Struggling

[shogun]

As suggested I should introduce myself.
I graduated HS at 17 in 2003 and with my fathers signature enlisted in the Marine Corps. I chose Infantry as my MOS. If I was to be a Marine I wanted to sweat and bleed in the uniform.
I did 2 deployments to Iraq from 2004-2006 and volunteered to crossdeck for a 3rd pump before my EAS.
I finished my 4 years as a Corporal (E-4) and moved to Montana to attend Univeristy on the GIBill.
Th transisiton has been a constant struggle.

 

[Need an Oasis]

Hey, welcome. This is a good place. :)

 

[Ned]

The change is hard work for all of us. It's probably the biggest challenge. In your favour, you're young, and Uni isa good idea (did you graduate?).
Anyway, welcome, read up on how it is, you will probably see you're in similar company, and ask away.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Shogun, welcome to the forum. I mentioned you doing an intro otherwise some of the old vets on here might not respond to you. They are suspicious of all new people until they do an intro as we get all types of wankers on here.

Mate, the transition itself can take a couple of years let alone suffering from PTSD on top of it. You also have to take into account military conditioning. You lived and breathed military for four years, with the routine and uniformity, and now your faced with disorganisation, that is why a lot of ex military sometimes transfer to law enforcement or to be paramedics.

As Ned said, you have your age on your side and don't let anyone else tell you different. You have heard the saying 'You can't teach an old dog new tricks', well PTSD is a lot more manageable in young people. Keep up with the therapy and medication until your therapist gives you the OK.

You have a place hear to talk if all else fails mate.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[shogun]

Thanks for the welcome guys. Getting out and leaving the military in the rearview has been one of the hardest parts. My first 6 months was like a long libo. I grew my hair out, Didn't shave, I loved it. Then I started to miss it and really feel the pain. Not being surrounded by others just like me has made me feel more isolated than ever.
Since I've been out I can't count how many times I've wished "I could be back in Iraq where I'm normal"

 

[combatgoldfish]

Thanks for the welcome guys. Getting out and leaving the military in the rearview has been one of the hardest parts. My first 6 months was like a long libo. I grew my hair out, Didn't shave, I loved it. Then I started to miss it and really feel the pain. Not being surrounded by others just like me has made me feel more isolated than ever.
Since I've been out I can't count how many times I've wished "I could be back in Iraq where I'm normal"

I go through the same thing, man.

 

[tho9900]

shogun... when I got out they had a 10 day course on being a civvie, mandatory for all of us separating... no kidding.. taught us to write resumes... walked us through situations we would encounter on the street and in the workplace and man even that didn't prepare me... it's hard bro... ya you have age on your side as said... just remember a lot of these people don't have an ounce of discipline in them... well not for the team, usually just for themselves and their benefit...

You have skills they can only dream about.. being able to look ahead and foresee multiple conclusions to an action in motion and plan for each if them.... you are a leader... they will resent that fact, especially the ones older than you... oh man the little tiff's I got myself out of...guess the best advice I can give there is maybe wonder out loud "what if we did X" one of the slobs will take it and run with it and call it his own... swallow the pride and just be glad a good job was done, one day you will be their boss trust me ;) ...

It took me abt 5 to 7 yrs to successfully transfer... each day was a little easier tho just so you know... and ya it has been.. "counting on fingers" dang 18 yrs since I served, there are still moments some days where I am dumfounded at the idiots...

For the PTSD we are all in the same boat just on different seats and levels... I have learned a lot here, had a lot of headaches trying to convince myself someone here was right even though I knew they were right in my heart... stick with the doc and the meds... it takes a man to say "hey I need help with this", not the other way around, stuffing it down is part of what got us here...

BTW: Devil Doc, 84 to 94... tours with 22nd MAU And 26th MEU different engagements.. a lotta Marines, medics, Corpsmen etc here... you have us, and all the other people here... there's no boundaries here.. we all live in the same state and city... it's called PTSD

 

[IraqVet86]

I've wished "I could be back in Iraq where I'm normal"[/quote]

Every day.

 

[G Stuart]

Welcome,
Sometimes I wish I was back there. Sometimes, I think i should have died there. I owe it to some friends to keep moving forward and try to feel normal!

 

[shogun]

Welcome,
Sometimes I wish I was back there. Sometimes, I think i should have died there. I owe it to some friends to keep moving forward and try to feel normal!

This. Better men than I. I can only imagine what some of these guys might have achieved had they made it out, I feel a duty to be the best possible for them. Sometimes its a heavy pack.

 

[nomedic1]

We are here to help you carry it shogun

 

[shogun]

So I feel like I should add to this.
After getting out I drove from across the country to MT and started classes at the U 2 weeks later. I honestly had a great 1st semester going until mid november when I got the first phone call that one of my boots had killed himself after comming home from deployment. Instantly that "libo" feeling was gone. Before the only PTSD I had was the occasional nightmare and what I considered "normal" habits like sitting with a view of entrances and exits to a restaurant, standard hypervigilance. After that. Wow I felt the loss. I realized I was away from my security and alone and I lost it. The depression started to kick in and I went on a downward spiral. I started pushing away any good friends I had made, drinking heavily, missing class, stopped working out, and ruined my grades.
Over break I took a roadtrip to Colorado to see some old friends from pre military times. Did me real good. When I got back to Montana I went to the vet center to start therapy and started going to the VA to start working out meds.

Second semester was tough. I was on the rollercoaster of meds and I failed all my classes.

Over summer I began working out again and stopped taking the meds I didn't like. I started smoking pot. I loved how relaxed I felt. I was just fed up with the rollercoaster and wanted something consistent and dependable.

I wound up not going back to school. I took two years off school to work, get in state residency and focus on myself. I did a lot of stuff in those two years. I partied a lot. I got my residency. I was a janitor a bouncer a private security consultant, worked at the airport Hertz car rental. Traveled all over the Pacific NW. When I went back to school I was going to be ready.

For the past year I'm back in school, back in sessions at the vet center,and finally on a regimen of meds that is supportive rather than overpowering. Sure I still have my rough days. But I'm getting better at damage control and bouncing back after them.

Thanks again to all who contribute so much to this Forum. It was a Dark Day that I found it, I'm glad I did.