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hyp3rs0mn1a
Hi there, I'm not a member of this forum, I was just looking for some insight after browsing this forum and various other resources on the web. I'll give some background info.
Growing up, my mother struggled with bipolar disorder and wasn't diagnosed until when I was almost a teenager. My father was a distant alcoholic and they feuded constantly, sometimes violently. From a really young age, I remember shaking, sweating and trying to "escape" mentally many times while they were arguing. My mother was rarely physically abusive, but her outbursts of rage, constant emotional fluctuation and general lack of stability scared me and I still struggle to deal with what it was like to this day, even though she's no longer that way. My father is also more emotionally present in my life now that he's sober. I don't think I have PTSD because I don't think any of what happened was extreme, and none of it "consciously" bothers me if that makes sense. But I know dissociation/derealization is typically a result of past trauma, so I wanted to give some background (And maybe ask if anyone thinks this is serious enough to cause a dissociation disorder?)
I remember the "shift" between reality and constant dissociation occurred when I was 12. I remembered this year that I was initially scared because I knew something was wrong, and did some research about it online and did discover information about struggling with derealization/dissociation. I talked to a couple counselors about it, who told me it was normal for people to feel this way some times, so I chocked it up to puberty and figured it would pass. I pushed it to the back of my head and "forgot" about it until this year.
Fast forward to this year, I'm now 19 and have recently realized that this feeling of nothing being really, nothing existing, and nothing happening has never gone away. I feel dead, I have not felt truly happy in nearly a decade. I'm terrified that I lived feeling like this for so long, even after knowing what it was, without realizing what it was, and thinking it was "normal". I'm not sure how to proceed, should I try and get diagnosed? Should I go straight to a therapist who specializes in these sorts of issues? I'm really lost and I'm terrified that I'm going to spend the rest of my life living like I'm already dead. Thanks so much for any help and insight.
Growing up, my mother struggled with bipolar disorder and wasn't diagnosed until when I was almost a teenager. My father was a distant alcoholic and they feuded constantly, sometimes violently. From a really young age, I remember shaking, sweating and trying to "escape" mentally many times while they were arguing. My mother was rarely physically abusive, but her outbursts of rage, constant emotional fluctuation and general lack of stability scared me and I still struggle to deal with what it was like to this day, even though she's no longer that way. My father is also more emotionally present in my life now that he's sober. I don't think I have PTSD because I don't think any of what happened was extreme, and none of it "consciously" bothers me if that makes sense. But I know dissociation/derealization is typically a result of past trauma, so I wanted to give some background (And maybe ask if anyone thinks this is serious enough to cause a dissociation disorder?)
I remember the "shift" between reality and constant dissociation occurred when I was 12. I remembered this year that I was initially scared because I knew something was wrong, and did some research about it online and did discover information about struggling with derealization/dissociation. I talked to a couple counselors about it, who told me it was normal for people to feel this way some times, so I chocked it up to puberty and figured it would pass. I pushed it to the back of my head and "forgot" about it until this year.
Fast forward to this year, I'm now 19 and have recently realized that this feeling of nothing being really, nothing existing, and nothing happening has never gone away. I feel dead, I have not felt truly happy in nearly a decade. I'm terrified that I lived feeling like this for so long, even after knowing what it was, without realizing what it was, and thinking it was "normal". I'm not sure how to proceed, should I try and get diagnosed? Should I go straight to a therapist who specializes in these sorts of issues? I'm really lost and I'm terrified that I'm going to spend the rest of my life living like I'm already dead. Thanks so much for any help and insight.
