Scaring people away/Sharing too much.

[Chris46]

I have had a mixed bag of reactions over the years when I talk about my traumas. From triggering/traumatising therapists and even once being kicked out of a “friends” house after opening up to her about things that had happened.

I have a diagnosis of mild autism along with the cptsd and other humans do tend to baffle me even with every day stuff.

I feel I have learnt over the years to not share too much, pay the professionals for the times when I really need to get it out and to keep things even in a conversation (I’d say read the room as well but that would be giving me too much credit)

I’m a nomad because that is what I’d working for me at the moment and have been have good conversations with a person where I am currently staying, after sharing just a little bit with her she has gone very distant. I have no romantic/sexual interest in her, have definitely just been friendly.

So my ultimate question is, does anyone have any insight into this? Personal experience? Do we scare the “normal” folk away with our pain? My cptsd is very intense at the moment but I really can’t see what I could have done.

I have learnt over the years that it may be nothing to do with me and something else going on with her but I’m still confused….

 

[Calmdown]

This happens all the time. People need to feel safe in their made up world and if something bad that happened is close and too much they devalue it/the person or keep distance so they don't have to question their assumptions regarding their little world.
This is the first part of the problem.
The second part is that with sharing "too much" you can overwhelm people, which is normal as traumatic events are overwhelming. If you want to talk about it then try talking about it without details and keep it vague. Also ask before you tell it.

This is different with therapists. It is annoying that traumatized people feel like they have to be careful not to overwhelm a therapist but still this is the place to talk about details. Before you do that you can exactly tell the therapist that you fear it could be to much for him/her and then talk about this issue first.
I understand that autism makes all of this more difficult. You should keep in mind that sharing personal details early in a relationship can also be a problem, even without the traumatic stuff.

 

[Chris46]

Thank you Calmdown, I often have difficulty understanding that the trauma that has affected me can affect the person I’m telling it to.

I’m not sure I still understand, I’m just saying words not actually doing to them what has happened to me, but it helps me to understand, so I appreciate the response.

 

[Starfish]

welcome Chris 46. I think you are definitely reading the reactions right., unfortunately. I have been in cptsd recovery for almost 30 years, starting with AA then Alanon then co-dependents anonymous. And those are just a smidgeon of the avenues I've tried including metaphysical stuff, ad nauseum. I discovered, unless someone has experienced the cptsd horror 24/7, it is extremely hard for them to "get it". So,
I am finding ways to live having minimal friends. One friend is elderly and we play scrabble over the internet, each with our own scrabble board. This person is 91, we met over 10 years ago when i did a short term move for a recovery opportunity. She had good parenting and minimal trauma was teacher and raised 5 kids. She is very wise and eyesight is failing more and more. A wise woman who cares about people who was a deadhead in her earlier years and still has the heart of one. She just loves scrabble and welcomes the opportunity for us to play. She has been in alanon for years and doesn't even know why except she finds the subject matter interesting.

I look forward to the reprieve when I feel up to playing and I feel like this is a person I feel very safe with.

I recently moved on a little farm with my son, wife and 3 grandkids. My son and wife are respectful and we give each other much autonomy. I cook meals and bake a lot for this busy family and they do not take it for granted. I realize, with their busy lives, they need help and I need to feel helpful and I started cooking meals for my family very early on so am able to follow recipes and produce some homemade meals they would not get when no one has time to cook.
If I start feeling overwhelmed or any "should" , I will not make a meal. If I end up making a meal any day, I send a photo of it so they know they don't have to pick up fast food or whatever....it is all up to me. If I feel the need for company I might sit at the dinner table with the noisy family or watch tv or play a game with them.

Things like this keep me going each day , I've pretty much ended the struggle. I live on a different plane than most of the normies out there......as long as I'm taking care of myself.

And, amazingly, it is working for me.....i have less panic attacks and flashbacks. Of course, it is always progress not perfection.... one step forward, 3 steps back.....getting back on the saddle..... CPTSD involves a lot of inner reflection for me and is a condition I am adapting to not expecting a cure anymore.

Hope some of this is helpful.

I wish you well!

 

[hypervigilant]

So many people have so called normal lives and find it hard to imagine anything different. We are crashing their dreams of a pretty world with the reality and the horror.
If people ask why I'm in therapy I tell them otherwise I just say I had one of those childhoods that makes front page and leave it at that. I think the shock factor comes from the fact we can talk so matter of factly about stuff they cannot begin to imagine being our normal.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have never felt normal and quite frankly, I have never had the desire to. I have always felt that I am wandering around in an insane asylum. I have always been a contrarian, if everybody is thinking something, it must be wrong. Authority in any form is repugnant. I think people who see things differently are felt as a threat by those who grasp to hold on to the illusion of being normal. Just under the surface there is a fear of a painful awakening coming their way, like maybe they got it all wrong. They believed the television. That next purchase will surely make them happy.

 

[Friday]

So my ultimate question is, does anyone have any insight into this? Personal experience? Do we scare the “normal” folk away with our pain?

My experience is the opposite… “normal” people attempt to glom on, and want to know more-more-more, whilst people with their own traumas have very strictly defined codes of conduct / sense of occasion / soft & hard limits… and discovering what those are is always a careful walk across thin ice.

UNLESS Children are present. If children are present? It is never okay to discuss anything you wouldn’t actually DO to/with those children. Not just things like rape/abuse/war, etc.. But also anything you would need parental permission for (ice cream, field trips, adventures, whatever). If children are present? The child comes first. Because children absorb everything around them. People’s pain, people’s excitement, everything. Even if it’s in a language the child doesn’t speak, the tone & body language being used will propel them into sharing the experience on a mental/emotional level. So children present? COMPLETELY change the rules of interaction to “light & superficial”… just as being at work changes the rules of interaction to “professional”.