Struggling With Ideation Take Over

[Sqweak]

I think I just felt like writing today; I needed to write actually. I haven't been outside in weeks, no friends and no phone calls. I dropped out last month and I feel like a total and complete failure for giving up but for too long I’ve done nothing but struggle and struggle with no progress. After being verbally knocked down by professors every other day I decided I'm taking a break from the world. I thought it would be a good thing. Take this semester (which I failed miserably) off and start over this summer. I have mentioned before that I’ve run out of medication so I've been working through my withdraws with cigarettes and copious amounts of tea. But as more time passes the less average I feel and I’m consumed with violent thoughts against myself. So much so that it's giving me a headache. Last week I Just couldn't take it, I ran around my apartment looking for my case of tailoring scissors. I have a cutting history " superficial" is what they tell me but I knew there would be no turning back with my scissors. Unfortunately for me at the time I couldn't find them, then I remember I left them and everything else I would consider using in my locker at school. I called the Suicide hotline but it did a little less then nothing for me, however the lady was nice and she helped me finally get some sleep. I'm not entirely sure what I’m trying to say with this post besides that at one point in time I didn't ever think I'd make it to 30; then I grew up, got some help and that line of thinking ceased for a while. Now I'm not sure what I think. I do know that today I feel a lot like I did last week.

 

[Reclusive]

Hang in there, take it one day at a time. Remember that things can get better. Fix the medication issue so you don't have to deal with that anymore. Take a walk if you think you can, get out of your home and get into a change of scenery. Write here whenever you need to. It'll get better, really, it will.

 

[Brontie]

I agree. Just write and post for the time being. And don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make much sense. We’ve all been there I’m sure. Just type how you feel, what your thinking, anything. We’ll get the gist of it.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so low. Avoid beating yourself up and simply go with the flow for the time being.

Take care. {{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[MAS444]

Try to just get outside today, make that your goal. I bet being in the sunshine and just breathing in some fresh air will feel good. Hang in there. I have been in your shoes before, have a history of cutting, too and it did for a number of years. There is hope, though. I promise. I have not cut in almost 8 years. And you have friends here. You are never alone.

Maybe there's a less stressful way for you to get out, besides school, to be around people. Maybe grab a book and head to a cafe, a park. Join a book club or a different interest. Breathe deeply. Be gentle with yourself. Whatever reason it is that you have PTSD and are suffering now, remember it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and take everything as slowly as you need to.

Big hugs.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Sqweak--

It is OK to take a break from the world. Life is very short. In the end, I am sure I am not going to be regretting not working, not being able to go to school, not being able to be part of a world that has these set standards........

I will regret, though, if I do not heal, do not ever feel peace and safety again, cannot go and see the beauty of nature and not being able to live above it.

We have all seen a side of life that people are not supposed to see until they are close to death. That is what, I think , causes PTSD when your mind and body see death and yet you do not die.

I fight now against the "norm" even subconsciously because I can never go back to not knowing what it feels like to be about to die. I admire and am dumbfounded by those who can, and maybe we all do eventually if we keep going.

So we are not there now......but you are giving a lot of people on here support and kindness and encouragement. And you keep trying. That is the key!:)

 

[freakofnurture]

Hey, Sqweak. I hear ya. I lived like that for over half a year. It sucked like hell. It was hell, actually. I don't know if I could survive something like it again.

Good thing you put your cutty things away. I tried that a few times but felt distress instantly, so go you for doing it.

Please stay safe. You can win this battle!

 

[Sqweak]

Hi,
You guys seriously brought tears to my eyes, most of the time I feel invisible but thank you so much for being here when I needed it the most. I seriously can't thank all of you enough, really.

(((((((Squeezes you all)))))

 

[Sqweak]

Try to just get outside today, make that your goal. I bet being in the sunshine and just breathing in some fresh air will feel good.

I Actually tried this the other day, it was so hard to leave but I ran out of juice. So I went to the store and it felt good to be out side because I haven't left my bedroom sense- I don't know, sometime in April. It helped a lot; hopefully I’ll be up to going out and shooting pictures soon. I miss it. :)

Thanks for recommending this.