Relationship Strong feels

[Anon1]

I appreciate your response and I don't feel like you are pushing me at all. Do I wish thier was another good fit for me yes. However knowing my past and understanding my future won't be much different has me down. I understand I will probably never meet someone again. I've sat on the sidelines and will continue to know that's my place

I'm glad you don't feel pushed :)

From the inside, this stuff is so hard.

From the outside, it's so clear to see the mixture of fact and fiction in your words (I say that to be encouraging, not critical).

"My past was this way"
"My future probably will be this way"
"My place is on the sidelines"

The first thought is true-ish (but interpreting the past is really hard, and always filtered through the lens of emotion and subjectivity).

The second thought is a prediction, partly based on feeling and partly based on a very subjective interpretation of the past (okay - it was hard, but who knows if it isn't leading you up to something you'll love?)

The third thought is a sort of arbitrary definition. Who says your place is on the sidelines? Does a child belong in poverty just because they were born and grew up that way?

The past doesn't have to define the future. If it does, no one can ever change. But people do. All the time.

And if they do, you can too.

And that's a pretty good, objective measurement to be using, because it's rooted in the outside world, not just your own negative self-assessment.

People believe in you :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @southwest I apologize, I can't take in all the posts with the attention they deserve, but I have seen some and am sure you have been likely given much good advice.

I just wanted to add, as I don't think anyone said, the funny thing I've found is that when I don't want to get asked out (which is usually), the more I don't want to the more I am, like multiple different people at once? Which is ironic, since there is nothing wrong with those asking, it really is because of me, and they are asking and yet it's not what I want. Perhaps that is similar, at least sometimes, to how and why they are responding to you as they are?

Aside from that however, she didn't say it was due to you that you guys broke up. Nor is her foray back in to dating a guarantee any of those relationships will work. Honeymoon period aside, and not really 'knowing' each other well initially, usually triggers occur when people become closer. (Not knowing each other too well, well that's the time almost all relationships seem good.) But, if you subscribe to the concept of 'The One', I would think it has to include coming from a place that is not one of scarcity: By that I mean, not because they are the one there as the only criteria, but feeling the same about them even if many are there. And that it has to be mutual.

That being said, any good relatuonship has a lot invested, even if it's just real trust, so yes there is grieving. I wonder if it's possible to identify what the relationship made you feel, and what other ways support that feeling? And also to explore your own beliefs, traumas and suffering. And also self conceept, as well as core values.

Idk because all relationships are a unique dynamic, let alone throwing ptsd in to the mix, and none of us knows what the future holds, not only in general but for each person. And real relationships take work, forgiveness, attentiveness and sacrifice, a certain degree of maturity and groundedness. Though my mom used to say it can be even lonelier being with someone who doesn't love you than being alone. Disregard any of this if not if not helpful. Hope this makes sense. Best wishes to you.

 

[southwest]

Hmm... this is kind of the definition of self-defeat, isn't it? Aren't you attempting to GROW in life? To TRANSCEND stuff and attain new insights? To get to know yourself, others and life on a deeper level?

Do you know that quote about insanity being when you keep repeating the same stuff but expecting a different outcome? If you want a different outcome, you gotta start doing different things.

Editing to add the following quote: "Finding happiness within yourself is profoundly difficult. Finding it anywhere else, however, is impossible."

Oh always on a path of growth, don't get me wrong. I love growing as an individual I'm a completely different person in my mid 30s compared to where I was in my early 20s and I love it. However it all of this growth never really translated to a better dating life so I don't hope for the future to be much different.

 

[Ecdysis]

Maybe the concept of a "dating life" is something you can outgrow? Maybe it can be more about you being real and connecting authentically to other people who are being real? That's what I mean... A shift of perception... Maybe it's time to outgrow that whole concept? Maybe you're right and a mediocre "dating life" is all you'll ever have? So time to move on to something more meaningful than that and open yourself up to whatever that might mean?

 

[southwest]

Maybe the concept of a "dating life" is something you can outgrow? Maybe it can be more about you being real and connecting authentically to other people who are being real? That's what I mean... A shift of perception... Maybe it's time to outgrow that whole concept? Maybe you're right and a mediocre "dating life" is all you'll ever have? So time to move on to something more meaningful than that and open yourself up to whatever that might mean?

Most likely. Idk it's a hard pill to swallow knowing you can't have a loving romantic relationship. I don't mean I'm looking to have a amazing dating life, but you need some kind of dating life to find relationships.

Hi @southwest I apologize, I can't take in all the posts with the attention they deserve, but I have seen some and am sure you have been likely given much good advice.

