Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

So, they came home, things seemed good.

Until we ended up talking last night... We've broken up.

She still loves me and deep down doesn't want this, but struggling with life, herself, etc and not being able to put anything into the relationship, she says it's for the best that we don't drag each other through this. And just be friends again.

"True love means not putting you through this level of pain and dragging you through this with me"

I can accept that. It really hurts. But it's not about me. Like she says I've done nothing wrong.

So my feelings of losing out on her and what we have, what I have built with the girls, isn't important. So no point in me talking about it.

She will be sleeping in with the girls until she sorts another house (as previously planned anyway) and then move out. I'll be struggling to pay for furniture etc while living in a big rented house alone, and will have nothing and nobody in this quiet area. So I'm not overjoyed about this alongside losing what was working so well, I've put alot into this.

Who knows, in future we might come together. She's not leaving me for somebody else, she doesn't want anyone else and doesn't have the energy for that. But holding on for her doesn't seem like a wise move, even if I know deep down our feelings are there.


Meh.

Basically it over, to allow her to be alone and do this without hurting us. We will revert to being friends. And I'll accept I've lost the life I wanted me detach myself from her and the girls :(

Happy Easter everyone.

 

[LovingH]

I'm so so sorry.

 

[EveHarrington]

"True love means not putting you through this level of pain and dragging you through this with me"

Well, no, not really. (At least IMHO, let me explain.)

I understand that she needs to go this alone, but hopefully at some point in the future she’ll be able to allow her partner to determine exactly what he can/can’t handle.

This was a lesson I had to learn. Using the “I’m saving you” excuse was just a massive smokescreen, a futile exercise in control. It was a way that I could push people away and pretend it was completely altruistic, all for their own good.

It was also a crock of shit.

The truth is that everyone else has the right to determine what they can and can’t handle. It’s not up to me to set and enforce (what I deem to be) their boundaries.

I pulled this BS with person after person after person. Friends, family members, boyfriends.

Over the last year, things changed. I have a guy whom I have put through hell and back, yet he stays. Because, you see, he can handle my episodes, and can see I’m getting better. Through all my pushing, he stayed, and I slowly came to realize that it’s up to him to decide his limits, not me.

I even tried to push my sister away, which meant I’d lose my nephew, too. Anyone who knows me knows that losing my nephew would have devastated me, yet I did it anyway. My sister was pretty much in my face and told me I don’t get to make the decision as to whether or not she wants me in her life. She was right. She’s like me, no BS and tells it like it is. I realized then that I had to stop pushing her away. MY presence in HER life is HER decision just as HER presence in MY life is MY decision. (I hope this makes sense.)

I don’t know why so many of us have this “I need to save you from me” complex, but we do.

 

[LovingH]

Well, no, not really. (At least IMHO, let me explain.)

I understand that she needs to go this alone, but hopefully at some point in the future she’ll be able to allow her partner to determine exactly what he can/can’t handle.

This was a lesson I had to learn. Using the “I’m saving you” excuse was just a massive smokescreen, a futile exercise in control. It was a way that I could push people away and pretend it was completely altruistic, all for their own good.

It was also a crock of shit.

The truth is that everyone else has the right to determine what they can and can’t handle. It’s not up to me to set and enforce (what I deem to be) their boundaries.

I pulled this BS with person after person after person. Friends, family members, boyfriends.

Over the last year, things changed. I have a guy whom I have put through hell and back, yet he stays. Because, you see, he can handle my episodes, and can see I’m getting better. Through all my pushing, he stayed, and I slowly came to realize that it’s up to him to decide his limits, not me.

I even tried to push my sister away, which meant I’d lose my nephew, too. Anyone who knows me knows that losing my nephew would have devastated me, yet I did it anyway. My sister was pretty much in my face and told me I don’t get to make the decision as to whether or not she wants me in her life. She was right. She’s like me, no BS and tells it like it is. I realized then that I had to stop pushing her away. MY presence in HER life is HER decision just as HER presence in MY life is MY decision. (I hope this makes sense.)

I don’t know why so many of us have this “I need to save you from me” complex, but we do.

So true. I'm pretty sure that's what my ex is doing. He said he didn't want to build something with me just to deal with his pain from the past. I took that to mean he thought he was sparing me heartache.

And you raise a good point. Shouldn't i get to decide what i can and can't handle?

 

[Hojay]

Well, no, not really. (At least IMHO, let me explain.)

I understand that she needs to go this alone, but hopefully at some point in the future she’ll be able to allow her partner to determine exactly what he can/can’t handle.

This was a lesson I had to learn. Using the “I’m saving you” excuse was just a massive smokescreen, a futile exercise in control. It was a way that I could push people away and pretend it was completely altruistic, all for their own good.

It was also a crock of shit.

The truth is that everyone else has the right to determine what they can and can’t handle. It’s not up to me to set and enforce (what I deem to be) their boundaries.

I pulled this BS with person after person after person. Friends, family members, boyfriends.

