Moonwolf 89
New Here
I just started working about a month ago, through a recruiting agency, and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle the work environment.
During the first week I felt the need to disclose my PTSD to my direct supervisor. She kept coming up behind me and would just stand there watching me work. I'd end up noticing her in close proximity and jump or nearly scream so I figured she might as well know not to do that and why.
We had a meeting together at the end of my first week and I explained that I have PTSD and need certain accommodations in order to work successfully. I had a list of about 7 requests but she cut me off after the second, saying we were done. We only got through my request to use a mirror to see behind me and to leave for counseling once a week. In regards to counseling, she shut me down immediately saying it had to be done outside of work hours, even though I was willing to come in early, work late etc to make up for time missed.
After our talk I felt dejected and afraid to pursue the subject further. So I have continued working without accommodations and have slowly felt the anxiety and stressors build to breaking point levels.
I guess it would be helpful to point out two things before I keep going. One, this is my first full-time job post college graduation, so all of my past experience with disclosure has been in an academic or part time job setting. Every time in the past I have been met with understanding and kindness. Two, my PTSD stems from childhood abuse. Two of my major triggers are inconsistency from authority figures and making mistakes. All of my emotions from experiencing those situations with my parents, from very specific memories, can come back full force in these situations. To the point where I can actually hear my mother's voice and the things she said.
Anyway, my boss is very difficult to handle. For one she's extremely controlling and overbearing, something I'm really reactive to because of my own mother. I'm not allowed to do my own math for my experiments. I have to do everything EXACTLY her way. My best example of this is this time where I was labeling tubes in preparation to make solutions. I wrote the labels directly on the tubes ( mind you these are getting thrown away in about two hours) and she forces me to redo it on tape while she watches over my shoulder.
So here I am, the college graduate with a stellar GPA that is being treated like an idiot who can neither write nor do math. This can be such a stressor for me since my mother could never be pleased and would pick and very small things, using them to call me stupid and all sorts of names when really I was doing things just fine.
My boss also frequently goes back on earlier verbal instructions. We talk in her office about a certain set of tasks for the day and then when I point an issue with doing that task today sometime later she will say she never said to do that. Again, yet another reminder of the crap I've been through. Complete denial of how a situation actually happened or what was actually said. When my mom did this all of the time when I was a kid I learned to question whether my own view of reality was completely wrong. I mean your parent is supposed to be right...so if she was right then that meant I was crazy..kid logic.
On top of those specifics, there are just a ton of stressors that are just sending my symptoms over the top. For instance, being around other people constantly, I can't possibly watch them all to know where they are, what they're doing and when to possibly expect when one person might make a loud noise or enter my personal space. Talk about hypervigilance out of control.
This isn't a sitting kind of job, people are constantly coming and going or moving around the lab room.
The company culture is just awful there are a lot of instances where my boss has just been nice to a person's face and then starts saying really nasty things about them when they leave and that's just her. All of the upper level people are like that.
So, needless to say, I'm having a lot of symptom flare ups and a generally heightened anxiety level from my "normal". I didn't even think it was possible to get more anxious than the level I have been existing at for the past year. Tie that in with a resurgence of nightmares, interrupted sleep and insomnia and it takes everything I've got to just get out of bed and go to work. By the time I get home I have nothing left and I just want to eat and try to sleep.
Today, the last day of my fourth week on the job, I had to leave 2 hours into a 9 hour day. I Couldn't fight my flight impulse anymore. Everything in my body was screaming that I had to leave. I was just so overcome with emotion and anxiety, I ended up sobbing in front of one of the permanent employees.
Somehow I gathered myself up enough to tell her that I needed to leave for the day. That's when I surprised myself, I also told her that I was going to give her a written list of necessary accommodations on Tuesday. Necessary as in, if she couldn't cooperate with them then she may as well fire me. With things put that way all of a sudden she was all, "you can go to counseling!". Now I don't know whether or not to trust her. I'm just brutally exhausted both mentally and physically.
I'm seriously considering calling my recruiters and telling them I need a job in a less toxic environment and outright quitting the current job. But the economy is so bad right now and it's making me fearful of doing so. On the other hand this job is taking me on a symptom rollercoaster that I don't really want to continue.
I haven't responded to any medications and not many coping mechanisms I've tried are even remotely effective. The only thing that reliably calms me down is my dog. Last night I was in a full blown panic attack, I couldn't even speak but then my dog laid his body against mine and put his head on my legs. Within ten minutes he had me so calm that I fell fast asleep.
Dogs work wonders with me but I haven't been able to find a place that will train a PTSD service dog for someone who is not a veteran. Anyway, I was flat out told that such a dog would not be allowed in my workplace.
