top of that it seems I can't stop hurting my boyfriend I always seem to blow up on him and push him away i really don't want him to leave me but I cant seem to stop myself from trying to destroy our relationship.

Things have been pretty bad for me lately but I haven't told him that because I don't want to burden him with my problems I am petrified that he will no longer want me if he knows just truly how broken I am and how messed up I am so I hold it all in and try to get out of my system in other ways that until now I thought were just destructful to me...if I'm only hurting myself it doesnt matter right? WRONG last night it caught up with me and so i got drunk (which I haven't done in forever for very good reasons) and someone came on to me a little aggressively and I lost my mind and started yelling at everyone and telling them I done with everyone and everything I kicked my boyfriend told him I didn't love him and so on and so forth...not the first time I've done this and why usually I avoid drinking. I am so scared that this was the last straw that he is gonna come home from work and tell me its over. Which is maybe a good thing right because I hate how much I tend to hurt him. I love him so much though and want to be happy with him and him be happy in return which he says he is but how can someone be happy with someone who is so f*cked up in the head. I don't understand why I keep pushing him away and being so hateful towards him sometimes he doesn't deserve that.

Ugh I dont know what to do, sorry for rambling on here its just i don't know who to talk to this about that would understand what it is I am going through. What do I do, where do I turn, how do I stop pushing the people I love away, and most Importantly how do I stop the self destructing behavior and let myself be happy

p.s sorry this is so sporadic my thoughts are just jumping all over the place at the moment

 

[cherryblossom]

@carina Hello, and welcome to the forum :wave:

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

I'm not the best person to give relationship advice being that I'm single, but I'll give it a go - just feel free to ignore me ;)

You love this guy, and from what you say, he loves you. But for some reason, you aren't able to open up to him completely. If you want to be with this man for the foreseeable (I won't say forever), then I think you need to find a way of being completely honest with him.

Being abused is horrible, it's also horrible that it affects your life. But it does. And yes, to a certain extent you can heal from that, but you can't hide from it, or erase it from your life completely. Being abused will always be a part of your life, and will affect you to some extent in the future. That's not to say it will always be a big part of your life, it won't be, but for now it is.

He loves you, and wants to help you, in anyway he can - but unless he knows, he can't support you.

If you do want to spend a long time with him, then you owe it to both of you to be honest with him. I guess it's scary that you think he won't want to be with you, and I suppose that's the chance you take. But if he does, you get the support you need. If he doesn't, yes you might lose him, but you also won't be living a lie. In my experience, lies and pretence eat away at a relationship. Honesty is the best foundation for any relationship.

 

[carina]

thanks so much for the reply. He knows about the abuse and rape its just I don't know how to completely explain to him how it affects me. Its hard to describe to him what is going through my mind because half the time I'm not even sure what it is I just get so disconnected from everything and everyone

 

[padalac3]

This is so distressing. My bio daughter was violated by her, (now deceased), step father. She commits the same type of destructive actions to the people in her life that would try to treat her the best. At 44yr she has broken off the best relationships whether it be friends, family, or lovers. I wish there was a way to let the broken hearted enjoy the giving that so many want to give. I just want to know how to give to you and feel accepted.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @carina
I am glad you have already told your partner. That is the first hurdle passed. I guess from here the next thing is rather than explaining to him the reasons behind your self destructive behaviour, is to actually address those behaviours.

It can be incredibly hard to change the behaviour that draws you and is a coping mechanism. However sometimes it is the partner who can be a strong ally in helping you not to slip up. I don't mean giving them a controlling role, but more another eye to let you know that you are at the top of the slippery slope again and maybe need to take a step sideways.

If he has put up with poor behaviour in the past I am sure he will again. However I think you may deal with this better if all the cards are on the table and he can connect this to your past. Additionally the help of a professional therapist may simplify the process.

 

[padalac3]

wow. BL that is some profound and awesome insight. i totally get what you are mentoring. keep putting your thoughts down for others to absorb.
i just know that the OP is going to grow and heal.:)