Struggling Again - Trigger Caused Flashbacks And Dissociation.

[ptsdkate]

I had been doing a lot better since starting Zoloft, and, except for a few days recently where I forgot to take my meds, was living a fairly happy, normal life, no flashbacks, no dissociation. Things were going so much better.

Then Friday I was a chaperone for my son's class trip to the zoo. As some of you may remember, the zoo is where a pedophile tried to lure my son about a year and a half ago. This re-triggered a huge wave of PTSD symptoms, which I've gotten under control with therapy and meds. (Here's [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/threads/my-story-part-4-the-final-chapter-mostly-happy-stuff.527/"]background[/DLMURL] if you want it.)

Nothing happened this time at the zoo. I've been back there since the incident, and I've been okay. But this time I was with my sons and the little girl who was with us the day the attempted luring took place, and the weather felt very similar to the day it happened. SO MANY things were similar to that day, and I could feel myself clenching up tighter and tighter as we approached the spot where that monster tried to hurt my little boy. I don't think you could say I dissociated during this new zoo trip itself. I just got very distant, dispassionate - enough that my son noticed and asked if I was okay. :(

Over the weekend I've had several flashbacks, and I've dissociated every time. Most of the flashbacks have been to the assault when I was eight, and those have been accompanied by intense phantom physical pains and sensations. After each one I've gone off into the ozone somewhere, unable to reconnect with the world around me for half an hour or more at a time.

It makes me crazy that the SOB is still winning, still gaining power over me. It makes me even crazier that the other SOB that tried to hurt my baby the same way got away, and craziest of all that I didn't pound him into the ground when he made the attempt. I'm so sick of this. When will it go away?!? :trapped::banghead::cry:

 

[CarrotHead]

Does it go away?

 

[ptsdkate]

It went away once for me - I didn't remember the childhood assault until eight years later, when the memory was triggered by a horrible story I read. I managed to push it back down eventually, and had a lot of good years without flashbacks, dissociation, etc. Now it's back...and it has teeth. Very frustrating!

 

[anthony]

Its not about memories going away... its about you taking control over you.

Stick with the facts. You went to the zoo, nothing bad happened, even though the weather was similar, nothing bad happened. You actually choose how memories are used against yourself for the most part, being whether you slip within a negative moment and believe negative thoughts, or whether a negative thought comes into your head and you stop, pause, recognize that negative thought, then counter it with either a positive or fact, being you went to the zoo and nothing bad happened. Fact... a limited amount of people are pedophiles, so the chances are small, but you may face them in the future. Risk mitigation. Always keep a close eye on your children, every parents #1 rule.

You did everything correctly, apart from dispelling the negative thought with fact or a positive counter statement of truth.

 

[ptsdkate]

Thanks, Anthony. You're right, of course. I should have put the negative thoughts aside.

A friend of mine and I were discussing meditation a couple of days ago, and I mentioned that I have a hard time keeping stray thoughts from popping up when I meditate, and that those thoughts tend to be horrible, triggery thoughts. He said something that really struck me. He said, "You are not your thoughts. You don't have to own them, you don't have to let them own you. Just observe them and set them aside as inconsequential, as if they were merely leaves blowing by on a breeze. You don't have to choose to pick them up and examine them. Observe them as they go by if you want, but let them go." I somehow never realized this simple truth before - I don't have to grapple with every thought I have, and wrestle it into submission. Some thoughts don't deserve to be given that kind of importance. It was a real revelation for me.

 

[anthony]

That is an absolutely excellent, concise, and extremely wise way of putting it.

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done Kate. That's something I'm dealing with my T at the moment. She suggests imagining those thoughts/flashbacks on a TV screen. You can push that screen away so the images get smaller, you can turn those images to black and white. You can even blur them and then when the 'screen' is far enough and tiny, you can turn them off. Maybe sounds a bit weird, but it does actually work for me. The hardest part is the start - Pushing those thoughts, into a TV frame. But once practised, I've found this really helpful.