So advice. Suggestions? Has anyone else been through a similar situation? How did you stay or decide to leave?
During the first week I felt the need to disclose my PTSD to my direct supervisor. She kept coming up behind me and would just stand there watching me work. I'd end up noticing her in close proximity and jump or nearly scream so I figured she might as well know not to do that and why.
We had a meeting together at the end of my first week and I explained that I have PTSD and need certain accommodations in order to work successfully. I had a list of about 7 requests but she cut me off after the second, saying we were done. We only got through my request to use a mirror to see behind me and to leave for counseling once a week. In regards to counseling, she shut me down immediately saying it had to be done outside of work hours, even though I was willing to come in early, work late etc to make up for time missed.
After our talk I felt dejected and afraid to pursue the subject further. So I have continued working without accommodations and have slowly felt the anxiety and stressors build to breaking point levels.
I guess it would be helpful to point out two things before I keep going. One, this is my first full-time job post college graduation, so all of my past experience with disclosure has been in an academic or part time job setting. Every time in the past I have been met with understanding and kindness. Two, my PTSD stems from childhood abuse. Two of my major triggers are inconsistency from authority figures and making mistakes. All of my emotions from experiencing those situations with my parents, from very specific memories, can come back full force in these situations. To the point where I can actually hear my mother's voice and the things she said.
Anyway, my boss is very difficult to handle. For one she's extremely controlling and overbearing, something I'm really reactive to because of my own mother. I'm not allowed to do my own math for my experiments. I have to do everything EXACTLY her way. My best example of this is this time where I was labeling tubes in preparation to make solutions. I wrote the labels directly on the tubes ( mind you these are getting thrown away in about two hours) and she forces me to redo it on tape while she watches over my shoulder.
So here I am, the college graduate with a stellar GPA that is being treated like an idiot who can neither write nor do math. This can be such a stressor for me since my mother could never be pleased and would pick and very small things, using them to call me stupid and all sorts of names when really I was doing things just fine.
My boss also frequently goes back on earlier verbal instructions. We talk in her office about a certain set of tasks for the day and then when I point an issue with doing that task today sometime later she will say she never said to do that. Again, yet another reminder of the crap I've been through. Complete denial of how a situation actually happened or what was actually said. When my mom did this all of the time when I was a kid I learned to question whether my own view of reality was completely wrong. I mean your parent is supposed to be right...so if she was right then that meant I was crazy..kid logic.
On top of those specifics, there are just a ton of stressors that are just sending my symptoms over the top. For instance, being around other people constantly, I can't possibly watch them all to know where they are, what they're doing and when to possibly expect when one person might make a loud noise or enter my personal space. Talk about hypervigilance out of control.
This isn't a sitting kind of job, people are constantly coming and going or moving around the lab room.
The company culture is just awful there are a lot of instances where my boss has just been nice to a person's face and then starts saying really nasty things about them when they leave and that's just her. All of the upper level people are like that.
So, needless to say, I'm having a lot of symptom flare ups and a generally heightened anxiety level from my "normal". I didn't even think it was possible to get more anxious than the level I have been existing at for the past year. Tie that in with a resurgence of nightmares, interrupted sleep and insomnia and it takes everything I've got to just get out of bed and go to work. By the time I get home I have nothing left and I just want to eat and try to sleep.
Today, the last day of my fourth week on the job, I had to leave 2 hours into a 9 hour day. I Couldn't fight my flight impulse anymore. Everything in my body was screaming that I had to leave. I was just so overcome with emotion and anxiety, I ended up sobbing in front of one of the permanent employees.
Somehow I gathered myself up enough to tell her that I needed to leave for the day. That's when I surprised myself, I also told her that I was going to give her a written list of necessary accommodations on Tuesday. Necessary as in, if she couldn't cooperate with them then she may as well fire me. With things put that way all of a sudden she was all, "you can go to counseling!". Now I don't know whether or not to trust her. I'm just brutally exhausted both mentally and physically.
I'm seriously considering calling my recruiters and telling them I need a job in a less toxic environment and outright quitting the current job. But the economy is so bad right now and it's making me fearful of doing so. On the other hand this job is taking me on a symptom rollercoaster that I don't really want to continue.
I haven't responded to any medications and not many coping mechanisms I've tried are even remotely effective. The only thing that reliably calms me down is my dog. Last night I was in a full blown panic attack, I couldn't even speak but then my dog laid his body against mine and put his head on my legs. Within ten minutes he had me so calm that I fell fast asleep.
Dogs work wonders with me but I haven't been able to find a place that will train a PTSD service dog for someone who is not a veteran. Anyway, I was flat out told that such a dog would not be allowed in my workplace.
So advice. Suggestions? Has anyone else been through a similar situation? How did you stay or decide to leave?