I just wanted to add, as I don't think anyone said, the funny thing I've found is that when I don't want to get asked out (which is usually), the more I don't want to the more I am, like multiple different people at once? Which is ironic, since there is nothing wrong with those asking, it really is because of me, and they are asking and yet it's not what I want. Perhaps that is similar, at least sometimes, to how and why they are responding to you as they are?

Aside from that however, she didn't say it was due to you that you guys broke up. Nor is her foray back in to dating a guarantee any of those relationships will work. Honeymoon period aside, and not really 'knowing' each other well initially, usually triggers occur when people become closer. (Not knowing each other too well, well that's the time almost all relationships seem good.) But, if you subscribe to the concept of 'The One', I would think it has to include coming from a place that is not one of scarcity: By that I mean, not because they are the one there as the only criteria, but feeling the same about them even if many are there. And that it has to be mutual.

That being said, any good relatuonship has a lot invested, even if it's just real trust, so yes there is grieving. I wonder if it's possible to identify what the relationship made you feel, and what other ways support that feeling? And also to explore your own beliefs, traumas and suffering. And also self conceept, as well as core values.

Idk because all relationships are a unique dynamic, let alone throwing ptsd in to the mix, and none of us knows what the future holds, not only in general but for each person. And real relationships take work, forgiveness, attentiveness and sacrifice, a certain degree of maturity and groundedness. Though my mom used to say it can be even lonelier being with someone who doesn't love you than being alone. Disregard any of this if not if not helpful. Hope this makes sense. Best wishes to you.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful response. It does make sense. I think my hard disconnect is my dating life has been much different than most people's. I have gone years between relationships a few different times. Most of my high-school and 20s I spent alone I didn't really seen any intereste in me till my early 30s.

No she didn't say it was my fault and I know that it was her own triggers that caused us to split. But I definitely feel if I could have done more we wouldn't have split or if I could have done everything right.

I'm glad you don't feel pushed :)

From the inside, this stuff is so hard.

From the outside, it's so clear to see the mixture of fact and fiction in your words (I say that to be encouraging, not critical).

"My past was this way"
"My future probably will be this way"
"My place is on the sidelines"

The first thought is true-ish (but interpreting the past is really hard, and always filtered through the lens of emotion and subjectivity).

The second thought is a prediction, partly based on feeling and partly based on a very subjective interpretation of the past (okay - it was hard, but who knows if it isn't leading you up to something you'll love?)

The third thought is a sort of arbitrary definition. Who says your place is on the sidelines? Does a child belong in poverty just because they were born and grew up that way?

The past doesn't have to define the future. If it does, no one can ever change. But people do. All the time.

And if they do, you can too.

And that's a pretty good, objective measurement to be using, because it's rooted in the outside world, not just your own negative self-assessment.

People believe in you :)

I don't feel you are being critical at all. It's not that I deserve it more so life has shown me that that is my place sort of speak. Does it suck... yeah I've definitely had moments in my past where I begged the universe for it to be different but unfortunately it keeps putting me back there.

As I get older I definitely feel like life is putting more on me to keep me single. Basically making me even more unattractive.

 

[Anon1]

I don't feel you are being critical at all. It's not that I deserve it more so life has shown me that that is my place sort of speak. Does it suck... yeah I've definitely had moments in my past where I begged the universe for it to be different but unfortunately it keeps putting me back there.

As I get older I definitely feel like life is putting more on me to keep me single. Basically making me even more unattractive.

Aye, well - I hope this doesn't sound mean, but outsourcing responsibility to the universe won't help the attractiveness!

I think that's true, anyway.

When I think of the people I've fallen for... they haven't always been the best looking, or the best in many other areas. But they have taken responsibility, shouldered their burdens and lived their lives fully.

Very few things are more attractive than someone who refuses to be defeated, and who won't blame anything or anyone. They'll maybe do that for a little bit, then they stand up and walk forward, believing in their dreams and looking towards the future.

Genuinely - that's enough to make a person fall for another person.

When I've heard/seen dates kinda... be fatalistic, or a bit mopey or just evading responsibility, it's made them seem less attractive because I've worried that they're going to bring that into a relationship with me - and that I'll start to do that too!

I will say though, that I do sort of relate to some of what you've said.

I had a horrible early adulthood for various reasons, and I've often felt like I 'missed my opportunity' or whatever.
I felt like I missed my window to go and have a fun life.

Now, I honestly feel more optimistic than ever - the second half of my life is going to be rich, fulfilling and fun - because I'm going to make it that way.

But it took me a while to get to that stage.

I also recently dated someone with PTSD, and I felt exactly what you said earlier - about how: "Maybe I could've done something different to make it work"

That seems *really* common with PTSD relationships, because I've heard it *a lot* from other people in similar circumstances.

I still have moments where I feel that way - but not always. I see that their condition ran so, so deep that even on their good days, it wasn't far from the surface.