Over the last year, things changed. I have a guy whom I have put through hell and back, yet he stays. Because, you see, he can handle my episodes, and can see I’m getting better. Through all my pushing, he stayed, and I slowly came to realize that it’s up to him to decide his limits, not me.

I even tried to push my sister away, which meant I’d lose my nephew, too. Anyone who knows me knows that losing my nephew would have devastated me, yet I did it anyway. My sister was pretty much in my face and told me I don’t get to make the decision as to whether or not she wants me in her life. She was right. She’s like me, no BS and tells it like it is. I realized then that I had to stop pushing her away. MY presence in HER life is HER decision just as HER presence in MY life is MY decision. (I hope this makes sense.)

I don’t know why so many of us have this “I need to save you from me” complex, but we do.

Very good points. That’s what my ex said too when he broke up, and those were my thoughts exactly: please don’t decide for me what I can and can’t do.

Turns out, though, it wasn’t altogether true when he said he needs to be alone because the next was already lined up (or had been overlapping, who knows,) so it seems I got the smokescreen version, rather than some altruistic move to spare me out of love. I wasn’t fully buying it anyway.

That’s not to say there aren’t some out there who truly want and need to spare their partners, and who can’t handle watching them suffer. I guess the sincerity of it becomes apparent in the aftermath.

 

[alanwp]

Thank you for your replies.

I see your points.

Maybe shes doing it for the wrong reasons but to be honest I cannot force her to change her mind on it. I can only go with it. If I argue my side of things it makes her feel like I'm guilting her or looking for pity, which is a big trigger for her.

All I can maybe hope for is that she sees this as a mistake, but at the same time it might not be a mistake.

She won't be going anywhere any time soon, and I'm not cutting her out a a friend, so I'll will still be there for her..

I just need to accept that for now, or maybe indefinitely that this is done with.

 

[alanwp]

In addition, she says she doesn't want to hurt me anymore by not giving me what a relationship deserves.

I can tell she's upset over this.

But I can see where she's coming from.

She's woken up this morning messaging me making sure I'm okay, she does care.

Probably hurts me more because a proper breakup over something wouldn't be half as bad hey. I'll suck it up and just make sure I don't lose my mind

 

[alanwp]

Update.

We spoke again this morning, as she was visibly upset over it all, especially since I'm there for her girls too.

But she offered me to come out with her and the girls today to just have something to do, so I wasn't alone and overthinking. Infact we had a nice day and even as friends, so there is a positive.

Basically so long as I can act as friends with her and not be upset, she is happy for us to still go do things like hiking and such, along with the girls, as I've expressed that I don't want to completely lose any of them.

We were always good friends before we got together, and she has admitted she should have spent time alone before getting into this with me.

Who knows, we may just stay friends. Or our paths may cross again in the future to more than friends. But I won't make any hopes about it. It's about as positive as I can be out of this situation.

The daft thing is, the only things that changed is the fact we are officially not in a relationship now, whereas before we were just struggling along.

I'll still be there for her. And as of right now we will still be under the same roof anyway.

 

[EveHarrington]

The daft thing is, the only things that changed is the fact we are officially not in a relationship now, whereas before we were just struggling along.

Yeah, sometimes it’s just the label that feels deathly suffocating. It doesn’t matter if everything is the same as being in a relationship, it’s the label that is too overwhelming.

The other day I joked to my boyfriend of 9 months that we would still be “friends” in name if he didn’t insist on being together in a relationship, officially bf/gf. Of course all other actions, feelings would be the same!

 

[Freida]

The daft thing is, the only things that changed is the fact we are officially not in a relationship now, whereas before we were just struggling along.

yep. sadly this makes perfect sense to me. Hubby and I were together 10 years before he could get me to agree to marry him because....GASP/HISS/I CANT BREATHE.

over reaction over nothing? yep. but. There it was. 10 long years.
Wish I had advice but the only thing that worked for us was him waiting me out.
:hug:

 

[alanwp]

We are definitely sitting comfortably at being friends and that's it, no stress to try have physical or emotional ties to keep the relationship happy as such.

And after another decent talk last night over a few drinks, I feel more at ease with the whole situation. She has a hell of alot to deal with to be at ease with herself before she can commit to a relationship. Which in hindsight should have happened before we got to together, but she didn't realise how badly her last relationship broke her down and she thought she would bounce back.

But hey, I still get to keep her as a friend, once I get past my own insecure or upsetting thoughts about losing the woman I truly love, and the fact I cannot be a proper dad figure to the girls... I can take comfort in the fact we had lots of good memories together, we didn't fall out or have arguments, and we've ended this peacefully and can still be real friends at the end of it.

Don't get me wrong it'll still be hard, but I can see that it's hard for both of us, since she did let some emotions out yesterday.

I've got to see the positives otherwise I'd go into a dark place myself

 

[Mytime]

It must be very hard to go back to being just friends. I’m glad your trying to see things in a positive way. Sending support.