Could I have done better? Yeah, probably... but would something else have come up eventually? Yeah, probably. Because it's such a deep-seated condition, and I'm not a trauma therapist who will understand everything, and do exactly the right stuff every time.

I'm just a normal person, and it'd probably have been very hard one way or another (even though I still think they're amazing).

And by the way - I think they're amazing partly because (you guessed it), they take responsibility for their healing and growth. It's *so* attractive!

Anyway...

I just wanted to say - I hear you on those previous things that you said, and I relate.

It's not easy, not easy at all.

 

[Anon1]

As some one who has PTSD and has also had several partners with PTSD, I see this a bit differently.

Many of us with trauma end up kind of "fractured". We split off our trauma and keep it hidden. Often, when we're subjected to abuse, for example, we're taught to keep that stuff hidden and secret. Even if not, a lot of trauma, like sexual trauma involves shame and so you keep that stuff secret from the people around you.

So, many of us develop this sort of "public face" which is nice, kind, all the good things.

And in the background, there's this other stuff going on... where we're battling our demons... stuff that people generally don't get to see - things like depression, anxiety, addiction, suicidalness, isolating, etc.

But in long-term relationships, that stuff is something we can only hide for so long.

So, to an onlooker, someone with PTSD may seem "wonderful" or "idealised" initially, because all the painful, difficult stuff is hidden away.

For an onlooker, it comes as a surprise, when "things turn bad" for "apparently no reason at all" and they grieve the person they THOUGHT they lost, that they THOUGHT they "knew" initially.

But if you look at it from the inside, the person with trauma was always the same person all along - carrying massive, heavy, difficult baggage and keeping up a polite/ nice front for society and getting positive feedback from people for keeping that divide in place.

I've personally fallen into this trap with a partner too. I still grieve the person I "thought he was". It's like a drug addiction. I'm missing and craving someone who never existed at all. It was a mirage. But at the time, that's who I experienced him being (all the good stuff) and my brain can't seem to process or truly grasp that, well, it was basically all an illusion.

If you think about it, any person who is real is not "perfect" or "idealised" and this version of her turned out not to be real.

I understand the confusion and the compulsion to try and "get back" to that time when things seemed good (too good to be true?). That stuff taps into some pretty deep stuff in our own psyche.

I think you're holding on to a mirage tho and you'll likely end up happier if you work your way through it and try to meet someone new.

Just re-reading this again @Ecdysis , because I feel this way today - I wish this stuff was easier to understand (not your post, I mean!!); I get the logic, but emotionally, it's really hard to detach from this kind of relationship... it's strange...

 

[southwest]

Aye, well - I hope this doesn't sound mean, but outsourcing responsibility to the universe won't help the attractiveness!

I think that's true, anyway.

When I think of the people I've fallen for... they haven't always been the best looking, or the best in many other areas. But they have taken responsibility, shouldered their burdens and lived their lives fully.

Very few things are more attractive than someone who refuses to be defeated, and who won't blame anything or anyone. They'll maybe do that for a little bit, then they stand up and walk forward, believing in their dreams and looking towards the future.

Genuinely - that's enough to make a person fall for another person.

When I've heard/seen dates kinda... be fatalistic, or a bit mopey or just evading responsibility, it's made them seem less attractive because I've worried that they're going to bring that into a relationship with me - and that I'll start to do that too!

I will say though, that I do sort of relate to some of what you've said.

I had a horrible early adulthood for various reasons, and I've often felt like I 'missed my opportunity' or whatever.
I felt like I missed my window to go and have a fun life.

Now, I honestly feel more optimistic than ever - the second half of my life is going to be rich, fulfilling and fun - because I'm going to make it that way.

But it took me a while to get to that stage.

I also recently dated someone with PTSD, and I felt exactly what you said earlier - about how: "Maybe I could've done something different to make it work"

That seems *really* common with PTSD relationships, because I've heard it *a lot* from other people in similar circumstances.

I still have moments where I feel that way - but not always. I see that their condition ran so, so deep that even on their good days, it wasn't far from the surface.

Could I have done better? Yeah, probably... but would something else have come up eventually? Yeah, probably. Because it's such a deep-seated condition, and I'm not a trauma therapist who will understand everything, and do exactly the right stuff every time.

I'm just a normal person, and it'd probably have been very hard one way or another (even though I still think they're amazing).

And by the way - I think they're amazing partly because (you guessed it), they take responsibility for their healing and growth. It's *so* attractive!

Anyway...

I just wanted to say - I hear you on those previous things that you said, and I relate.

It's not easy, not easy at all.

Now put on top of all that I just don't get dates, matchs, or even intrest at this point. So that's definitely feel like she was the one and that I should have done better.